“I want that!” — Seat Solution

Posted by guestblogger on August 6th, 2010

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.

Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.

We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.

You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army.  So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.

So what do I want this week?

Seat Solution

Look. I’m a vegetarian. Which means I eat a lot of green veggies. Which means I’m usually gassy. Which means I have to fart. All the time.

I’m thinking I can use the foam beauty seen above (originally intended for lumbar support or some such shit) to allow my ass to freely express itself. And by “freely express itself” I, of course, mean break wind.

Note: Growing up, my crazy mother wouldn’t allow my sisters and I to say “fart.” We had to say “toot” or “pass gas” or, my personal favorite, “fluff.” True story. Why am I telling you this? To explain my absolute love of the word “fart.” FART. FART FART FART FARTY FART.

Anywhoo…

Think about it. With this wedge of foam, I won’t have to do the lean or inconspicuously readjust to fart sans noise. Nope. I’ll be able to freely fart with the strategically placed ass carving.

The "Breathable Fabric" is a plus...

Problems I foresee:

  • Getting fart stage fright
  • Farting too freely
  • The unfortunate stench that the pad will inevitably develop
  • Looking like a jackass sitting on the Seat Solution
  • My bowels exploding

While I can’t believe i just wrote about farting, I’m really excited about my fart-friendly Seat Solution.

And here’s your fair warning: Stay away from my cubicle.

[SugarTits lives in Dallas and will fart on you if you cross her.]

–

Previously on “I want that!”

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 6th, 2010 at 12:02 AM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to ““I want that!” — Seat Solution”

  1. T'tip
    August 6th, 2010

    I’m pretty sure that girls don’t fart.

  2. drocolate
    August 6th, 2010

    This may be the most useless product ever. It’s like a modified pizza box you’re supposed to sit on for back support. Weak sauce.

    Great work dialing up the farting benefit, ST. That’s how you polish a turd.

  3. Tweets that mention “I want that!” — Seat Solution | In This Economy? -- Topsy.com
    August 6th, 2010

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ITE? and Derek, SugarTits. SugarTits said: I'm dainty as a GD butterfly. Who farts.. http://in-this-economy.com/2010/08/06/i-want-that-%E2%80%94-seat-solution/ [...]

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