In This Economy? » Shithead Trading Cards

Shithead trading card #15: Travis L. Wright

drocolate — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 02:47:21 +0000

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Today’s shithead may be the most amazing shithead of all time. Seriously. I can hardly contain myself.

Travis L. Wright AKA King Candwich

Ok, I’ll admit it. I’m fully stealing this one from Stephen Colbert. He got to this story first but it was just too good to NOT report here at ITE?. And since more people are currently watching Daniel Tosh than Mr. Colbert (which is really shocking to me), I assume a lot of you haven’t heard about this at all… which is a crime because it’s soooo amazing.

So what is it then? What did Mr. Wright do to earn shithead status?

Well, let’s just start at the beginning.

A brief history of sandwiches (Yes, sandwiches)…

No one knows for sure when the first ever sandwich was crafted but there is evidence of sandwich(ish) meals being crafted all the way back to ancient times. In the 18th century the aptly titled John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, became the lunch standard’s namesake after he consistently demanded “meat tucked between two pieces of bread” from his servants. From there the name caught on and eventually made it’s way to America in the early 20th century. Since then the Americans have taken the art of sandwich construction to a new level, using unparalleled levels of creativity to build bigger and better sandwiches.

In recent decades however, the craft of sandwich making has hit a bit of a creative rut, with newly created sandwiches focusing more on flash as opposed to overall deliciousness (I’m looking at you, KFC Double Down).

This rut is exactly where Travis L. Wright enters our story.

Travis L. Wright…

Mr. Wright is a Utah-based money manager that was recently accused by the SEC of taking $145 million of his investors money and lying about where that money had been invested. Mr. Wright claimed the money was in real estate, and promised returns of up to 24%. The SEC instead claims that the money was used to back something called the Candwich.

Yes, the Candwich.

That is exactly what it sounds like. It is a sandwich. In a can. A Candwich.

So just to reiterate, this dude took $145 million of investors money and (allegedly) funneled it into a sandwich in a fucking can. Now you may be asking why would anyone EVER want to invest in something as completely inept as a sandwich in a can but just look at the flavors!

PBJ STRAWBERRY! YUM!
PBJ GRAPE! GRAPEY!
BBQ CHICKEN! Oh my God I think I’m gonna puke…

And in addition to those flavors there were also lofty goals of shoving a pepperoni pizza pocket and french toast into a can. HUH?!?! Wow.

But the brilliance of the Candwich does not end there. Oh no, my friends, there is more.

Look closer…

If you look at this image of the three candwich cans and focus on the left corner of the two PBJ cans you’ll see a yellow circle.

Let me blow it up for you:

Yeah. That’s really pixelated. In case you can’t make it out, it says “Candy Surprise Inside.”

Whoa.

What the hell kind of candy surprise can be in my BBQ chicken Candwich? Is it a wrapped Andes mint to help me un-barf-ify my breath after eating a BBQ chicken Candwich? Is it a single loose Werther’s Original? Is it a stick of Juicy Fruit gum? Is it something IN the sandwich itself? Like a chocolatey center?

“Mommy, what’s this brown goo in the middle of my canned BBQ chicken sandwich?”

“Oh honey, that’s just your candy surprise!”

*BARF TOWN*

So to sum up…

The Candwich is an abomination. There is no other way to say it. And the fact that Travis L. Wright felt that it was such a strong investment that he needed to STEAL money to support it makes him an idiot worthy of several shithead trading cards.

Now it should be noted that Mr. Wright also invested some of the misappropriated money into a company that sold watches over the Internet (sketchy but not nearly as bad as fucking french toast in a can) and a company that prints greeting card sentiments on rose petals (yeah, that’s really stupid but still not Candwich stupid).

But in the end I’m sure his heart was only really in the Candwich. I assume Travis L. Wright is simply a man hell bent on breaking our country out of the current sandwich rut. I’m sure he’s a pioneer for sandwich innovation that would stop at nothing to push the boundaries of traditional sandwiching. He’s basically, like, the Bill Gates of sandwiches.

Or… he’s just a total fucking idiot.

Yeah, it’s probably the latter.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go puke up the rest of my non-Candwich dinner. BBQ chicken in a can! C’MON!

Oh, and just for the record, I couldn’t find any photos of Mr. Wright on the Interwebs so I made my own. He does not actually have a giant Candwich can for a head.

Ok, that’s it.

Get your Travis L. Wright shithead trading card now!

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Shithead trading card #14: Sue Lowden

drocolate — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:23:02 +0000

This one has it all — money, politics, gambling, stupid people and poorly distributed corporate bonuses. So strap in and get ready to meet…

Sue Lowden AKA Sue Lowdown

Sue Lowden is a businesswoman. She is all about conducting business the right way, no matter what. In fact, she’s so passionate about her business knowledge and morals that she is currently running for the United States Senate in the state of Nevada based on the campaign slogan, “fighting for your job is my job.”

