Holy Horsepoo: The Rev. Peter Popoff
Posted by SurlyZ on August 23rd, 2010
Please give. All proceeds go to black hair dye. As is God's will.
My bosses at ITE are really hoping I don’t start a series called “Holy Horseshit” wherein I profile snake-oil salesman of all religions and even go undercover at monstrosities like the upcoming First Baptist Dallas temple of opulent doom. But I cry a lot when I don’t get my way, and it’s embarrassing for everyone. Soooo…. here we go.
The power of Popoff
Do you have crippling credit card debt? Has the bank threatened to send hired goons to extract car or mortgage payments from you by any means necessary? Are you still paying your student loans even though your degree didn’t get you the career you wanted so you think you should get a full refund? (Damn you, journalism school!)
Well, fret no more! Your prayers have been answered. Literally.
Peter Popoff is the hilariously named evangelist who was best known in the 70s and 80s for being a vessel through which God spoke and healed the infirm. Except that God turned out to be his wife feeding him names and other info through his earpiece. This technique was meticulously recreated in the muckraking documentary “Fletch Lives.”
And the infirm were often made to look more infirm than they were, so when they, for instance, stood up from a wheelchair, it wasn’t so much a miracle as it was Popoff’s people unnecessarily seating fully ambulatory attendees in those wheelchairs when they arrived at Popoff’s house of lies. That scam was documented in the “Fletch Lives” sequel “Leap of Faith.”
But what a racket!
Water is thicker than debt
After some godless heathen exposed Popoff as a fraud (see video below), he went bankrupt and retreated to the open arms of late-night TV where he preached the same fake gospel to people in real need. And now he’s back… to let you know… he can really shake ‘em down. For everything they’re worth.
Introducing Miracle Spring Water (and Debt Cancellation Kit, featuring the Anointed Faith Tool, which looks like a little Martian Jesus). It’s the miracle that washes away financial trouble and replaces it with financial trouble plus a bottle of water.
All you have to do is follow Popoff’s instructions on how to use the water, whatever those instructions may be, and God will produce however much money you need. He doesn’t explain where God gets the money. If He gets it the way Popoff does, He shamelessly cons the dumb and desperate.
See, the best part is that if you send in your prayer and receive your water, you’ll be bombarded with letters from Popoff begging for money—even before the miracle water has a chance to do its stuff! And from what I can tell, he spends all his income on hair dye. I’m not sure why he doesn’t use his own Miracle Spring Water to get rich. Unless the miracles he speaks of are just part of a pyramid scheme. In which case, I’ve performed a few miracles my goddamn self.
Personally, I would wait until I actually had miracle money to waste before I wasted it on Popoff. I will, however, waste Popoff’s money by frequently calling his 800 number and returning his postage-paid donation forms (sans donations). I suggest you do the same.
I just hope he’s buried in a public place when he dies, so I can dance on his grave and anoint it with my own brand of Miracle Spring Urine.
Tags: con artist, evangelist, God, healer, Joel Osteen, liar, Miracle Spring Water, Peter Popoff, scam