How’s that for a sensational headline? Pretty solid, right.

But what is this dick mouth I’m speaking of? Is it an STD? Some sort of fungus? Or is it simply the non-medical condition that makes people say ridiculously dickish things when microphones are in front of them for a prolonged period of time?

Yeah, it’s that third one. And Mitt Romney is really suffering from it lately.

As we all know by now, last week Mitt proclaimed how much he loves to fire people… which is a pretty dickish comment, especially coming from a guy who made his entire fortune by basically firing people.

Then yesterday the Mittsy Bitsy Spider said this in regards to the nation’s growing focus on income inequality:

“You know, I think it’s about envy.”

You see Mitt thinks the incredible disparity between our nation’s “middle” class and rich folks is simply being highlighted because of envy. Take Mitt for example, the only reason people keep knocking him is because they are jealous of him and his good hair millions. It’s not because he’s a waffler, or a robot, or a waffling robot.

So why is his comment dickish?

Well, it might not be fair to say this but it’s dickish because Mitt is filthy rich. If Rick “Everyman” Santorum came out and said something like this it would be an insight. A stupid insight, but an insight all the same. But because Mitt is rich, his calling the attention on income inequality “envy” just sounds like a shitty, bratty kid.

We’ll have to see what Mitt’s dick mouth says next. Stay tuned.

Okay, so maybe the end of the world won't be so bad after all...

It’s not even 2012 yet, but I figure that in a few minutes, we’ll either be in the middle of Reign of Fire or not. But if we are about to enter a The Day After Tomorrow situation, it’s important to decide whether you’re going to be a Jake Gyllenhaal or just some frozen son-of-a-bitch who gave up and just died. I say let’s be Jakes and kick some ass, at least until The Core stops the Earth from turning and kills us (however that would work). Today is our Independence Day! Now’s not the time for laziness. Or more Terminator jokes. Oops.

It’s not entirely crazy to think that in today’s War of the Worlds environment where fighting, hate and killing appears to be more widespread than ever, that the big guy up there might give up on us like he did once before. Who knows if Noah even said “No Backsies!” when he saw the rainbow after the flood?! So this “End of the World” or “Rapture” or End of Days or whatever it is has gotten me thinking. What will happen after all those saint-like folks disappear? What will happen to their worldly possessions? I suppose it’s only right for all of us sinners to collect. They certainly won’t miss any of it where they’re going, right?

Here’s some ideas I came up with.

Top 5 Ways to Get Rich when the World Ends:

1) Pillaging
the homes of the happily departed. Obvi.

2) Prostitution
Why avoid more sinning when there’s no getting into heaven anyway? Let’s bang!

3) Hocking bungee cords
for all those impending giant holes in the earth caused by earthquakes. Simply tie it to something sturdy.

4) Solar power
I’m sure solar is gonna be big in the post-Apocalyptic world (and I know a guy.)

5) Zombie Repellent
Who cares if it works? When Dawn of the Dead comes you’ll pay big to try it out.

I’m sure there are many more, but I’m trying to post this before 6:00 so I’m just going to wrap it up here.

Anyway, this brush with possible apocalyptic death has had a Deep Impact on me. Even if we don’t die in a painful, scary Armageddon, it’s time to recommit to this blog. And if I’m not here tomorrow, or 28 Days Later than that, or at least if the Internet doesn’t work, well, then I don’t have to follow through I suppose.

I know we’ve told you to go to Denny’s before. For free shit. For cheap shit. For people-watching. But now we’re changing our tune for sure. Because apparently there is danger hiding inside a Denny’s near you.

Grand Slam Bam Bang.

This man was shot during a violent rampage in a Denny’s in Kent, Washington four years ago.  And today, that man is a really, really rich quadriplegic. A court just ordered Denny’s to pay him $47 million for not protecting him while he ordered his Grand Slam breakfast at 2 a.m.

The lawyer’s argument includes a list of violent incidents at many Denny’s across the country, with a spike at “bar time” and on the weekends. That Denny’s didn’t do enough to protect its customers, especially Mr. Toelainuh. So what we can conclude is that A) Denny’s is a dangerous place to be (and not just for your stomach anymore), and B) drunk people cannot be trusted with the freedom to enter a Denny’s. The whole thing is gross.

Plus, there’s obviously a “Guns don’t kill people, Grand Slams kill people” joke in there somewhere. Also gross.