She sounds pretty awesome, right?

Well she’s not. She sucks.

Let me explain why.

Last year was a crap year for pretty much everyone in America and Mrs. Lowden’s business, the Pioneer Hotel & Gambling Hall, was no exception. Over the course of the year the company had to cut its workforce by 25% (106 total jobs) and shut down the company match on the remaining employees’ 401k plans. The latter change was going to save the company around $67,000 a year, which is a sizable savings.

Unfortunately…

…Mrs. Lowden’s husband somehow managed to collect a bonus in 2009 of $200,000. This bonus increased his and and his wife’s combined salary total to almost a million bucks.

Yikes.

So let’s do some math here.

106 employees times an average of (and I’m making this up) $35,000 a year is about $3.7 million. Add to that another $67,000 from the murdered 401k match program and we’re talking about a total cost savings of roughly $3.8 million for the Pioneer Hotel & Gambling Hall. Then subtract $200,000 from that and multiply it by a couple of douchebags (that’s the Lowdens, just in case this is getting confusing… math is tough), then divide the whole thing by a really, really fucking stupid political move and you’ve got the end result of OH MY GOD SUE LOWDOWN IS A SHITHEAD!

Her company is reverse Robin Hooding people. They’re stealing from the poor to give to the rich. $200,000 is, using the savings figures provided by the company, enough money to keep the existing employees’ 401k match program going for almost 3 full years. Or maybe instead of that they could have taken the $200k and used it to save a few of those 106 tossed jobs.

And the thing that I love the most…

…is that at the same time Sue Lowden is overseeing these irresponsible business moves she is also trying to run for the United States Senate in Nevada on a ticket of business expertise and job creation. As I said above her slogan is “fighting for your job is my job.”

I think that slogan may need to be edited to read “fighting for your job is my job, unless my husband needs his bonus.”

Now, before you all completely write this woman off, I should say that she did not actually receive a bonus last year. In fact, she hasn’t received any sort of pay increase since 1996. So she’s not all bad, right?

WRONG.

In my opinion that really makes the whole thing worse. It means she realized in advance just how bad it would look for her to collect a bonus in 2009, but did nothing to prevent her husband from getting his. It’s not like he’s some wild card CMO that you can’t openly bring up the topic of “slashing bonuses for your own political gains” with. He’s your fucking husband. Sack up and mention it to him.

And that whole mess is, in my opinion, what takes her from just being an idiot to being a crook.

And an idiot.

An idiot crook.

Yeah. I’m done.

Get your Sue Lowden shithead trading card now!

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Shithead trading card #13: Pankaj Joshi

drocolate — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 16:19:56 +0000

I’m back! And this one is a real piece of work.

Pankaj Joshi AKA Bitcheroo

It has been a long time since I’ve felt the need to brand someone a shithead, but when you hear about what Mr. Joshi did I think you’ll agree that he is well worth the dubious distinction.

It all started back on May 29…

…at the Lucky Food Store in Grand Prairie, Texas. A man by the name of Willis Willis (AMAZING name) came in and purchased some lottery tickets. A couple days later he returned to cash in the tickets and Mr. Joshi happened to be the clerk on duty at the time. Pankaj scanned the tickets and saw that one of them was worth one million dollars.

From here he began his descent down the slippery slope of shithead-itude. This was the moment when Pankaj Joshi disappeared and Bitcheroo took over.

Here’s what he did (in list form for easier digestion):

He scanned Mr. Willis’ ticket.
Saw that it was worth a cool milly.
Quietly freaked out inside his own head. A million dollars is a lot of money and working at this Lucky Food Store blows. I mean what kind of food store only sells four things. Well, five things if you count all these lottery tickets.

Regained his composure and told Mr. Willis that the ticket he just scanned was indeed a winner — but only a $2 winner.
Paid Mr. Willis all two dollars of his winnings and completed a masterful switcheroo. It was like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy swaps the statue with the bag of sand (only there was no awesome giant boulder).

Signed off on the million dollar ticket himself and obtained the money.
Fled to Nepal.

Yeah. That’s right. This little shit stole a million dollar lottery ticket and then fled all the way to effing Nepal in an attempt to not get caught. Unfortunately for him, Willis Willis (Can I add one more on there and make it Willis Willis Willis? Please?) wasn’t going to just take the whole thing lying down.

Willis W. Willis Willis fights back.

Willis Willis doesn't take any shit

Shortly after the initial switcheroo took place a sign went up in the window of the Lucky milk/bread/beer/soda/lottery ticket store proclaiming that a Texas Lotto million dollar winner had purchased a ticket there. This, plus Mr. Joshi’s sudden desire to not live in America anymore, started to raise some serious suspicions from both Mr. Willis and various state authorities. It wasn’t long before the real story started to present itself.

