WASTE OF MONEY: The Karate Kid
Posted by drocolate on June 1st, 2010It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.
Today I’m going to rant pointlessly about:
The Karate Kid
The summer movie season is in full swing. We’ve got a new Iron Man, and yet another Shrek movie, and Photoshop Disaster: The Movie (otherwise known as the Sex and the City sequel). All this unoriginal content is being pumped out week after week and you know what? I don’t really mind.
In fact, there is really only one movie on the summer movie schedule that raises a major red flag for me and that movie is the new Karate Kid.
Let me explain why.
1. Jackie Chan sucks. Big time.
I used to love Jackie Chan. I used to think his karate-dude-who-does-all-his-own-stunts-and-always-puts-a-lame-gag-reel-on-the-end-of-all-his-movies gimmick was so awesome. I also used to be 12 years old. I think Jackie Chan is like that Ice Cream of the Future shit you see in the mall. When you’re a kid, it’s incredibly awesome, but then you grow up and realize that it’s really just a one-note Asian dude who basically phones in every performance he gives. Wait, what?
Let’s take a quick glance at Jackie’s IMDB profile and examine his recent career moves.
- He recently starred in a movie called The Spy Next Door as a character named Bob Ho. Bob Ho? Really? CRAP.
- Remember that movie he did with Jet Li? The Forbidden Kingdom? Yeah, I really don’t either. His character’s name in that one was Old Hop. Huh? CRAP.
- He was in a movie called The Medallion which centered around a… wait for it… medallion that gave his character (who was named Eddie Yang) special powers. I can’t believe I missed this one. I was probably too busy watching…
- …The Tuxedo on DVD. Remember that shit pile? It was the movie that FINALLY paired two of our greatest talents — Jackie and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts — into one completely forgettable film. Oh, and his character’s name was Jimmy Tong. CRAP CRAP CRAP.
I could go on but I don’t want to pile on. All I’m saying is that this dude hasn’t made a solid American film in years (and yes, I am throwing the Rush Hour movies into that mix… the first one was kind of good, the second kind of bad, and the third one was a wholegrain shit sandwich), but for some reason he was selected to reprise the iconic role of the mysterious mentor in this new Karate Kid retread. Are there no other Asian actors? Could we not just get Jake Gyllenhaal to do it? He can play Persian so why not Chinese.
Yes, Chinese. Which brings me to point number two.
2. The creators are trying to make it seem like this is a totally different movie.
This one takes place in China , not America (or in the case of KKII, Japan). Our karate boy is much younger and African American. Our wise old mentor dude is named Mr. Han, not Mr. Miyagi. And he has a shitty, dirt-on-his-lip mustache, not a full-on, sweet ass power goat. It’s, like, a totally different movie.
Yeah, bullshit.
If you’re going to blatantly copy something, be blatant about it. Don’t try to put Mr. Miyagi in some different clothes and sell him as something new. If there isn’t any crane kicking in this new one I hope audiences boo the shit out of it. For real. Just watch this:
That’s good shit.
Sidenote: I love that in the end it all comes down to a big ass trophy. So ridiculous. And awesome.
Moving on.
3. Music.
Yeah, that’s right, music. The original Karate Kid gave us this gem:
God bless you, Joe Esposito. It doesn’t get much more inspirational than this.
Oh wait… it does?
Enter Peter Cetera with his Karate Kid II magic:
GAH! TOO FUCKING STRONG FOR WORDS! LARUSSO! KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR! DOJOS! OVERBLOWN HAND GESTURES! GAH!
So what’s the point here? Well, the point is to sit back and get totally pumped up listening to radical hit music. Oh, and also that the Karate Kid movies gave us two of the most cheese-tastic songs in recorded history. So, with that in mind, there is a lot of pressure for this new one to deliver.
So what’s it got?
Well, it’s got a Justin Bieber song.
Sigh.
I rest my case.
This new Karate Kid movie needs to unmake itself. Please.
Save your money and see something worth a damn this summer. Like Inception. or Scott Pilgrim. Or just rent one of the originals and worship at the feet of the true master, Mr. Miyagi.
Wax on, bitches. Wax on.
--
Previously on Waste of Money:
- Hot Pockets Side Shots
- Heidi Montag’s Face
- YuleCon 2009 and Other Anime/Manga Conventions
- The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
- Halloween Costumes That Accentuate Your Penis
- LivePrayer.com Birther Contributions
- Personal Urns from Cremation Solutions
- Axe Body Spray
- Olive Garden
- Creed Concert Tickets
- Harem Pants
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine
- Creed’s New Album
- Rollerblades
- The Beatles Remastered Catalog
- George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
- Fast & Furious
- Snugglette
- Truck Nuts
Tags: Hollywood, idiots, Jackie Chan, karate, movies, shitty movies, waste of money, youtube
I will go to bat for pre-America Jackie Chan. During my college years, he was the comic relief to John Woo’s bad-ass balletic bloodbaths.
BUT!!!! Jackie Chan does kung fu not karate And this movie is set in China not Japan. And they’re still calling it The Karate Kid.
Prediction: worst movie ever.
The Kung Fu Kid just sounds ridiculous…
But yes. Worst movie ever.
[...] but don’t worry, I’m not going to stop being nasty… just look at the Karate Kid piece I wrote this [...]
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by rondostar, ITE?, Derek, Z, Ashley Estrello and others. Ashley Estrello said: Im excited to see that with the kids. RT @inthiseconomy: WASTE OF MONEY: The new Karate Kid movie — http://bit.ly/c0KG0k [...]
[...] was a momentous day in my blogging career. I posted my 300th (and 301st… I was on a roll) articles to in-this-economy.com, the site I helped give birth to [...]
You all are a bunch of fucken haters. If you actually saw the movie it was great and this is coming from a grown ass woman. Yeah african american lead actor, african american producers ranked in $56 million the first week. So go jump off the bridge and kill yourselves!
Kill ourselves? Isn’t that a bit severe?
Lisa, you’ll be glad to know that they’re already planning for a sequel so all the people like you who went out and spent your hard-earned money on this retread will have something else to waste it on in about 2 years.
YAY!
Oh, and thanks for reading.
What does being an ass woman have to do with anything? This isn’t a dating website.
(Call me!)
[...] at ITE? we’ve been writing about things that we feel are a WASTE OF MONEY for months now, so it only made sense to take a look at the other end of the spectrum in the [...]
[...] at ITE? we’ve been writing about things that we feel are a WASTE OF MONEY for ages now, so it only made sense to take a look at the other end of the spectrum in the [...]