YES!

Charlie Sheen is looking for a social media intern and he has opened his search to the entire Internet.

Here’s the description from the post on internships.com:

“Do you have #TigerBlood? Are you all about #Winning? Can you #PlanBetter than anyone else? If so, we want you on #TeamSheen as our social media #TigerBloodIntern!

This unique internship opportunity will allow a hard-working, self-motivated, creative, resourceful and social media savvy individual to work closely with Charlie Sheen in leveraging his social network. The internship will focus on executing a social media strategy that will build on the success Charlie Sheen has attained in setting the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to reach one million followers on Twitter. The #TigerBloodIntern is expected to be proactive, monitor the day-to-day activities on the major social media platforms, prepare for exciting online projects and increase Charlie’s base of followers.

You will learn how to promote and develop the social media network of Hollywood’s most trending celebrity.”

The posting then asks for interested parties to enter their first name, last name, email address and an explanation of why they should be the social media intern (in 75 characters or less).

Click HERE to apply now. Do it.

In the meantime, if you’d like to take a practice run at your 75 character or less “essay,” feel free to leave it in the comments. I’ll let you know if I think you have a chance to join the sick, sad world of Team Sheen.

Here at ITE? we’ve been writing about things that we feel are a WASTE OF MONEY for ages now, so it only made sense to take a look at the other end of the spectrum in the companion feature — WORTH THE MONEY.

Here’s today’s worthwhile item:

Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go’s new album

Alright folks, it’s shameless self promotion time.

I, drocolate, am not just a blogger. I am also a lover, a master of accents, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker AND a drummer in a rock band called Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go.

Yes, you read that name right.

Aaaaand it just so happens that my band recently released our latest album and now it’s available for purchase out on the interwebz.

It’s called Get Your Science Right and it’s sort of like, well, just check it out for yourself.

Start by listening to this:

Ron Morriss by HSATRTG

Or go HERE to hear a few other songs (though, full disclosure, that raucous Christmas song you’ll find is NOT on the album).

Then, visit either cdbaby or iTunes to purchase a copy. iTunes is a little more convenient but cdbaby is two dollars cheaper so the choice is yours.

• cdbaby
• iTunes

After that, come to Facebook and become a fan of the band.

And then, after all of that, I’ll leave you alone.

Please forgive me for being so shameless, but when you love something you have to set it free… for a nominal fee.

Thanks in advance for all the support, and if any Creed fans get their hands on this post, PLEASE let me know what you think of my band’s music in comparison to your Lord God Creed.

–

Previously on WORTH THE MONEY:

• The actual old lady demon costume from that scary Snickers ad
• Inception
• Haiti Earthquake Relief
• HANDJOB!
• Blow Energy Drink Mix

Top 10 Albums of 2010

10. Spoon, Transference
9. Frightened Rabbit, The Winter of Mixed Drinks
8. Arcade Fire, The Suburbs
7. Mavis Staples, You Are Not Alone
6. Shinyribs, Well After Awhile
5. Alejandro Escovedo, Street Songs of Love
4. Big Boi, Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty
3. Old 97’s, The Grand Theatre
2. Kanye West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

1. Hacienda, Big Red & Barbacoa

Top 10 Months of 2010

10. January
9. February
8. March
7. May
6. June
5. July
4. August
3. September
2. October
Honorable Mention
November
Miss Congeniality
December

1. April — The month I spent unemployed.

Top 10 Baby Names of 2010

10. Gaga
9. Nobama
8. Wiki
7. Biebster
6. Snooki
5. CoCo
4. Yeezy
3. Weezy
2. Jeezy

1. Betty White

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger FakeBritishAccent.

I suppose we could file this under good news?

Four Saturdays ago, I was part of a vehicular collision that left my radiator open-mouth kissing the engine of my 2008 Ford F-150. I will now transcribe this accident in haiku format:

Driving home mid-day.

Traffic caused a huge back-up.

Not for me. Impact.

I drove 45mph into the back of a Chevy Avalanche.

