“I want that!” — FUSHIGI
Posted by guestblogger on July 30th, 2010NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.
Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.
We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.
You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army. So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.
So what do I want this week?
FUSHIGI
IT’S FUSHIGI!
Sometimes there are products in these glorious infomercials that make me sad for lazy ass Americans. And other times there are products that make me proud to be one of these lazy ass Americans. And then sometimes, there are products that make me cringe. Not necessarily due to the piece of plastic shit they’re shilling, but for those doing that shilling (shillers?).
Case in point:
I actually saw this gem on TV late the other night after an episode of So You Think You Can Dance and some shittastic Lifetime movie. Don’t judge my late night TV selection. Just don’t.
You know, I’ve been meaning to brush up on my court jester skills for this year’s Ren Fair, and this little metal gyro ball may be just the thing. I’ll throw on a sorcerer’s robe, grab my bejeweled walking stick and my brand new FUSHIGI and be the hit of the court.
But… I think I’ll need a lot of practice.
I mean look at the top-notch talent demoing the product (like ponytail boy above). These specimens probably haven’t left their mother’s basements for years, had sex with any breathing humans (what up, necrophilia?) or made any friends outside of their Pentium processors.
So goodbye world. I’m locking myself in my room at mom and dad’s (which will hence forth be know as SugarTit’s FUSHIGI Lair) to work on some slight of hand creepy ass magic shit.
Yeah, I said it. Magicians are creepy. Unless you’re Neil Patrick Harris or Gob. Then you’re awesome. But only then.
“It floats. It levitates. It will confuse the senses.”
And oh my God does it ever!
Maybe one of the best things about the FUSHIGI is the creepy tutorial videos on the site. My personal favorite? The WOW Master teaching us how to do the “Wiper.” He suggests at one point that his students use a “Vulcan” cradle, and then tells us to “Live long and prosper.”
And the kicker?
It’s JUST A GODDAMN BALL! So please tell me why I have to pay $20 for a silver ball encased in some kind of clear plastic? I can wrap my grandfather’s balls in saran wrap and get the same basic thing for free.
Yeah, maybe I don’t really want this after all.
[SugarTits lives in Dallas and sometimes dabbles in wizardry.]
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Previously on “I want that!”
Tags: ballsy, guestblog, guestblogger, nerds, SugarTits
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ITE? and rachcreative, SugarTits. SugarTits said: it's FUSHIGI! http://in-this-economy.com/2010/07/30/i-want-that-%E2%80%94-fushigi/ [...]
You the 16-year-old who gets this from his grandma is going to be so happy. I’m going to go tell off my grandma for not buying me one.
David Bowie rocks one of these in the ANDRO way in the movie Labyrinth. I just saw that movie with my kids and wondered what alien technology allowed David Bowie to play with his balls that way. Now I know… THANKS ITE!
[...] FUSHIGI [...]