Check out a poorly captured example of the real story presenting itself here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AeYS7somh8

Fast forward to present day and the walls are really starting to close in on Bitcheroo. Earlier this week Willis W. Willis Willis Willis got around $395,000 of the original stolen million back thanks to a ruling in his favor in a Texas state district court. $365,000 of it was from bank accounts Mr. Joshi had opened and $30,000 of it came from people in the Dallas area that Pankaj had given money to before he left.

Quick sidenote: How much would that suck? This dude you know gives you $10,000 and says it’s a gift. Then a few months later the government comes around and says that the money is stolen (or as the kids call it: “hot”) and you have to return it. It’s really just another reason why this Pankaj Joshi guy is a total shithead.

As for the other 600+ thousand of Mr. Willis’ money? Well right now it’s being tracked down in Nepal. From there it may take months or even years to make its way back into Mr. Willis’ wallet… but I really don’t think he minds.

So, in the end, this shithead story ends happily. Eventually Bitcheroo will be tracked down and probably imprisoned and Willis W. Whatchutalkinbout Willis will get most of his money back.

The only other bizarre thing about the story is that the Texas Lottery commission still refuses to acknowledge that Willis Willis was the actual winner, even after the ruling earlier this week. They’re still standing behind Pankaj Joshi. So basically, at this point the Texas Lotto Commission are acting like a bunch of shitheads…

But that’s a story for another time.

Oh, and I have to apologize for the horrible picture of Pankaj you see up there. I had to take a screen grab of his wanted poster because I couldn’t find anything better on the Internets. If any of you guys come across a better picture of Bitcheroo, please send it my way.

Get your Pankaj Joshi shithead trading card now!

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Shithead Roundup #4: Bernie Madoff

drocolate — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 21:42:51 +0000

In the past nine(ish) months I’ve written 12 Shithead Trading Cards. And while they have ranged in shitheadishness from people who stole thousands to people who stole billions, they have all been vile.

It’s been fun. And cathartic.

So now, over the course of the next few weeks months, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.

LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!

Shithead #4: Bernie Madoff AKA King Shithead

-Originally published on 3/2/09-

2009 was a rough year for Bernie Madoff. Wah Wah.

First he got caught for Ponzi’ing. We went over that. Ad nauseum.

Then he went to prison for Ponzi’ing. We also went over that.

And now he’s dying very rapidly inside.

We reported a few months ago on a prison fight shoving match that Bern Dog got into over the stock market. And that was only one example of how prison life has taken its toll on this old bastard. On Christmas eve he was hospitalized for supposedly falling out his bed and injuring his face. According to sources there was “a lot of facial bleeding”. Yikes. I imagine this bed accident was similar to a battered wife “falling down the stairs” but that’s just me speculating.

And yes, in my speculation, I am saying that Madoff is someone’s wife. Or to use prison speak: someone’s bitch. And in the prison family system, when your wife (bitch) won’t do what you ask, you have to make your wife’s (bitch’s) face bleed.

Or at least that’s what I’ve heard. And seen on Oz.

King Shithead has also been in and out of the prison hospital with other ailments like dizziness and hypertension. I don’t want to seem grim but this dude isn’t going to last much longer inside. Maybe he can get a cell with the incredible shrinking man (that’s my completely insensitive nickname for R. Allen Stanford) and they can swap stories about scamming people as their health worsens by the day. That’d be kind of sweet.

Seriously though… why haven’t those two been put in the same room for some sort of interview or documentary or cage match. I need to look into this.

I'm assuming he's on top and his cellmate Frank is on bottom...

Moving on with other Madoff activity since his shithead enshrinement: The majority of his property has been sold at various auctions, and a lot of the money raised has then been passed on to his victims. Unfortunately Madoff didn’t have $50 billion in homes and jewlery so Kevin Bacon and all the others will never get the majority of their money back. That really is the problem with made up money… it’s very hard to recoup.

But it’s not all bad for Bernard. A story in the Wall Street Journal from early December chronicled his prison life and mentioned that he has a young cellmate named Frank who beats his face to a bloody pulp when Bernie doesn’t do what a good bitch should treats him with respect. In fact, the article talks about how Bernie is surprisingly revered inside. He’s viewed as a master thief. Like the dudes in the Ocean’s 11 movies… only not quite as cool. He also has access to chess AND checkers so things aren’t totally hopeless.

Bernie even gets to do something inside that he definitely wasn’t doing when he was free — work. All of the inmates are given a variety of jobs at the facility he is housed in (the Butner Federal Correctional Complex) and they are paid for the work they do. Their wages range from $.12 to $1.15 an hour depending on the job.