I have to say, what ensued as a result of this wreck is nothing short of Murphy’s Law (READ: my everyday luck, as I am the clumsiest, unluckiest guy on earth), and here’s why:

There was a third vehicle involved (a Lincoln Town and Country, to be exact).  Not because they were hit, but because they bore witness to the accident, so they felt obligated to pull over.

Why is this such a big deal?  Because as my air bag deployed, in a state of complete disarray, I look up to see this insanely hot blonde running to my rescue.   Immediately assuming that I am dead and this is just my subconscious living out possibly the most retarded fantasy ever, you can imagine my surprise when this turned out to be real life, and in panicked shrill, she screamed, “ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  CAN YOU WALK?  IF YOU CAN, GET OUT OF YOUR TRUCK, BECAUSE YOU ARE LEAKING FLUIDS!!!”

Easy, folks.  She was talking about my truck.  I might have just wrecked, but I still have control of my bowels.  SIDE NOTE:  Is it bad that the first thing I remember thinking post-impact was, “Jesus, this chick is hot, but she sounds like Christina Ebersole.”

Murphy – 1, Guestblogger – 0

Anyway, as I exited my now dying truck (which I bought brand new two years ago, by the way – tears flowed like honey, I tell you), I walked forward to make sure the Avalanche passengers were okay.

The good news:  Everyone was fine.

The bad news:  “Everyone” included a husband, a wife, and their two baby girls who were in the back seat.

Murphy – 2, Guestblogger – 0

As I said before, everyone was perfectly healthy.  But let’s go back to the hot blonde for a minute.  Care to guess how she played into this whole situation?

SHE WAS THE PASSENGER IN THE LINCOLN TOWN AND COUNTRY.

Let’s pause briefly to assess what has happened thus far:  I crash into the back of a Chevy Avalanche carrying two infants in the back seat.  As I stumble in and out of Purgatory, which bears a striking resemblance to the “Smack My Bitch Up” music video, I am audibly rescued by a girl who was riding shotgun in a minivan with her Mom.  And the icing on the cake?  This accident attracted the attention of three squad cruisers and two ambulances, blocking two lanes on 75 south and backing traffic up six miles.

Murphy – 4,663, Guestblogger – 0

Upon exiting my vehicle for the first time, I noticed some tightness in my right ankle.  As a precautionary measure, I had one of the paramedics check it out.  His diagnosis was nothing short of dumbfounding:

“You can go to the hospital if you want, but I’ll tell you right now that this isn’t serious.  Pre-impact, you essentially slammed your brakes so hard that you ruptured tendons in your foot.  We see this all the time.”

Wow.  Thanks, bro.

Murphy – 4,664, Guestblogger – 0

And if I’m lying I’m dying – this story gets worse.

Song that was playing pre-impact that has now been deemed the Bad Luck Song of The Year:  KP and Envy’s “Shorty Swing My Way”.  Arguably one of the best mid-90’s Hip Hop Jamz OF ALL TIMEZ.  No lie, this was one of my favorite songs in the world until I went Randy Couture on that Avalanche.  Now I can’t even stand the thought of that song.

Murphy – 4,665, Guestblogger – 0

At this point, you have to be wondering why this is filed under “good news”.  Well, In This Economy, credit card debt is prevalent to the point of absurdity.  Luckily, I had gained positive equity on my truck, so when my insurance agency appraised the damage, they valued my truck for more than it was worth when I bought it.

Let me repeat that.

THEY.VALUED.MY.TRUCK.FOR.MORE.THAN.IT.WAS.WORTH.WHEN.I.BOUGHT.IT.

That is the only silver lining to this story.  So with the money left over after I paid off my truck, I was also able to pay off said credit card debt and still make a nice down payment on my new vehicle.

Murphy – 4,665, Guestblogger – 1

Looooooove that money.  Thanks for having me.

Come with me on a trip, my friends.

A trip to the beautiful farming community of Trundle, Australia.

NOTE: This picture was NOT taken in Trundle.

Over the past few years the population of Trundle has been dwindling, so, in an attempt to both increase awareness about their town and inject some new life into their faltering community, the people of Trundle have unveiled the Trundle Tree Change program.

