“I want that!” — The Easy Toothbrush
Posted by guestblogger on September 3rd, 2010NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.
Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.
We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.
You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army. So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.
So what do I want this week?
The Easy Toothbrush
Before you get all “more hygienic than thou” on your fancy dental high horse, give me a listen.
Brushing your teeth is hard work. I generally don’t do it for just that reason. Just as the wonderful lady in the ad shows, brushing my teeth with that antiquated square brush makes me frowny face. So I’ve taken to sticking my face in an aquarium and letting the plankton take care of any plaque and/or popcorn kernels that are sullying my smile. This also allows me to pretend I’m Nemo, a whale or The Little Mermaid for a few minutes. And who doesn’t like regressing to childhood? And by “childhood” I mean last night when I watched Finding Nemo and The Little Mermaid back-to-back while in my WonderWoman PJs, drinking hot cocoa wine, wedged in between an army of stuffed animals and sobbing softly to myself… why don’t I have a boyfriend?
Whoa …where was I?
Oh, Easy Toothbrush.
So, apparently “major companies have been selling a brush they call a toooooothbrush (the extra emphasis homeboy puts on the “oooo” lets you know he’s serious).” And that just won’t do.
“A square brush for a round mouth!?” That’s crazy talk. And let’s just ignore the fact that Blondie has some kind of bizarre toothbrush with a crazy bent handle and over exaggerates a shit-ton. Commercials are the TRUTH.
With Easy Toothbrush, you get the superiority of design — a ROUND brush for a ROUND mouth. Imagine! (NOTE: the first time I watched this, I heard it as “round brush for a round hole.” That opens up a whole new bucket of opportunity.) And Blondie gives it a nod of approval. So you know it’s good.
For only $14.95 (plus shipping and handling, of course) you get 4 Easy Toothbrushes/a yearly supply.
Is that an either/or statement? Do we get a choice when ordering? I’ll take the yearly supply please. Fuck just 4 of ‘em. I want 52 — a fresh Easy Toothbrush for each week. If I’m going to start brushing my teeth now, I might as well go big, right?
I really think the Easy Toothbrush is the answer to all of my dental needs.
And my other round hole needs.
What? Don’t judge me.
[SugarTits lives in Dallas and has round hole needs. Yikes.]
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Previously on “I want that!”
Tags: advertising, guestblog, guestblogger, infomercials, SugarTits, toothbrush, youtube
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