Yeah, that’s right. Bernie Madoff, a dude who was once filthy rich off of the stolen wealth of others, now has a job that pays him about fifty cents (I’m guessing) an hour.

How fucking poetic is that?

It really makes Kevin Bacon and I smile.

I truly hope Bernie makes the most of the (probably very little) time he has left. And I also hope that him and Allen Stanford hook up and plan a prison break… because that would be the saddest/most amazing thing of all time.

HOW HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE!? SERIOUSLY?!

Ok, that’s it.

–

Next time on Shithead Roundup, I’ll be tackling multiple shitheads at the same time. Uh huh. That’s right.

STAY TUNED!!

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Shithead Roundup #3: John Thain

drocolate — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:03:49 +0000

It’s been fun. And cathartic.

So now, over the course of the next few weeks, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.

LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!

Shithead #3: John Thain AKA Toilet Bug

-Originally published on 2/25/09-

John Thain separated himself from the rest of the douchebag CEO elite earlier this year by doing two things:

Making the call to merge his company, Merrill Lynch, with Bank of America.
Spending $1.22 million to decorate his Merrill Lynch office.

The office thing was viewed as a bonehead play from the start and it only got worse when the details were revealed. Seeing that someone who is heading a financial company is squandering millions on things like a $35,000 toilet and a (GASP!) $1,400 trash can just doesn’t look good.

On the other hand, the Bank of America thing was viewed, at first, to be a brilliant business move. Mr. Thain managed to fold his company into BoA instead of simply collapsing like so many other firms were at the time. The only problem was that Toilet Bug screwed up the whole seemingly good arrangement by doing things like handing out $4 billion in bonus money, conveniently handing out said money right before Merrill Lynch’s horrid sales numbers came out, and running his mouth like a varsity D-bag in the news every other day.

In the end Bank of America told him to pack up his shit and he resigned.

From there things got quite a bit worse for Bank of America. Ken Lewis, the Bank of America CEO, became a constant target for everyone from the media to political committees looking for bankers to sacrifice. and while Lewis was not totally innocent he was also having to answer for a lot of the shit Thain had left behind… and that’s not cool.

And the worst part is that while all of this was happening Johnny Thain was probably off somewhere skiing or yachting or something.

Unsurprisingly, after a year of being beat down, Ken Lewis announced he was going to be leaving BoA at the end of the year.

A few months after that John Thain conveniently resurfaced. He did a number of interviews with financial news sources and talked about how he was ready to get back out there and get a new job.

But what company would want him? Who would want a guy with a reputation as a greedy snake who would rather cut and run than stay and answer for his mistakes? What company would actually be interested in a dude like that?

Well, if you believe the experts, Bank of America.

That’s right! In yet another sign that our financial institutions learned nothing from the apocalyptic events of this year, John Thain is one of the final contenders for the soon-to-be-vacant Bank of America top job.

So just remember folks, if you want a job at a new company all you have to do is follow the Thain method. It’s easy!

STEP ONE: Target a company you like and merge with them.

STEP TWO: Start dicking it up and get asked to leave.

STEP THREE: Watch the company you left from a distance and be very quiet.

STEP FOUR: Swoop in as soon as an opening is available and somehow become CEO…

Yeah, I don’t get it. This dude hasn’t changed at all yet somehow he’s going to come out of all of this on top. I can’t wait to see what kind of toilet he has in his office at BoA. Maybe it’ll have diamonds in it. I would LOVE to take a shit on some diamonds.

Yeah. John Thain sucks. The end.

–

Next time on a very special Shithead Roundup: Bernie Madoff!!!

STAY TUNED!!

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Shithead Roundup #2: Nadya Suleman

drocolate — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:53:00 +0000

In the past nine months I’ve written 12 Shithead Trading Cards. And while they have ranged in shitheadishness from people who stole thousands to people who stole billions, they have all been vile.

It’s been fun. And cathartic.

So now, over the course of the next few weeks, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.

LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!

Shithead #2: Nadya Suleman AKA Octo-Disaster

-Originally published on 2/23/09-

Before I started to write this post I looked back at some of the old posts I have written about Octo-mom (HERE, HERE and HERE) and I felt like maybe I had been a bit harsh.

But then I saw this quote she gave to the New York Times Magazine last week in regards to why she had the now-infamous six pack of embryos implanted all at once:

“You don’t understand, if you have these frozen embryos that are there, and they were writing you letters saying, We are charging you this much, and it’s going up and up and up every month that they are stored — you can either use them or destroy them. You’re like, O.K., I have six already. What’s another? And maybe it won’t even work. So, I just decided to take the chance because I didn’t want to destroy the embryos. That was the main focus — not like: ‘Oh, gosh! I really want eight!’ People were thinking, ‘Oh, she wanted so, so many.’ No!”

I think my harshness was justified.

