In This Economy?

I can now protect myself as long as all assailants are limbless albinos.

“I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.”
—Homer Simpson

Each year I struggle to come up with a new way to celebrate American Independence. In 2000, you might have seen me naked, painted scalp to toe in red, white and blue as the authorities escorted me out of Luby’s. In 2001, it was Cracker Barrel. 2002: Shoney’s. And 2002–2009: nothing but Luby’s.

This year, with so many Luby’s shuttered, I was feeling desperate. That’s when it hit me: What do Americans do when they feel desperate? They get a gun and shoot the fuck out of stuff.

So that’s what I did.

READY!

Every day to and fro(m) work I drive by the DFW Gun Range. I’m from Texas, so it’s not like I’ve never shot a gun. Growing up we used them to trim our toenails, and if you think that didn’t take good aim, you’re forcing me to tell you I just made that up.

It’s been 10 years since the last time I gripped such a rigid weapon and shot all over a target. And it’s been 20 years since the last time I shot a gun. So with July 4th on the horizon and the most recent Supreme Court ruling on guns, I decided to explore my constitutional right to bear arms.

I signed up and paid for an introductory class at the gun range knowing that ITE would pick up the expense (RIGHT???).

When I arrived, I saw several things that came as no surprise: guns, knives, flat-screen tuned into SPIKE TV. And I saw at least one thing that came as a mild surprise: a rack of “tactical covert” khaki pants. Sure. Why not?

They also subscribed to America’s 1st Freedom, the NRA magazine that couldn’t be more predictable. Covers featuring enemies of freedom like Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Al Gore; ads for weapons the average citizen could probably use to destroy the moon; and the requisite interview with Ted Nugent.

[ACTUAL QUOTE FROM TED NUGENT: "I'm not exaggerating... I can't walk 10 steps in America without someone saying, "Hey, Uncle Ted. God bless the NRA."]

The instructor (for privacy and out of respect, let’s call him “The Instructor”) found me in the lobby, and we went to the classroom. It turned out to be a one-on-one class, which makes sense because you don’t want to worry about a bunch of yahoos in a beginner’s gun class thinking they’re going to be the next Chow Yun-Fat. I, on the other hand, KNOW I’m going be the next Chow Yun-Fat. (Two guns, please!)

AIM!

We went over the basics of shooting: Always treat a gun as if it’s loaded; don’t point at anything you’re not willing to destroy; and… uhhh… well, there were a couple others that if you don’t follow, you’ll surely kill a generation of children, but I can’t remember what they were. Sorry, next generation of children.

After showing me the proper stance, grip and discipline required to properly and safely use a firearm, The Instructor led me to the range. Our four weapons of choice were all 9mm guns: Glock 17, Glock 19, HK USP, SIG SAUER P229 (which my dumb pansy brain heard as “Six-Hour P229″).

Speaking of being a pansy, guns are loud. Despite the ear muffs I wore once inside the range, I jumped every time a gun went off. The ear muffs weren’t muffing enough for my taste (if I could taste with my ears). So my hands were shaking as I loaded the clips and raised the guns to aim.

At one point, The Instructor said, “C’mon. We’re all big boys who’ve been around loud noises before. The last time I saw shaking like that was in California because of the San Andreas Fault.” This shot at my masculinity worked. I ran crying to the men’s room, called my mommy on my cell phone and came back confident and reassured. Just kidding. My mom is dead.

FIRE!

I never quite attained the desensitized coolness of Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now, but I got most of my jumpiness under control. Enough so to achieve some decent grouping in my shots.

The Instructor praised my technique, which was just me following his top-notch instructions because the last place I’m going to act like my usual jackass self is in a room full of loaded guns. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to act one’s age… [AHEM] Mel Gibson.

I really don’t know what else to day. I went in thinking I could get a funny article out of this class but quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen. This was a professional and safe experience, and I treated the whole thing with the reverence required in a place where mistakes aren’t and shouldn’t be tolerated. Besides, I don’t have anything against guns or the Second Amendment. I do believe that the NRA misinterprets what the Founding Fathers intended and that there should be extensive restrictions on gun ownership. And I don’t buy the theory that if everyone has a gun, there will be less gun violence. But that’s an argument for another time.

This is about celebrating America’s birth. Sure, shooting a sheet of paper might seem like a strange way to celebrate. But keep in mind that the whole time I was there, I was naked and painted red, white and blue.

THE END

Oh, wait! I just remembered something funny about guns!

Tags: 4th of July, America Fuck Yeah, God's country, guns, patriotism, Second Amendment, ted nugent

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 4th, 2010 at 1:53 PM and is filed under Human Encounters, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.