In This Economy?

Well, it’s official. I’m tired of 3D.

What was once a glorious piece of Hollywood hokum has now become the hottest movie-making (and marketing) crutch since super heroes. It’s sad.

But before I fully poop on 3D let me take a second to state my official stance on the medium:

I’ll always have an appreciation for 3D when it’s done right (haters can hate but Avatar was mind blowing… and worth three extra bucks a ticket), but unfortunately good, proper 3D is becoming more and more rare. Instead we’re getting shit movies like Clash of the Titans and that one where the white kids pretend to be Asian and do Captain Planet stuff that have been turned into 3D at the last minute. Movies like Avatar or any of the Pixar movies are made from the start with 3D in mind and it shows. Movies like those others are made for 2D and then slapped with what is essentially a coat of 3D paint. It’s shit. And it’s a waste of money.

And unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better any time soon.

Below are 5 reasons why I feel the 3D fad has gone sour.

5. Justin Bieber is making a 3D movie

Trust me, I know how stale it is to make fun of the Bieber but I can’t help it. He’s currently planning his first feature film and it’s going to be a 3D concert film/biopic. Yes biopic. Because all the world needs is a fucking biopic of a 16-year old pop star. And a 3D biopic at that. I hope it’s done in a similar biographical style to that John Adams miniseries that was on HBO a while back. That thing was powerful. Can you imagine if that would have been in 3D? Yeah… that would’ve been really awful.

Wait… what am I talking about?

Ah yes, the Biebs. I need a 3D Bieber movie like I need a 3D Jonas Brothers movie. Oh wait… they made one of those already, didn’t they. Shit. Well in that case, I need a 3D Bieber movie like I need a hole in my head.

4. Prescription 3D glasses

There are a few glasses manufacturers that are currently making prescription 3D glasses. Yeah.

I really can’t talk too much shit about this one though because I’m blessed with good vision. I can’t imagine what it must be like for people who have vision problems to not be able to partake in the 3D craze. They’re forced to buy tickets to the regular versions of 3D movies and save a considerable amount of money on each movie trip, which totally sucks. And they’re not left with a splitting headache after seeing a bad 3D movie. They’re really missing out on a lot.

It’s tragic.

Yeah. Next.

3. 3D has become an excuse to make REALLY shitty (and totally unnecessary) sequels

A new dimension of evil! Get it?!

Do we really need a Saw 7? Or a fourth film in the Underworld franchise? What about another Resident Evil movie? And did we really need to Step Up again?

Yeah, the answer on all accounts is a loud and informed “NO.” The simple fact that a fourth Underworld movie is in pre-production is proof that 3D is nothing more than Hollywood’s latest turd-polishing machine. That entire franchise peaked when Kate Beckinsale stripped off her latex “clothes” in the second one, yet somehow they pooped out a third movie that no one saw. And now, somehow, thanks to 3D, a fourth one is being planned. Bleh.

But it’s really the future that is scary on this one. Sure, there are some crap sequels coming now but can you imagine what might be next? National Treasure 3D? I can totally see that happening. Or how about The Fast and The Furious 5: Fastest Furiousest Faster 3D Fast Fast. Can’t you just see some stupid, big-ass car spoiler popping off the screen and into your popcorn? How cool would that be?

And let’s not limit this to only the movies. Last year NBC had to cancel Law and Order, but if 3D TV technology would have been a little farther along they could have pumped some life into the franchise by taking it into the third dimension. Law and Order 3D would have been the bees knees.

The future is filled with so many possibilities… to make shit.

2. That fucking Train song

Speaking of 3D TVs, Samsung started advertising their 3D TVs a few months back and they decided that it would be a good idea to put that obnoxious “Soul Sister” song by Train in their ads. Check it out:

“HEEEEEEEYYYY!!! HEEEEYYY! HEEEEEYYYYY!!! TONIGHT!!!!”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, TRAIN SINGER/MOANER GUY!!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

I’m not going to buy a 3D TV because 3D is a fad and I don’t want to wear glasses in my house while I watch Breaking Bad. And now I’m especially not going to buy a Samsung 3D TV because that song is like an ear disease.

1. Phish made a 3D movie

Look at these idiots:

If they’re not evidence that 3D has gone sour, then I don’t know what is.

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So, in summation, I am not saying that 3D needs to be destroyed, just scaled back down to the gimmick that it is. It’s not the future of entertainment, it’s a fun diversion from a typical movie-watching experience that, when done well (which is rare), can be fun and exciting.

I don’t want it to go away, I just want everyone to chill out about it a little bit.

Aaaaaand… I think that’s all I got.

Tags: 3D, Justin Bieber, movies, scam, shitty movies

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 at 9:14 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.