Quick note: A Tree Change is an Aussie term for moving out of the city and into the country — or as it’s called down under — the bush. So basically a TREE change involves moving to the BUSH. Silly Aussies.

But enough about inane Aussie-isms, let’s get back on track.

The Trundle Tree Change program is offering up several Trundle farmhouses for the too-good-be-true rental price of $1 a week. Why is that price too good to be true? Well, because calling these houses fixer uppers is a compliment.

Here, check out this one, which is charmingly labeled as Farmhouse 5:

I wanna come home to that!

But don’t judge based on the exterior only. After all, it’s what on the inside that counts:

Yeah, ok, you can judge. In America, we would refer to a house like this as:

• A shithole
• A meth lab
• Wildly Oklahoman
• A set from the movie, The Road
• A good place to work through the eventual bed shitting side effect that comes from drinking Four Lokos
• Condemned

But in Australia, they refer to it as an opportunity. Silly Aussies.

Now in fairness, of the 7 farmhouses they have listed on their site, this is the worst one. And one of them actually looked fairly nice, but it’s still going to cost way more than $1 a week to live there. You have to pay for repairs and utilities and spider insurance and a pet koala and more. There would wind up being so many Aussie-based costs that the savings from the cheap rent (which is actually one Australian dollar, which equals 93 American cents) would be slight.

So, to sum up, I don’t really think the Trundle Tree Change program is a great initiative. But that’s mostly because I’m sort of a sissy who doesn’t like spiders the size of Volkswagens. If you’re more of the adventurous type who enjoys fighting marsupials and building things then go HERE and look into signing up today.

And good luck to the people of Trundle. Even though I poke fun, I really do hope your program works.

I’m going to keep this brief.

1. Go HERE (or click the image above).

2. Download the new Girl Talk album, All Day. It’s free.

3. Listen to it all the way through and be amazed at how Greg Gillis mixes things like Portishead with things like Ludacris. He’s so good.

Oh, and if you have trouble downloading now just try again a little later. That site is getting A LOT of traffic this morning.

Ok, that’s it.

Download and enjoy. Do it.

Please give. All proceeds go to black hair dye. As is God's will.

My bosses at ITE are really hoping I don’t start a series called “Holy Horseshit” wherein I profile snake-oil salesman of all religions and even go undercover at monstrosities like the upcoming First Baptist Dallas temple of opulent doom. But I cry a lot when I don’t get my way, and it’s embarrassing for everyone. Soooo…. here we go.

The power of Popoff

Do you have crippling credit card debt? Has the bank threatened to send hired goons to extract car or mortgage payments from you by any means necessary? Are you still paying your student loans even though your degree didn’t get you the career you wanted so you think you should get a full refund? (Damn you, journalism school!)

Well, fret no more! Your prayers have been answered. Literally.

Peter Popoff is the hilariously named evangelist who was best known in the 70s and 80s for being a vessel through which God spoke and healed the infirm. Except that God turned out to be his wife feeding him names and other info through his earpiece. This technique was meticulously recreated in the muckraking documentary “Fletch Lives.”

And the infirm were often made to look more infirm than they were, so when they, for instance, stood up from a wheelchair, it wasn’t so much a miracle as it was Popoff’s people unnecessarily seating fully ambulatory attendees in those wheelchairs when they arrived at Popoff’s house of lies. That scam was documented in the “Fletch Lives” sequel “Leap of Faith.”

But what a racket!

Water is thicker than debt

After some godless heathen exposed Popoff as a fraud (see video below), he went bankrupt and retreated to the open arms of late-night TV where he preached the same fake gospel to people in real need. And now he’s back… to let you know… he can really shake ‘em down. For everything they’re worth.

Introducing Miracle Spring Water (and Debt Cancellation Kit, featuring the Anointed Faith Tool, which looks like a little Martian Jesus). It’s the miracle that washes away financial trouble and replaces it with financial trouble plus a bottle of water.

All you have to do is follow Popoff’s instructions on how to use the water, whatever those instructions may be, and God will produce however much money you need. He doesn’t explain where God gets the money. If He gets it the way Popoff does, He shamelessly cons the dumb and desperate.