So let me get this straight. She had them all implanted because 1.) she didn’t want to see the embryos get destroyed (admirable… I guess) and 2.) the cryogenic facility where she had them stored was raising their rates?

Wow.

Yeah, that second thing is completely insane. The price of storing your frozen pre-baby is DEFINITELY going to be less than the price of having an actual kid. Oh, and she had eight so I guess that threw off her whole economic theory.

The point is that this woman hasn’t changed at all in the 8ish months since I last wrote about her. She’s still a reality TV hound who can’t seem to deliver an intelligent soundbite to save her life.

Oh, and speaking of reality TV, that’s where Ms. Suleman has been the busiest.

Back in August, Fox (who else?) aired a two-hour Octo-mom-athon called Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. It was highlighted by more awesome soundbites from Suleman (my favorite being when she said this about fellow octo-matriarch Kate Gosselin: “Honestly, I’m not as attention seeking, probably never, it’s just my opinion, but some people are desperate for attention.”), her two-year old calling her a bitch and none of her fourteen kids wanting to wish her a happy Mother’s Day.

So basically it was totally and completely miserable. A train wreck.

But she wasn’t done yet.

In late October a story broke about a new reality show being shopped around where Octo-disaster dates the newly single Jon Gosselin. I’m not sure if anything ever came of this (hopefully it was total bullshit) but the idea that Ms. Suleman would date the ex-husband of the woman that is, according to her, some kind of attention-seeking media whore, on a reality TV show is amazing. The hypocrisy is staggering and completely predictable at the same time.

And this brings us back to the present day and that excellent little soundbite above.

That quote comes from a new documentary film being made by a British crew called OctoMom: Me & My Fourteen Kids. It actually premiered in the UK last week and will thankfully be hitting our shores sometime in the near future. YAY!

So, unlike R. Allen Stanford, who has changed considerably in the time since he was Shitheadified, Ms. Suleman hasn’t changed a wink. She’s still a vacuous, attention-seeking media whore. Oh wait, did I just describe Kate Gosselin? I’m confused.

Whatever. I’m done.

–

Next time on Shithead Roundup: John Thain!!!

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Shithead Roundup #1: R. Allen Stanford

drocolate — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:22:09 +0000

In the past nine months I’ve written 12 Shithead Trading Cards. And while they have ranged in shitheadishness from people who stole thousands to people who stole billions, they have all been vile.

It’s been fun. And cathartic.

So now, over the course of the next few weeks, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.

LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!

Shithead #1: R. Allen Stanford AKA Sir Asshole

-Originally published on 2/20/09-

Well, the big news is that SIR Asshole is no longer a Sir. He had been knighted in Antigua many years ago but in light of his recent issues with the law, his knighthood has been stripped. I guess his revised nickname will simply be “Asshole”. Yeah, that fits.

Way back in February, Mr. Stanford was accused of $7 billion in fraud. He was overshadowed at the time by Bernie Madoff (roundup coming soon) but no matter how you look at it, $7 billion is a shitload of money.

In the months that followed he was seen crying on TV, not paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes and most recently — spitting blood into a water cup during a court appearance (gross). He’s also been losing weight at a rapid rate due to what his lawyers are calling “some sort of sickness”. While I think the dude is scum, I don’t want him dying. He needs to spend 2 or 3 or 50 years in prison first.

And speaking of being in prison, he’s been involved in a couple of fights since he went in. One of these fights even led to a hospital visit due to a consussion. I wonder if this has anything to do with the blood cup sptting episode? Hmmmm…

Check out what the dude is looking like these days:

Wow. Rough. It’s actually good that he lost his knighthood because knights just don’t look right in orange.

The financial fallout from his scheming has been enormous. His associates have been dropping like flies in the wake of the fraud charges. Most recently, two former employees of Stanford’s capital management firm got slapped with an $11 million dollar lawsuit from the receiver in charge of retrieving all the lost money.

And that brings me to the saddest part of the Stanford update — the receiver. While I’m sure Ralph Janvey (that’s the receiver) is a nice guy, the news he brought recently was not. The amount of money he is hoping to recoup is only $1.5 billion. In all truth, that’s quite a lot, especially when you consider that Stanford was operating a Ponzi scheme (and those operate on the basis of imaginary money), but $1.5 billion is still waaaaaay less than $7 billion.

$5.5 billion have just disappeared. Up Sir Asshole’s ass.

Bleh. Makes me want to spit up some blood.

–

Next time on Shithead Roundup: Nadya Suleman!!!

STAY TUNED!!

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Shithead trading card #12: Keith Bardwell

drocolate — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:03:30 +0000

I’m back! Today’s shithead isn’t all that economy-focused, but he’s so shitty that he needed a writeup regardless.

Keith Bardwell AKA Piledriver

Keith Bardwell is a justice of the peace in Louisiana who refuses to grant interracial couples a marriage license. He is also a racist fossil.