Be prepared to start seeing metal detectors in your favorite shitty restos, and, yes, I’m thinking prices will go up to support the cost of these increases in security. And all you wanted was some pancakes. Sorry, bro.

So sure, there is money to be made from dining at Denny’s, but it is NOT worth it. If you want crappy food and fantastic people-watching, we recommend you head to Hooters instead.

Pictured: buzz kill

Enter Trenta. At a whopping 31 oz. size, it’s Starbuck’s latest —and largest— jitter-thriller. And the scene of the crime is your unsuspecting stomach organ part. You see, the average human stomach size is just a tad bit smaller than the liquid contents of this cup size. So, obviously, consuming it will kill you. Instantly. Cheaper than a big box of over-the-counter kill-yourself meds, though. Right? In this economy, even your last cent spent counts.

Enjoy, if you dare!!

Follow Breadwinner on Twitter, also if you dare.

I was recently poking around on the internet (no not that kind of poking, jeez) and found this article titled Top 10 Scams that Target the Unemployed. Naturally, I was intrigued. I read through their list of scams, recognized a few, but for the most part found them pretty dry and uncreative. I mean, who gets paid to do arts and crafts?! And since when does the Government pay you to mail postcards for them? For “$350 per week!” Sigh. And now it’s on the Twitter, too. Tweet about something totally unrelated and here come the scammers. Someone tweeted this at me this very afternoon:

Damn sons of bitches! How did Ouida know I was looking for some openings??! Twitter is amazingly dead right sometimes. So is astrology.

But I know we’ve all been there. Unemployed, haphazardly searching the internet in a drunken daze until the wee hours of the night when our eyes dry out and our vision starts to blur and we can’t tell the real jobs from the fakeouts. Suddenly,  postings titled “MARKETING SUPERSTARS $90K” and “WORK FROM HOME MAKE MILLIONS” start to sound appealing.

Danger!

Get to bed. Get some rest and get your head right. Jobs that seem too good to be true are just that. A job that actually is really good? Well, someone else probably already snagged that job in this economy.

Anyway, I’ve got some good ideas for some better and more interesting scams that can target the unemployed. If you can think of some better goodies (and I’m betting you can), please leave them for me to discover in the Comments section below. Thanks, my loves.

5 More Scams That Target the Unemployed: ITE Edition

1) Kickball Scam

In this scam the scammer asks the scammee to pay him or her to watch someone get kicked in the balls. Once payment is received the scammer kicks the scammee square in the balls. Double ouch.

2) Skeeball Scam

Your unemployed ass is in a Chuck E. Cheese. Someone walks up to you and says they’ll give you 2 Tootsie Rolls for every ticket you score playing Skeeball. Fantastic! You play long and you play hard. While you’re celebrating your soon-to-be-chocolaty victory, the scammer steals your tickets and runs right out of there. On your sad walk past the redemption counter you realize Chuck E. gives you 4 Tootsie Rolls per ticket anyway. SCAMMED!

3) Puppy Dog Scam

A stranger knocks on your door and holds up a collar-less, adorable, scruffy little dog. He tells a sad story about how he nearly ran the dog over on the road right in front of your house. He says the dog is hurt — that’s why he’s holding him in his arms of course — and that he’s going to head to the local vet and will need to get some money to help pay for the impending cost. As Sarah MacLachlan music plays in your head you hand him over a $20 and he promises to bring the little guy by once he’s healthy. As you watch them walk down the street the guy drops the dog, slips on a collar and gets into the cab of a nearby truck.

4)  SYTYCD Scam

You’re on your way to a big show at a concert hall. You’re excited because you saved for months just to attend this show that cost you almost $75, including fees. (No, the fees aren’t the scam.) You are ready for a bad ass show, because $75 is a lot of money for shitty seats. The show begins, and you realize every single act you’re watching is already at home on your TiVo. You paid $75 to squint while tiny ants dance around doing the exact same thing they did all season, when you could just have easily relived every sweaty moment on hulu and spent that $75 on lotto tickets. Congratulations again. So You Think You Can Suck.

5) The Gander

www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7fQHKA9yRQ

You’re pretending to shop at the local high-end grocery store while actually consuming your dinner in free gourmet food samples. A stranger in a large overcoat says he’ll give you a chicken that’s cheaper and more organic than anything they have in the butcher case, for just $7. You give him the cash, walk into the bathroom and he flashes you. You’re stunned. He runs out. Congratulations. You’ve just become the “goose who’s had the old switcheroo pulled on him.”