See, the best part is that if you send in your prayer and receive your water, you’ll be bombarded with letters from Popoff begging for money—even before the miracle water has a chance to do its stuff! And from what I can tell, he spends all his income on hair dye. I’m not sure why he doesn’t use his own Miracle Spring Water to get rich. Unless the miracles he speaks of are just part of a pyramid scheme. In which case, I’ve performed a few miracles my goddamn self.

Personally, I would wait until I actually had miracle money to waste before I wasted it on Popoff. I will, however, waste Popoff’s money by frequently calling his 800 number and returning his postage-paid donation forms (sans donations). I suggest you do the same.

I just hope he’s buried in a public place when he dies, so I can dance on his grave and anoint it with my own brand of Miracle Spring Urine.

Hello, friends.

So, last year ITE? made a play to get into SXSWi (in conjunction with some of the brilliant minds at fiveoclockdallas.com and iliveindallas.com), and succeeded. We went, we spoke, we conquered. It was rad.

And now we want to do it all over again… and, like last year, we need your help.

But before we go any further, please check out this quick video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGHG4JxTrbY

If that video didn’t pique your interest (or at least entertain you) at all, then check out this quick description of our panel idea:

“Last year, six average Joes couldn’t tweet their way out of a paper bag. But they banded together and used each other’s strengths to make their dream of speaking at SXSWi a reality. Learn how they leveraged the power of social media strategy, exceptional content, and relentless self promotion to get their panel accepted. In this panel, we’ll take you through every step of the process: -Brainstorming an idea that doesn’t suck -Using every tool at your disposal to promote the hell out of that idea -Preparing yourself for the opportunity of a lifetime -And making the most out of it once you’re there.”

Basically it’s a panel idea that we want to get picked about how to create a panel idea that you want to get picked. It’s sort of like the Inception of SXSWi panel ideas… or something.

So now if you’ve made it this far down on the page you must really want to vote, but how do you do it?

It’s easy:

• Create an account in order to vote/comment on our panel here — http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/users/register
• Check your email and validate your account  (don’t worry, you are not signing onto any e-mail lists by giving SXSW your information)
• Click on or paste the link below in your browser and give it a thumbs up!

http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/ideas/view/5763

And that’s all there is to it. We need all the help we can get so please tell your friends about our little campaign. We couldn’t have done it last year without you guys, and we surely can’t do it this year without you… so please give us a hand… or at least a thumb.

THANKS!

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE? guestblogger T-Bag.

Here at ITE? we’ve been writing about things that we feel are a WASTE OF MONEY for months now, so it only made sense to take a look at the other end of the spectrum in the companion feature — WORTH THE MONEY.

Here’s today’s worthwhile item:

Inception

There’s a moment a little bit more than halfway through Inception, an action sequence set on two different planes of reality, where Christopher Nolan proves he is the greatest working director today.

Nolan’s follow-up to the wildly successful The Dark Knight seems at first to be little more than a victory lap. After all, what else does Nolan have to prove? Knight made over a billion dollars worldwide, brought critical legitimacy to the superhero genre and, with its lack of a best picture nod, became one of the primary reasons the Academy increased the total nominations from five films to ten. More than anytime in his career, Nolan has earned the right to coast.

But with Inception, Christopher Nolan has created the most ambitious and thought-provoking summer blockbuster since Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner.

The plot is simultaneously intricate, disorientating and straightforward. The marketing campaign, for once, is entirely on the nose. Inception is a heist film set within the landscape of the human mind. The thieves, led by Leonardo Dicaprio, are hired by corporations to steal information locked in the dreams of their competitors. Much of Inception’s running time is devoted to explaining how this concept works, with the first half of the film serving as a massive infodump tutorial on dream hacking.

And it’s all insanely satisfying, entertaining, and immersive. At its core, Inception is an action film. Yet, it’s power lies in the mysteries of the human mind, the subconscious desires of the soul, and the suppressed memories of the grieving heart.

The weight of these ideas, like a collapsing dream, should have been enough to topple Inception like a stack of cards. Instead, with Nolan’s assured hand, the plot builds on itself layer upon layer, until a thriller both familiar and new rises up to dazzle our eyes and fire up our minds.

