In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Today’s shithead may be the most amazing shithead of all time. Seriously. I can hardly contain myself.

Travis L. Wright AKA King Candwich

Ok, I’ll admit it. I’m fully stealing this one from Stephen Colbert. He got to this story first but it was just too good to NOT report here at ITE?. And since more people are currently watching Daniel Tosh than Mr. Colbert (which is really shocking to me), I assume a lot of you haven’t heard about this at all… which is a crime because it’s soooo amazing.

So what is it then? What did Mr. Wright do to earn shithead status?

Well, let’s just start at the beginning.

A brief history of sandwiches (Yes, sandwiches)…

No one knows for sure when the first ever sandwich was crafted but there is evidence of sandwich(ish) meals being crafted all the way back to ancient times. In the 18th century the aptly titled John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, became the lunch standard’s namesake after he consistently demanded “meat tucked between two pieces of bread” from his servants. From there the name caught on and eventually made it’s way to America in the early 20th century. Since then the Americans have taken the art of sandwich construction to a new level, using unparalleled levels of creativity to build bigger and better sandwiches.

In recent decades however, the craft of sandwich making has hit a bit of a creative rut, with newly created sandwiches focusing more on flash as opposed to overall deliciousness (I’m looking at you, KFC Double Down).

This rut is exactly where Travis L. Wright enters our story.

Travis L. Wright…

Mr. Wright is a Utah-based money manager that was recently accused by the SEC of taking $145 million of his investors money and lying about where that money had been invested. Mr. Wright claimed the money was in real estate, and promised returns of up to 24%. The SEC instead claims that the money was used to back something called the Candwich.

Yes, the Candwich.

That is exactly what it sounds like. It is a sandwich. In a can. A Candwich.

So just to reiterate, this dude took $145 million of investors money and (allegedly) funneled it into a sandwich in a fucking can. Now you may be asking why would anyone EVER want to invest in something as completely inept as a sandwich in a can but just look at the flavors!

• PBJ STRAWBERRY! YUM!
• PBJ GRAPE! GRAPEY!
• BBQ CHICKEN! Oh my God I think I’m gonna puke…

And in addition to those flavors there were also lofty goals of shoving a pepperoni pizza pocket and french toast into a can. HUH?!?! Wow.

But the brilliance of the Candwich does not end there. Oh no, my friends, there is more.

Look closer…

If you look at this image of the three candwich cans and focus on the left corner of the two PBJ cans you’ll see a yellow circle.

Let me blow it up for you:

Yeah. That’s really pixelated. In case you can’t make it out, it says “Candy Surprise Inside.”

Whoa.

What the hell kind of candy surprise can be in my BBQ chicken Candwich? Is it a wrapped Andes mint to help me un-barf-ify my breath after eating a BBQ chicken Candwich? Is it a single loose Werther’s Original? Is it a stick of Juicy Fruit gum? Is it something IN the sandwich itself? Like a chocolatey center?

“Mommy, what’s this brown goo in the middle of my canned BBQ chicken sandwich?”

“Oh honey, that’s just your candy surprise!”

*BARF TOWN*

So to sum up…

The Candwich is an abomination. There is no other way to say it. And the fact that Travis L. Wright felt that it was such a strong investment that he needed to STEAL money to support it makes him an idiot worthy of several shithead trading cards.

Now it should be noted that Mr. Wright also invested some of the misappropriated money into a company that sold watches over the Internet (sketchy but not nearly as bad as fucking french toast in a can) and a company that prints greeting card sentiments on rose petals (yeah, that’s really stupid but still not Candwich stupid).

But in the end I’m sure his heart was only really in the Candwich. I assume Travis L. Wright is simply a man hell bent on breaking our country out of the current sandwich rut. I’m sure he’s a pioneer for sandwich innovation that would stop at nothing to push the boundaries of traditional sandwiching. He’s basically, like, the Bill Gates of sandwiches.

Or… he’s just a total fucking idiot.

Yeah, it’s probably the latter.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go puke up the rest of my non-Candwich dinner. BBQ chicken in a can! C’MON!

Oh, and just for the record, I couldn’t find any photos of Mr. Wright on the Interwebs so I made my own. He does not actually have a giant Candwich can for a head.

Ok, that’s it.

Get your Travis L. Wright shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #14: Sue Lowden
• #13: Pankaj Joshi
• #12: Keith Bardwell
• #11: Carolyn Towns
• #10: Angelo Mozilo
• #9: Teresa Tambunting
• #8: Marcus Schrenker
• #7: The AIG 73
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: Candwich, fucking charlatans, idiots, Shithead Trading Cards

This entry was posted on Monday, July 19th, 2010 at 8:47 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.