Yeah, that’s about right.

It all started back on October 6th…

…when Beth Humphrey called JOP Bardwell to ask about getting married to her boyfriend, Terence McKay. Bardwell’s wife answered and, after finding out that they were an interracial couple (Ms. Humphrey is white and Mr. McKay is black), politely informed them that the JOP does not sign off on interracial marriages, and that they should visit a different justice if they want to get married.

Of course, Ms. Humphrey was shocked. But it only got worse from there.

When further clarification was requested from JOP Bardwell about his position on interracial marriages he said this:

“There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage… I think those children suffer and I won’t help put them through it.”

Ohhhhh, so he’s doing it for the kids! What a saint!

He really does have a point though. Children from interracial marriages typically don’t go on to do anything with their lives.

Just look at that Barack Obama guy. What has he ever done?

But he’s not a racist.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjuZODZE8R4

Nope! Mr. Bardwell is definitely not a racist. If anything he’s a helpful citizen who just happens to believe that black and white couples shouldn’t have the same simple rights as other couples. When asked about being racist, he said this:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way… I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Piles and piles? Yeah, that’s a really weird way to put it. And I love how he calls out the fact that he lets them use his bathroom. As if the ultimate test of racism is whether or not you’ll let a person of the opposite color use your porcelain throne.

I also like how the wording of that whole quote makes it sound like a couple (be them white or black… BUT NOT interracial) comes to his house, gets married and then goes off for their customary newlywed deuce.

Yeah, this guy really sucks.

And he just keeps on sucking.

This story hit late last week but is only now achieving full hurricane-force shitstorm conditions. Mr. Bardwell has said that he refuses to apologize or resign, despite countless calls for him to do both. He continues to claim that he truly does not see what he has done wrong.

And that is the biggest problem with the whole thing.

If he legitimately can’t see what is wrong with this, then he is a racist. Case closed.

If you refuse to grant a certain group of people the same rights you would grant everyone else, and your only reasoning for doing so is some delusional conclusion you’ve come to after observing an interracial couple here or a half black, half white child there, well then you are a racist. It does not matter how many African Americans use your bathroom. Or how many “piles” of them you have.

In conclusion…

…I hope JOP Bardwell steps down soon and opens up his own janitorial business. That way he can clean bathrooms all day and then proudly watch as both black people and white people use them. He can keep statistics of how many piles of black people use his bathrooms and display them with pride to anyone who calls him a racist.

Plus, he’ll be working right alongside what he knows — shit.

Get your Keith Bardwell shithead trading card now!

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Shithead trading card #11: Carolyn Towns

drocolate — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 22:44:21 +0000

Alright, let’s get right into it. Today’s shithead is taking the art of being a shithead to an entirely new level of shitheadness.

Carolyn Towns AKA Scum of the Earth

This one is bad. Real bad.

Former cemetery manager Carolyn Towns is accused of masterminding a scheme to resell burial plots inside the Burr Oak cemetery where she once worked.

The scheme went something like this:

1. Take coffins and bodies out of existing graves.

2. Dispose of said coffins and bodies in an adjacent field that had chest high grass to cover them up, or simply double-stack them on top of other bodies in preexisting graves. Yikes.

3. Resell newly vacant plots.

4. Make money.

Like I said, this woman is REAL bad.

A little history about Burr Oak Cemetery…

The Burr Oak cemetery is a famous cemetery in black history. It houses several civil rights figures including Emmett Till, a 14-year old black man who was killed for whistling at a white woman in 1955. His death is looked at as one of the galvanizing forces behind the civil rights movement in the region. His grave appears to have been left alone, but the same can’t be said for the graves of hundreds of others.

Yeah you read that right: hundreds.

Grave robbing isn’t the only reason why Carolyn Towns is a shithead…

And while I’m writing about Mr. Till, it turns out this isn’t Carolyn Towns’ first run-in with taking a shit all over his legacy.

In the beginning of ’09, Mrs. Towns had been soliciting and accepting donations for an Emmett Till memorial museum. Unfortunately, because Mrs. Towns is the scum of the Earth, she allegedly pocketed all of those donations. It was actually this dubious donation debacle that led to the discovery of the grave recycling plot.

She had help…

Mrs. Towns did not act alone in this thing and her helpers deserve to be mentioned in this article. She had three gravediggers doing the actual desecration work for her. Their names were Keith Nicks, Terrence Nicks and Maurice Dailey. Click on their names to see some awesome pictures of them. Oh and I’m not sure if the two Nicks’ are of any relation to Stevie.

All in all, the four of them made roughly $300,000 through the scheme, which had probably been going on for at least four years. Eek. Bleh. Fuck.

