The folks who brought us Sex and the City The Movie dropped a giant TWOSIE on audiences across America a couple weeks ago.

Sex and the City, the television show, was a much-celebrated guilty pleasure shared among the females in my household growing up. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show, it basically revolves around four friends who all live in Manhattan. They’re bound by the bonds of BFF, being relationship-retarded at times, being successful business women some of the time, living beyond what most would consider reasonable means most of the time, and it’s all topped off with a lovely little touch of soft-core porn.

I must admit, when the show was cancelled it was my first brush with sitcom withdrawal. I figure it must have been what folks felt after their beloved LOST came to an end. Yeah, I said that.

And yet again, I must admit that when there was chatter about a feature film called Sex and the City, I was a tad skeptical and at the same time visibly giddy.

I also must admit that as I write this on my sleek laptop, I kind of feel like a (much younger) Carrie Bradshaw, typing away, blissfully certain that everyone must give a shit about what I think.

Well that can’t be helped, because I write for this blog and you don’t.

Let’s get back to the point.

I saw the first SATC in the theater with those same aforementioned female family members. It was glamorous, gorgeous and I loved how all the characters I so missed had grown up into stylish women and men who looked better than ever and full of life. The fashion, the city, the music—it was all over-the-top, in a good way. But that’s where my praise ends, because the whole amazing-wedding-that’s-finally-happening-only-to-be-left-at-the-alter horror story left a nauseous pit in my stomach that remained there for the rest of the film. It wasn’t classic Carrie and Big, it was an asshole shitting on a girl and us watching her life crumble. Not. Awesome. Oh, and News Flash: marrying that asshole doesn’t make him less of an asshole.

When it came time to watch Sex and the City 2, I didn’t exactly have high hopes for quality of storyline or script. In fact, I had read some early critiques and figured for sure it would suck. But pretty people, fashion and far away lands was enough to convince me to venture out and see it with my same companions.

Nausea, honestly, would have been a welcome feeling after about 20 minute of this film. The dialogue, story line and humorless jokes were only the tip of the shit-iceberg. My thoughts might be best expressed in list form. Let the rant begin!

The top 6 reasons why Sex and the City 2 was a shit sandwich disguised as a movie.

#1 IT’S NOT FUCKING SEXY.

I love me some sexy, naked, dirty, hotness as much as the next chick. And according to the title, history and basically the entire sales pitch behind the entire SATC empire, this shit should—without exception—be sexy. There should be some soft core, some dick jokes or some dildos, some heavy petting and even some vagina-talk. Yet in this sequel, most of the sex talk revolves around… menopause. And I don’t care who you are, a dried up nether region is SO. NOT. SEXY. Sure, the returning Aiden character is sexy as hell, but it’s wrought with un-sexy infidelity, and that’s just a boner-killer.

#2 IT’S NOT EVEN IN THE CITY.

photo credit: filmofilia.com

About 20 minutes of the whole shebang is located in the actual city of New York, and even when they’re in fabulous “Abu Dhabi” they’re not located in that actual place either. They’re in Morocco. The whole CITY thing is a lie, just like the whole SEX thing. All we’re left with is AND THE. And what kind of fucking movie is that??!

#3 THIS IS WHY THEY HATE US.

"OMG other cultures are so effing hilarious!"

This is the biggie for me. And yes I know it’s controversial. But I thought it was the giant black cloud above the film pissing all over the entire thing. Since seeing the film I have often been found shaking my head, trying to put into words the embarrassment I felt while watching these women attempt to discuss feminist mores in a culture they have no clue about, openly insult the people in the country in which they are guests, and blatantly flaunt their sexuality with complete and total disregard for the fact that not everyone is an American, nor does everyone have the same opinion/belief/understanding that they do about the female members of society. When you’re a guest in someone’s home do you spank their kids just because that’s what you would do in your home? No, because you’re not an asshole. I honestly think the people who made this movie, wrote this movie and allowed this movie to be released are assholes. If all they cared about was ticket sales they could have done that—no problem—with a lot less outright insensitivity regarding the American appearance to the outside world.  The whole, “I’m American and everyone should think about everything how I think about everything” idea is ridiculous, ignorant, rude and gross. Okay, I’ll stop now before I give myself a hernia.

#4 LIZA’S “SINGLE LADIES”

photo credit: mosuniverse.com

I have to admit that with how much this movie blew, Liza Minelli’s cameo was marginally amusing, and her rendition of the oft-imitated Beyonce hit wasn’t nearly as bad as I assumed it would be. That aside, the fucking song is stuck in my head like a brush with the infamous Rick Roll. In fact, I’m thinking they are actually each other’s cure. I dare you to try that little experiment without some sort of ear-bleeding.

#5 THE CLAPPING. OH LORD, THE CLAPPING.

It seemed every time something particularly offensive, disgusting, or frightfully punny was said, it seemed the entire audience felt the need to applaud. They practically delighted in these grand displays of cuntery. Yeah, I’m making that word up. Mostly because I’m not a fan of the four-letter version myself. After the very quotable-for-all-the-wrong-reasons “Lawrence of my Labia” was uttered, laughter and applause broke out in orgasmic glee. I literally sat up and looked around with what must have been a look of utter shock upon my face. SERIOUSLY?!?!  It was like a modern-day Twilight Zone episode. Seriously.

And finally…

#6  IN THIS ECONOMY??!?!

I mean, I like fashion. I like shopping, designer clothes, big gay weddings, and all of that good old-fashioned materialism to some extent. But seriously—four Maybachs?! Personal butlers?! $20,000 per night hotel suite?! Rumor has it that a million dollars was the price tag on the wardrobe alone for this embarrassing expression of American ignorance. I understand that fashion plays a huge part in the Sex and the City franchise. But do the girls really need two wardrobe changes PER SCENE?! It was more distracting than anything else, and it’s just insensitive, with everything that’s going on in the toilet we call an economy.  It’s not escapism, either, because it’s just too fucking ridiculous and un-relatable. The only thing I wanted to escape from —was the plushy seat at my local AMC.

So yeah, I made the mistake of paying like $15 for this mistake-of-a-movie that hardly anyone liked. And yeah, I knew better. But now you REALLY know better. (As if any of you were really considering seeing this anyway.)

To put this another way, if I were a dude, and my lady asked me to put my Man Card on hold for an evening and go see this with her as the ultimate grand gesture of gentlemenlyness, I would slap that bitch and tell her “Hell no, woman!”

C U Next Tuesday, Kim.

And that act of misogynistic abuse would be less offensive to women than this film was. Seriously.

In conclusion, I want my money back.

And I kinda want to punch Kim Cattrall in the face, too.

Care to disagree with me, sexy people? I would LOVE to hear all about it below in the comments below.

And feel free to follow me on Twitter. It’s fun.

Tags: Abu Dhabi, burqa, economy, New York, offensive, recession, sex and the city 2, twosie, waste of money

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 at 2:17 PM and is filed under Bad News, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.