Bottom line?

Don’t be an idiot. And the next time a scammer comes after you, just tell them where to go.

The short story:

Not even one year after this one British billionaire bought Segway from an American billionaire, the new British one ran his Segway off a cliff. So much for trying to save the company from demise.

That was in poor taste, I know.

But his company, Hesco Bastion Ltd, is “the world-leading manufacturer of protective barriers used to protect British and coalition troops around the world.” If only there were some of those Hesco Bastion protective barriers on that cliff. If only.

Clearly,

Another billionaire will obviously need to step in, buy Segway and try their luck at staying alive. I’m looking at you, Buffett.

But seriously, Mr. Heselden was a big supporter of the Leeds Community Foundation. In fact, he donated £10m just this month, building his lifetime charitable donations to more than £23m. That’s like 45 million for us Americans. In response to his death, many people have stepped up and donated funds to the foundation. There’s your silver lining, folks.

These guys put the "gyro" in gyroscopes

According to tech.blorge.com, a Segway is “an electric, self-balancing human transporter with a complex, computer-controlled gyroscopic stabilization and control system.” It is “often-discussed but infrequently purchased personal transportation device.” So true.

Gyroscopes, eh.

Well, I have for one have always believed that Segways are machines of the future sent here to destroy us by distracting us with their alien-like coolness while their operators steal our intellectual property, handbags and/or alarm codes. Fact. I’ve seen it happen.

Either that, or it’s just a high-tech example that Americans will come up with anything to allow our innate laziness to prevail.

All bad jokes aside, I will leave you all with this simply stated quote from Mr. Seselden:

“There are people out there who are making money and when times are good, I honestly believe people have a moral obligation to use their wealth to help others.”

Follow breadwinner on Twitter.

We here at ITE? try to steer clear of major issues whenever possible. This is for a variety of reasons, like:

• Major issues such as religion or politics demand a level of research and fact checking that we can’t be bothered with
• These major issues aren’t really all that funny at times (this article will prove that)
• Major issues are extremely divisive, and, well, we just want to be everyone’s buddy

BUT, unfortunately, sometimes an issue (that some may consider to be “major”) cannot be ignored, and this is one of those times.

Let’s start with the Ground Zero mosque uproar.

Yes, I know that this story has been beaten into the ground, but it really needs to be mentioned as a table setter for the main course of ignorance to come.

As most of you probably know by now, an Islamic community center and mosque called Park51 is being built two blocks from where the World Trade Center towers once stood. What you probably also know is that a lot of people aren’t happy about this. Increasing numbers of people have been emerging over the past couple months to speak out against the construction of the center, calling it disrespectful to the victims of the 9/11 tragedy.

You see, because the dickhead terrorists who crashed their hijacked planes into the trade towers that day were Muslim (albeit radical Muslim), the entire faith is somehow responsible for the catastrophe, and should have to pay some sort of price.

No one opposing the mosque seems to care about the aspects of the Constitution that allow religious freedom. These same people don’t want to acknowledge the fact that these religious freedoms are one of the things that makes the United States of America such an amazing place to live.

Nope. They’re happy just leaving that part out.

They’re happy being ignorant.

And please don’t misunderstand, I feel horribly about the 9/11 tragedy. I’m a proud American, so of course I do. But the acts of one subset of crazy people should not become the standard that an entire population is judged against.

The ignorance being displayed at Park51 will most likely not lead to any immediate changes at the site. The building will be built, and once election day scoots off the calendar in November the Fox News air waves will tire of the subject completely. The litany of politicians and pundits using the “issue” as a talking point will no longer see its value and will move on to something else.

But the damage of their ignorance will still leave a mark.

Hell, it already is.

Ignorance gives way to blind hatred.

Here’s the problem:

The perfectly innocuous construction of Park51 has become a rallying point for a new wave of vehement anti-Islamic sentiment. Everywhere you turn now there is a crowd of ignorant fools gathering to demonstrate against a mosque being built in their area.

Unfortunately, these crowds don’t have the convenient excuse of being near a tragedy site to mask their discriminatory ramblings. Nope. Instead, they’re just carelessly spouting hate speech about Muslim people and customs in places like Tennessee and Wisconsin. So instead of there being two sides to the argument (and I’m stretching to say that there are two sides in the NYC case) there is only one side, the side of hatred. And discrimination.