“a special place in hell”

The whole things just makes me feel icky. And sad for humanity. And angry. And disturbed. And sad for humanity again.

Now all of the people who had loved ones buried in Burr Oak are descending upon the cemetery to find out if their loved ones are still in place. Jesse Jackson showed up to give a statement. Law enforcement and media are crawling the entire cemetery trying to find an angle. It’s an unbelievable cluster-fuck, and it’s all thanks to Carolyn “Scum of the Earth” Towns and her despicable money-making idea.

Yikes.

I think Jesse Jackson said it best:

“In my judgment, there should be no bail for them, there should be really a special place in hell for these graveyard thieves who have done so much, hurt these families.”

Agreed, Jesse. Agreed.

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Shithead trading card #10: Angelo Mozilo

drocolate — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:41:56 +0000

Alright, let’s get right into it. Today’s shithead has had a target on his back for a while now.

Angelo Mozilo AKA The Snake

Angelo Mozilo is kind of Like Tony Montana.

Yeah, THAT Tony Montana

The dude from Scarface.

They both had a humble beginning, became very powerful, and then shat it all away (allegedly) doing illegal stuff.

Really the only difference is that Tony Montana rose to power using drugs and Angelo Mozilo used fraud. Well, and Angelo never killed anyone (that I know of) and Tony killed a lot of people. And Angelo grew up in the Bronx and Tony grew up in Cuba. And Mr. Mozilo has a college education and Tony Montana definitely does not. And Tony Montana had to watch that one dude get all cut up with that saw and, well, ok, maybe it’s not the best analogy.

My point is that Angelo Mozilo was sitting pretty on top of the world and now, due to some fraud charges and a general bad vibe, he’s become the last kid picked in kickball.

And on top of that he’s becoming a half man/half snake hybrid creature. More on this later.

Humble Beginnings (egg)

Mr. Mozilo was born in 1938 in New York City. He was the son of a butcher in the Bronx. He went to Fordham University and graduated in 1960 with a Bachelor of Science degree. From there he set his sights on making money in the money industry. However, because his degree was from Fordham and not an Ivy League school he had to work twice as hard to get his foot in the door of the right places — but once he was in, he was there to stay.

In 1978 he founded Countrywide Credit Industries in New York. This would be the tiny snowball that would eventually roll down the hill to become the snow boulder that is the Countrywide Financial we see today.

The shit really got real in 1984 when Countrywide hit the NYSE. From there Mr. Mozilo officially became a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy it was money and instead of a kid it was a weird little Italian man that was slowly turning into a serpent. More on this later.

Success is Awesome (baby snake)

Countrywide exploded with growth over the next couple of decades. And with that growth came more opportunities for Angelo and other members of the Countrywide elite to fill their pockets.

From 2001-2006, a period of time that saw unreal growth for Countrywide (due in large part to their major role in the now dubious subprime mortgage craze), Mr. Mozilo pocketed $470 million in compensation.

But that’s not all.

In addition to the $470 mil, Countrywide also payed his annual country club dues at Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, CA, The Quarry at La Quinta golf club in La Quinta, CA and Robert Trent Jones Golf Club in Gainesville, VA.

I can understand this however. I mean, what good is having $470 million if you don’t belong to any snooty country clubs? Who will see you drive up in a different car each week? Who will be there to laugh at your jokes about minorities and democrats? Who will disingenuously thank you when you pick up the tab for yet another round of mint juleps in the smoking room?

Random sidenote: I get a vibe like Angelo is the kind of rich asshole who leaves a $1 tip on a $100 tab. Not sure why. Just a vibe i get.

Moving on.

Shit Hits Fan (full grown half man/half snake hybrid)

So last week the SEC finally charged Mr. Mozilo (who I will from now on be referring to as MOZILO!) with fraud. The entire thing wasn’t really a surprise to anyone except maybe MOZILO! himself.

The SEC alleges that he purposefully misled investors on the direction and practices of the company. Oh, and they’re also accusing him of $120 million in insider trading. The two charges go hand in hand.

So, this dude who was pulling down an average of $80-$90 million a year in compensation (plus those golf memberships!) wasn’t satisfied? Everyone has always assumed he was dirty (kind of like how everyone just assumes Sammy Sosa did steroids) but his grossness hasn’t had a real face until now.

And speaking of his face…

Enter The Snake (FULL BLOWN DEATH SNAKE)

Has anyone else noticed that MOZILO! is starting to look a lot like a gross serpent creature. I have a feeling that if this transformation continues we may have a serious problem.

Check it out below:

Here is a picture of Mozilo in March of 2008:

Now here is an expert’s representation of what Mozilo will look like in 2011:

OMG! LOOK AT THAT THING! AHHHHHH!

This shit is serious. If we’re not careful he might get pissed and start destroying our cities. You’ll hear people screaming “MOZILO!” and you’ll know his wrath. If he keeps transforming he may become a real force of evil!