Nolan’s genius lies in his ability to keep us from losing our grasp on the story. No matter how byzantine the plot, we are always aware of where we are, where we’ve been, and where we will soon be led. The map is always clear, and our waypoints always accurate.

This is a film that demands to be seen twice, three times, once every year for the rest of your life. It is meant to be discussed in a dimly lit bar, where patrons are shadows in the background, and Inception’s ideas shine like stars so close you can touch.

In the 70’s, Jaws and Star Wars were blamed for the death of the art film. How could filmmakers like Ashby, Cassavettes, and Friedkin compete with the thrill and showmanship of the modern blockbuster? It was much easier for audiences to understand the terror of a man-eating shark and the joy of going into hyperspace than it was to give themselves over to explorations of the human psyche. With Inception, Christopher Nolan has brought art to the blockbuster. You owe it to yourself to see this film, to demand that Hollywood crafts more stories like it.

The golden age of the blockbuster has begun. It’s time to wake up and dream.

[T-Bag resides in Los Angeles, California. His favorite film of 2010, so far, is Exit Through The Gift Shop.]

–

Previously on WORTH THE MONEY:

• Haiti Earthquake Relief
• HANDJOB!
• Blow Energy Drink Mix
• HEALTH’s New Album
• (500) Days of Summer

Not that long ago it was pretty normal for people to get a job with one company and stay there for an entire career. My father, for example, has worked for the same company for forty-something years and will retire one day as a work monogamist. One work mate his entire career.

Now let’s fast forward to today. The idea of workplace monogamy is extinct. These days people change jobs every few years in search of better opportunities, larger paydays and bigger breasts. Wait… what am I talking about?

In all seriousness though, knowing the proper way to quit a job is an integral part of surviving in the working world these days, so ITE? is here to help. If you’re thinking about jumping ship for a bigger and better gig elsewhere just follow these easily laid out instructions to make sure the bridge you leave behind is anything but burned.

Ok, let’s get into it.

1. Always give two weeks notice.

Hopefully this one seems like a no-brainer, but surprisingly it doesn’t always happen the way it should. If you get a new job you’ll probably be super excited and want to start it immediately, but you need to give your current employer AT LEAST 2 weeks to make arrangements to replace everything you’ve been bringing to the table. It’s the most simple courtesy you can give.

ACTION TIP: When discussing the new job with your new employer, make sure to make it clear that you will need to give your former employer at least 2 weeks notice. If you state this upfront it should not be a problem.

2. Control the flow of information.

Tell your immediate boss in person and then ask them the best course of action for informing fellow team members and coworkers. People can sometimes feel betrayed if they hear about someone’s departure from anyone other than the person departing, so do everything you can to get the word out in a quick and orderly manner. Don’t let it be a rumor that turns out to be true. Get in front of it.

ACTION TIP: After discussing strategy with your boss, a quick email to direct team members can be a nice way to spread the word in a respectful manner.

3. Tell your coworkers what you think of them.

Have you ever heard the theory that ghosts are just dead people who had unfinished business in their lives? Well, leaving a workplace can be kind of like dying in that place, and you don’t want to be a work ghost. What I’m saying is that if you have some unfinished business with some of your coworkers make sure to finish it.

If you think the girl who sits two cubes down has a “great ass,” you should tell her. She’ll appreciate the feedback. And if you think your boss is a “total fucking dickhead that couldn’t manage his/her way out of a paper bag and probably has herpes from all the crotches he’s/she’s been snuggling up with,” then tell them! They’ll never know how you feel if you keep it bottled up! And they’ll never be able to grow as an employee if they don’t hear your thoughts.

ACTION TIP: When telling a coworker what you think of them use expletives to make feedback more powerful. “I always wanted to strangle you in meetings” is not nearly as powerful as “I always wanted to fucking strangle you in meetings.” And since this feedback is meant to help the remaining coworker out, the more powerful it is the better.