And ignorance.

And then, just when you think things can’t get any more ridiculous, Terry Jones comes along and turns up the heat. Literally.

Terry Jones hates America.

The powder keg of anti-Islamic bullshit that has been poked and prodded over the past 90 days has given way to some truly despicable acts. A few weeks back, an Islamic cab driver was slashed with a knife for simply admitting he was Muslim. Then, a few days after that, several Islamic prayer rugs were urinated on (and YES, if I wasn’t running so hot right now I’d totally insert a Big Lebowski comment here) by a man who shouted “terrorists” after drunkenly wandering into a mosque.

And now, the great and powerful Reverend Terry Jones has organized an event for this Saturday (which happens to be 9/11) encouraging people to burn copies of the Quran.

So we’ve got a knife attack based solely on blind (and ignorant) hatred, a despicable act of biological vandalism and a zealot encouraging people to burn the most holy book in the entire Muslim faith.

Yikes. That’s not good.

Rev. Jones has spoken out and said that he is organizing the book burning to “send a message to radical Islam,” but the whole thing sure seems like a classic example of stooping to the level of your enemy to me. The argument could be made that this is a time to “fight fire with fire” or some other bullshit cliche, but when your enemy is a group of people that are completely crazy, you don’t want to play with the sort of fire they’re dealing with.

Plus, isn’t one of the great strengths of America the simple fact that we don’t handle problems in radical ways? We’re a rational nation that thinks before it acts.

But I guess Rev. Jones doesn’t really like America all that much. At least that’s what his actions make me think.

Despite name dropping the Constitution whenever someone questions how he can do something this crazy, he obviously has no real appreciation for the document or he wouldn’t be persecuting an entire faith of people.

In fact, based on the words of General David Petraeus (who knows a thing or two), the Quran burning movement could very easily lead to more anti-American violence both here and overseas, where our troops are busting their asses to protect assholes like Terry Jones.

Yet, despite the potential violence that could befall Americans, the good reverend has not given up his cause yet. Why? Well, for lack of a better (and more rational) reason, I’d have to say it’s because he hates America.

Or… maybe he’s just ignorant.

In conclusion…

If you’re thinking about burning a Quran this Saturday, don’t do it. Light up a candle and say a prayer for our troops instead. Or say a few words for those that lost their lives back in 2001.

Don’t contribute to this movement of ignorance and hate. Just don’t. Muslim Americans are Americans and to think that they’re any different than you or me because they worship differently is UN-American.

And now, because I can’t think of a better way to end this thing I give you this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHlopjHepEw

Listen to Rodney, people. Listen to him.

As part of their “GYT: Get Yourself Tested” campaign, Yahoo! News reported this morning that MTV and Foursquare are “rewarding” peeps who check in at STD testing centers! Finally that burning sensation during urniation can lead to a reward.

Oh what’s that, Foursquare & MTV?

It’s not a monetary reward? No discount at the testing center? Not even a free condom or pregnancy test?!

It’s a custom badge!

More like "Unlock the chastity belt"

According to the article, “The badge itself is lime green and black, with the letters “GYT” emblazoned in the middle.”

LAME.

But no worries—I’ve got some suggestions.

"I've got the Syph. Leave me alone"

"I'm clean—let's fuck!"

"AIDS-free since '93"

"HERPES!!"

Look, I certainly support folks getting tested for stuff (hey—I’m no asshole!) and I’m DEFINITELY cool with Foursquare, when checking in gets me 10% off or a free drink with purchase. It’s a recession, after all.

But the “custom badge” shit just doesn’t blow my skirt up. Sorry.

Leave me your suggestions for what the custom Foursquare badges could say below in the comments. Spanks.

Back to your regularly scheduled check-ins, my fellow dorks.

Follow breadwinner on twitter. It’s completely STD-free.

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE? guestblogger CadillacMan.

General Motors is just now emerging from bankruptcy after surviving on our tax money for far too long. They have downsized, closed dealerships and eliminated brands, but the thing they haven’t done is actually come up with a new American-made car that is a knockout hit.

Enter the Volt…

When the Chevy Volt plug-in hybrid electric car concept was announced years ago it got a lot of good ink (it can travel 40 miles on battery power alone and then a small gas engine starts and keeps the car going up to 300 miles more on a tank of gas), but it took an awful long time to develop.

