In This Economy?

Not that long ago it was pretty normal for people to get a job with one company and stay there for an entire career. My father, for example, has worked for the same company for forty-something years and will retire one day as a work monogamist. One work mate his entire career.

Now let’s fast forward to today. The idea of workplace monogamy is extinct. These days people change jobs every few years in search of better opportunities, larger paydays and bigger breasts. Wait… what am I talking about?

In all seriousness though, knowing the proper way to quit a job is an integral part of surviving in the working world these days, so ITE? is here to help. If you’re thinking about jumping ship for a bigger and better gig elsewhere just follow these easily laid out instructions to make sure the bridge you leave behind is anything but burned.

Ok, let’s get into it.

1. Always give two weeks notice.

Hopefully this one seems like a no-brainer, but surprisingly it doesn’t always happen the way it should. If you get a new job you’ll probably be super excited and want to start it immediately, but you need to give your current employer AT LEAST 2 weeks to make arrangements to replace everything you’ve been bringing to the table. It’s the most simple courtesy you can give.

ACTION TIP: When discussing the new job with your new employer, make sure to make it clear that you will need to give your former employer at least 2 weeks notice. If you state this upfront it should not be a problem.

2. Control the flow of information.

Tell your immediate boss in person and then ask them the best course of action for informing fellow team members and coworkers. People can sometimes feel betrayed if they hear about someone’s departure from anyone other than the person departing, so do everything you can to get the word out in a quick and orderly manner. Don’t let it be a rumor that turns out to be true. Get in front of it.

ACTION TIP: After discussing strategy with your boss, a quick email to direct team members can be a nice way to spread the word in a respectful manner.

3. Tell your coworkers what you think of them.

Have you ever heard the theory that ghosts are just dead people who had unfinished business in their lives? Well, leaving a workplace can be kind of like dying in that place, and you don’t want to be a work ghost. What I’m saying is that if you have some unfinished business with some of your coworkers make sure to finish it.

If you think the girl who sits two cubes down has a “great ass,” you should tell her. She’ll appreciate the feedback. And if you think your boss is a “total fucking dickhead that couldn’t manage his/her way out of a paper bag and probably has herpes from all the crotches he’s/she’s been snuggling up with,” then tell them! They’ll never know how you feel if you keep it bottled up! And they’ll never be able to grow as an employee if they don’t hear your thoughts.

ACTION TIP: When telling a coworker what you think of them use expletives to make feedback more powerful. “I always wanted to strangle you in meetings” is not nearly as powerful as “I always wanted to fucking strangle you in meetings.” And since this feedback is meant to help the remaining coworker out, the more powerful it is the better.

4. Give your coworkers something to remember you by.

Losing a beloved coworker can be really hard, so to soften that blow it is sometimes a good idea to hand out some sort of forget-me-not to your soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. Baking cupcakes filled with chocolate chips, fire ants and glass shards is one easy (and yummy!) way to say goodbye. Also, nothing ever says “I will never forget you guys” better than a well timed upper-decker.

What’s an upper-decker you ask?

Well, for those of you who aren’t UD vets, it’s the act of taking a poop in the toilet tank portion of the toilet as opposed to the bowl. It’s a true classic, and your coworkers will never forget you if you execute it just right.

ACTION TIP: Don’t go too far when handing out a memento. No one wants some stupid homemade macaroni art bullshit. Make it something small but meaningful. Baked goods and items that relate back to an inside joke are always a great idea.

5. Take DNA samples of your favorite coworkers with you so that you can reproduce them in a dystopian future society of clones and other crazy sci-fi shit.

It’s the year 2010, and in ten years it will be the year 2020. I have to assume that by then human cloning will be fully accepted so why not get ahead of the game and start stockpiling DNA samples of some of your favorite coworkers now so that you can work with them again in a fully cloned-out mega office of your creation.

It’s really simple.

Just get some hair, or some skin, or some blood, or a lot of blood, or even some semen from your favorite coworkers and store it until cloning technology catches up. When it does, defrost all that shit and hatch some new productive copies of your old productive buddies. YEAH! SCIENCE!

ACTION TIP: Syringes can be VERY obvious, so only use them to retrieve samples if you see no other way.

–

And that’s it. If you follow those 5 simple steps you’ll be well on your way to leaving an unburned bridge behind you. You’ll have given your former employer the respect they always gave you, and really that’s what it’s all about — respect.

Now get out there and chase your dreams!

Tags: how-to, terrible job advice, work

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 at 8:46 PM and is filed under Good News, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.