In This Economy?

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.

Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.

We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.

You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army.  So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.

So what do I want this week?

Cami Secret

That’s right. I want a mother-effing Cami Secret.

Because sometimes my big ol’ ya yas need to be hidden.

At work (or at least my office 9-5) I tend to be a bit more demure, and make sure the ponies stay in their stables. Typically, I’ll shove them into a turtleneck, crew neck, dickey, hide them with a cravat, suit of armor, or triple bag them in bra, sports bra and Victorian chastity bra (huh?). But there are days when mama needs a cami (tank top to you dudes) to make a shirt office appropriate.

But according to Cami Secret, regular camis are the devil.

I’ve never seen anyone struggle with an undershirt as much as this bitch:

Apparently it’s a problem. And as a big-boobied lady, I feel like it’s a problem I should know about. To think I’ve been living my life being dragged down by ruthless, suffocating camis. But now… FREEDOM in six different colors.

What an amazing product! It lets me keep my jumbo jets in check while adding a dash of color to an otherwise bland blouse (eww… blouse. Sounds like a top my mother would buy for me and then insist I wear it to Grammy’s 95th birthday party). And let’s not overlook the fact that I can adjust this magnificent triangle of cloth to take my top from mildly skanky to semi-normal to 40-year-old-virgin all the way to Amish.

This is all seemingly great, so I’ll totally ignore the voice of reason (and basic physics) when it questions the staying power of a triangle of fabric only attached by a hook at the top two corners. What if my cleavage sucks the bottom corner into its cushy abyss? Then I’m left with this weird bit of fabric wedged in between my titties.

But whatever.

I want one anyway.

[SugarTits lives in Dallas and has Double D's.]

Tags: breasts, Cami Secret, guestblog, guestblogger, infomercials, SugarTits

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 4:07 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.