But until then, he’s just another shithead.

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Shithead trading card #9: Teresa Tambunting

drocolate — Tue, 05 May 2009 20:23:26 +0000

Alright, let’s get right into it. It’s been too long.

Teresa Tambunting AKA Queen Midas

During the past few weeks I’ve been mired in a bit of a shithead drought. I’ve started writing pieces on everyone from Roddy Blago to that woman who said she “couldn’t live” on the $63 million she got from her husband in a divorce, but none of them have felt right. I’ve been adrift.

That was, until today.

Today I was introduced to Teresa Tambunting and the shithead fog was immediately lifted. The shithead trees are once again yielding shithead crops! The drought is over! This is a weird analogy!

Let’s move on.

Teresa Tambunting worked for Jacmel Jewelry in Queens, New York. She worked there for 27 years, and for the last six of those she was stealing gold from the store by sneaking it out in the lining of her purse. Day by day, little by little, she stole small pieces of gold until she had amassed a stockpile at her home that weighed around 500 pounds and was worth several million dollars.

So why is she a shithead? That whole thing actually sounds kind of awesome. It’s like The Shawshank Redemption, only set in a jewelry store and without Morgan Freeman.

So why?

Let me break it down into a few reasons:

1. She was making six figures at the time of her arrest.

Queen Midas worked at Jacmel (which is a higher end jewelry store “popularly priced jewelry manufacturer”, we’re (still) not talking about fucking Jared here) as a vault manager since 1991. This position paid her $165,000 a year. Yet, somehow, that wasn’t enough.

She started swiping gold six years ago and kept doing it until finally turning herself in last week after an audit of the vault she was supposed to be managing showed 850 pounds of gold missing. Yeah, that’s $12 million in gold that just vanished. Yikes.

So far investigators have only recovered a little more than half of that from Mrs. Tambunting’s home. Where the rest is remains to be seen.

2. She was disorganized and lame.

When I first heard about this woman and the crazy caper she pulled off for six whole years I pictured a calculated super-villain type. A Lex Luthor.

Unfortunately, this really couldn’t be further from the truth. Where as Lex Luthor would have turned the gold over to some shady arms dealer to purchase a kryptonite sword or something awesome, Mrs. Tambunting kept the gold in buckets in her basement. Yeah, buckets. Not even a safe or a nice cabinet. Buckets. I mean, come on. Buckets?

She never had any grand plans for the gold (at least none that are known), and she never converted any of it to cash. She didn’t have any super-villain type schemes up her sleeve, and that’s upsetting to me. She could have funded the construction of some Earth-destroying laser technology or paid a crooked geologist to create a “natural” disaster that would inevitably sink the entire state of California, but no. Nothing. Really, she was about as un-Lex Luthor as a person who is quietly siphoning millions of dollars from the jewelry store vault they work in could be.

So not only is she a thief, she’s a lame thief without a 5-year plan.

3. She’s claiming it’s not her fault.

Since she started confessing and returning gold (she brought in about 80 pounds with her first confession to Jacmel management) she’s been consistent in her story that she HAD to steal the gold due to an obsessive-compulsive tic.

Some OCD patients lock their front door 50 times daily, while some steal millions of dollars in gold from the vault they work in by smuggling it out on a daily basis in a hole they have cut in the lining of their purses. It’s textbook medicine, really.

Personally, I don’t know that I buy it. As more evidence comes out it may become clear that Queen Midas truly is OCD, but for now it just seems like a really convenient excuse to cover some theft. Plus even if the OCD thing plays, I don’t think kleptomania is going to get her out of jail time.

We’ll see though. I just hope she doesn’t steal the judge’s gavel or her lawyer’s notes at the trial.

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And that’s basically it. One other interesting thing to note in this case is that her husband is claiming ignorance to the entire plot. Sounds kind of like the ever-popular Annette Yeomans case from a few months back. I guess this dude just never noticed his wife’s buckets-filled-with-gold collection in the basement.

Yeah, sure.

Seriously though — buckets?

Oh, and I apologize for the crappy picture. It was one of two that I could find and the other one was way worse (believe it or not).

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Another set of shithead cards just came out

drocolate — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:23:58 +0000

An out-of-work financial services worker named Jason Witt has designed a new set of shithead cards. However, unlike the trading cards being produced by ITE and Topps, these cards are made for gambling, flushing and shuffling.

How fitting.

Mr. Witt’s “Financial Crisis Most Wanted Playing Cards” follow in the same vein as the previously released “Iraqi Most Wanted Playing Cards“, which were a huge hit in 2003. Only now, instead of Saddam Hussein, players will see Bernie “King Shithead” Madoff staring back at them from the ace of spades. It’s fun stuff.

Go HERE and buy a deck.

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