And in the meantime, everyone and their brother came out with a hybrid. Here’s some highlights:

• Toyota sold all the Prius hybrids they could build at a starting price of $22,800
• Honda brought out the Insight hybrid, which did everything the Prius did, for only $19,800
• Lexus released the CT200H starting at $28,900
• Nissan recently announced that the new Nissan Leaf, which is an all-electric car (take that, hybrids!) with a driving range up to 120 miles on a charge, will start at $32,780

$32,780?!? That sounds expensive for a small car, doesn’t it? Nah, that’s chump change in comparison to the Volt, which will be priced STARTING AT $41,000!

What? Wow.

That is BMW and Mercedes territory. There might be a few rich techies or greenies like Ed Begley Jr. that can afford that but regular folks in need of a commuter car will just laugh and look elsewhere.

If GM really wanted to get back in business with American buyers they should have designed the Volt for a starting price just below the Honda or Prius, beating them at their own game. Instead they jacked up their profit margin to a ridiculous level and will most likely cut their own throats when the car doesn’t sell in quantity. Plus the whole thing is just another example of foreign companies maintaining and expanding their market share while American manufacturing plants continue to shut down.

Thanks a lot, GM. Nice work.

[CadillacMan is an automobile enthusiast. He is also Drocolate's dad.]

The folks who brought us the free peach Frosty and those really annoying Spicy Chicken Nugget commercials have really pissed off one friend-of-the-blog, who from this day forward will be known as CheapKitty. This is her story.

All CheapKitty wanted to do was purchase her favorite item off of their supposedly Super Value Menu at her local Wendy’s. What you see below is her actual complaint to Wendy’s corporate regarding their decision to remove the regular chicken fingers from the Super Value Menu and replace them with the new spicy version. This would cost the spice-averse an extra $.30 to bring home the nuggets they crave (as if they would ever make it home!). In this economy, 30 cents is serious. And 30% of the way toward a second order of nuggets.

Stay tuned for Wendy’s reply, which according to the system, will be within 48 hours. Meanwhile, do you support CheapKitty’s point of view on the subject? Show your love (or call her a ginger bitch — she’ll love that) in the comments below.

I’m going to keep this brief.

Kellogg Co. announced today that it is recalling 28 million boxes of cereal due to a cereal box liner that can make you sick. The affected cereals are Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks and the symptoms of this cereal box sickness are nausea and diarrhea. Gross.

The tainted bags will have an “uncharacteristic off-flavor and smell coming from the liner in the package.” They will also have the letters KN following the “better if used before” line on the box.

So basically, if you’ve got a box of Apple Jacks at home that stinks and has that KN on it, don’t eat any of it. I know Apple Jacks are awesome, but Apple Jack diarrhea is anything but.

If you’ve got a poisonous box call Kellogg at 888-801-4163 from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET to get that shit replaced. Or simply go HERE for more info.

And that ends this ITE public safety message. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

It’s iPhone 4 day!

Or, well, at least it is for those of you who managed to get your orders in before everything started to break down over at the Apple empire.

For the rest of you. The ones who aren’t sitting at home right now figuring out ways to take sexting to the next level using FaceTime, this story is for you. Hopefully it’ll make you feel better.

Long ago Apple was founded by three dudes. There was Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniack and Ron Wayne. The two Steves were the big dogs and they brought in Mr. Wayne to serve as a mediator. If one Steve had one opinion and the other Steve had a differing one, Ron Wayne would come in and settle everything. As a reward for his work in this role he was awarded 10% of Apple, which at the time was worth dick.

This arrangement worked well… for about 11 days.

After a week and a half though, Mr. Wayne removed himself from the company charter. He had been down the startup company road before with a failed slot machine-manufacturing business and didn’t have it in him to do it all again. The Steves paid him $800 and relieved him of all his stock.

And that’s the brutal part. He got $800 for stock that would today be worth (*gasp*) $22 billion. Yes, billion. Let me write that out for you: $22,000,000,000.

WHAAAAAAAAA?!?!?! SO MANY ZEROES!

In an article on CNN.com today he claims that his decision doesn’t really bother him:

“What can I say? You make a decision based on your understanding of the circumstances, and you live with it…”

Yeah… but $22 BILLION?!?!?! How do you live with that?!

These days he lives off of his social security and the small sums he makes selling collector’s stamps and coins. STAMPS AND FUCKING COINS?!?! $22 BILLION?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

It’s really gotta suck to be Ron Wayne.