4. Give your coworkers something to remember you by.

Losing a beloved coworker can be really hard, so to soften that blow it is sometimes a good idea to hand out some sort of forget-me-not to your soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. Baking cupcakes filled with chocolate chips, fire ants and glass shards is one easy (and yummy!) way to say goodbye. Also, nothing ever says “I will never forget you guys” better than a well timed upper-decker.

What’s an upper-decker you ask?

Well, for those of you who aren’t UD vets, it’s the act of taking a poop in the toilet tank portion of the toilet as opposed to the bowl. It’s a true classic, and your coworkers will never forget you if you execute it just right.

ACTION TIP: Don’t go too far when handing out a memento. No one wants some stupid homemade macaroni art bullshit. Make it something small but meaningful. Baked goods and items that relate back to an inside joke are always a great idea.

5. Take DNA samples of your favorite coworkers with you so that you can reproduce them in a dystopian future society of clones and other crazy sci-fi shit.

It’s the year 2010, and in ten years it will be the year 2020. I have to assume that by then human cloning will be fully accepted so why not get ahead of the game and start stockpiling DNA samples of some of your favorite coworkers now so that you can work with them again in a fully cloned-out mega office of your creation.

It’s really simple.

Just get some hair, or some skin, or some blood, or a lot of blood, or even some semen from your favorite coworkers and store it until cloning technology catches up. When it does, defrost all that shit and hatch some new productive copies of your old productive buddies. YEAH! SCIENCE!

ACTION TIP: Syringes can be VERY obvious, so only use them to retrieve samples if you see no other way.

–

And that’s it. If you follow those 5 simple steps you’ll be well on your way to leaving an unburned bridge behind you. You’ll have given your former employer the respect they always gave you, and really that’s what it’s all about — respect.

Now get out there and chase your dreams!

Abercrombie and Fitch, and all of their spinoff brands, are a joke. I think we can all agree on that.

Their pre-destroyed, consistently tiny clothing is shoddy and their kiddie-porn catalogs have become predictable and trite. Oh, and they also can’t manage their financials for shit. They’re a joke.

And now, the joke just got even funnier because Abercrombie recently had to close their New York Hollister (that’s the spinoff shop that’s even darker and louder… somehow) store due to an infestation of bed bugs.

Yes, bed bugs.

Gross.

"We are beautiful. And itchy."

So let’s add “complete lack of basic hygiene” to the list of reasons why the Abercrombie and Fitch stores are hilarious. Seriously though, bed bugs? How does that happen? Did an especially greasy employee bring them in on their person? Are there beds in this store? Were the bed bugs in the clothes themselves? Is “bed bugs” just a PR-friendly way to say “crabs”?

Gross gross gross.

Standard-issue white person

On a normal day, CNN spends its time creating false leads about missing children when they know damn well Larry King has them in his dungeon hooked up to a machine that sucks out and liquifies their life force so he can inject the extract into his sole remaining uncollapsed vein, which just happens to be in his penis.

But recently, I read a story that…

I said, but recently I read a story that…

HEY! Take your mind off Larry King’s kock and focus for a second. This could affect you if you’re white. And odds are you are white. White like American Jesus.

Don’t call it a Caucasian comeback

You all know how white people haven’t gotten a fair shake throughout history, right? So check this out: If you’re white, you can get a job in China. That job: being white.

Seems that companies in China create an illusion of prestige by having a few crackers hanging around pretending to be foreign girlfriends, foreign business partners, foreign employees, foreign investors and foreign foreigners. Having whitey on hand makes it look like a business has legitimate international connections. International peckerwood connections. And it’s mostly Chinese tricking other Chinese. You don’t even have to speak the language. In fact, it’s preferred that you don’t. You get a phony translator to do the heavy lifting.

SIDE NOTE: One of the common terms for this semi-insidious ruse is “Face Job.” I usually reserve that term for something else, but I’m willing to give it up if I can replace it with “chow mein.”

The Great Wile of China

I don’t begrudge white folk for taking any work they can get. It’s been tough out there for snowflakes. But the Chinese should be ashamed of themselves for this disgustingly dishonest, cowardly, unscrupulous—Where do I send my résumé?