In This Economy?

Ah yes, the Midday Dash to NeimanMarcus.com. I know it well.

WAIT. You don’t know what the Midday Dash is? Jesus—are you a hobo or something? I suppose I can explain. I’ll just close my eyes and pretend I’m talking to my housekeeper, Louisa:

If you’re not a stupid hobo, you’re signed up for Neiman Marcus emails through your computer. Usually, you receive emails where they tell you about the latest resort collection from DVF. BUT! Occasionally, and by occasionally I mean once per week, you receive the best kind of Neiman Marcus email of all — the Midday Dash! It’s when you get a couple hours notice of an online sale that lasts from precisely 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. During this exciting 120 minutes, you can purchase NeimanMarcus.com goods at a fraction of their regularly scheduled astonishingly high prices!

Now that we’ve been educated, here’s what today’s Midday Dash had to offer me. It was RICH with awesomeness.

*NOTE: I began this post at 1:42 p.m. (OBVIOUSLY after I pillaged the site for its specially-priced wares myself) Therefore, the deals outlined below are no longer valid. Sorry folks!

*NOTE #2: ITE owns no part of the images below. Our claims about their opulent ridiculousness are our own. Please don’t sue us, Mr. Marcus.

Let’s start in the bathtub, shall we?

If you weren’t a silly, stupid homeless person you’d know what rich folks’ kids play with in the bath. Here’s an excellent example. And here’s a tip: take a shower, you stinky hobo! And another thing people don’t know about rich folks: their hands get hot and need to be cooled by chilly, glistening crystal. Handling all that money, travelers checks and credit cards gets really warm. Duh.

Next!

Even Rich People’s Trash Ain’t Dirty!

I bet YOU put YOUR trash in a can! What are you, some type of animal?! People of taste and culture put their discarded items (last season’s Marc Jacobs handbags, furs that have lost their fluff, 6-month old iPods, etc.) in “holders” such as the picturesque one pictured above.

Daum! Athena Objet

OMGoddess! 50% off!!!

See, when you’re rich, you can leave the letter “c” out of any word you like and it will be just fine. Worldly, even. Check out this ethereal being. She looks like she’s chiseled out of pure, frozen iceberg from a land far, far away. She must be cold; her nymph-like nips are nearly exposed. Some might pay over ten thousand dollars for her, but today, she’ll cost you half that. Though she’s obviously worth millions. Daum!

Not one, but TWO Painted Mirrors!!

(for the price of 497 at IKEA)

Pictured: art not from the Orient.

Let me ask you something: When you look into your mirrors at home, do you see only your plain, stupid reflection? I bet you do! How completely unsophisticated. When rich people look into their gilded set of twin mirrors they see a whimsical reminder of the Orient. Cherry blossoms that are reminiscent of a place of peace and zen and karate. You truly haven’t lived until you’ve seen your own reflection surrounded by spiraling twigs and berries of the Asian persuasion. Rich people don’t even know what that means.

Moving on.

I scream. You scream. Make the screaming STOP!

Thanks Mom!!

Most people think that rich people were handed their riches on a silver platter. Those people are wrong. Way wrong. Turns out rich folks were handed way more than just their riches on platters of silver. They also get their creamy dessert foods served via precious metal. I mean come ON. Only hobos and the hopelessly white trash serve ice cream out of the containers they come in, from a grocery store, into cups, bowls or other receptacles NOT made out of pure silver. Ugh, it’s enough to make me want to vomit up my pistachio. I will anyway, though, because those calories aren’t doing me any favors.
Tip: This gift also goes well with a matching Cuisinart at-home Pinkberry store.

Now, even though there were plenty of awesome deals inside the sale, I couldn’t stop my clicker finger from trotting over to the plain old sale section under “Home” to see what other worldly goods I could find at fantastic prices…

Jungle Jubilee Dinnerware!!!

fancy feast

I bet you wish you were eating dinner every night in a Jungle Jubilee like rich people do. A keen mixture of “paint-it-yourself”-style pottery design combined with high-society pricing makes this 16-piece dinnerware set an absolute STEAL at just $235.90. What the hell kind of a word is “Jubilee?” I believe it went the way of the dodo bird along with “tomfoolery” and “the bees’ knees.” But then again, alliteration is awesome, ain’t it?

FYI there is also a selection of appetizing Rooster dinnerware sets on sale, as well as some delightful silverware with monkeys on the handles! How adorable!

Balloon Chair

pictured: nothing even close to a balloon...

An unassuming name for such a outspoken piece of furniture, this “balloon chair” is described as “An antique design that makes a cozy, comfortable choice to complete any room.” Bullocks! This chair isn’t for just any room. NO! A chair this fine deserves to reside in a home full of only the best overindulgent items that can be supplied by Neiman Marcus and Neiman Marcus alone. It’s this sort of outlandish claim on the Internet that allows hobos to foolishly think they can decorate their “homes” in a such a manner. Sad, really. And at $3,399, this chair is worth more than that hobo’s life.

Sit on THAT!

My apologies for the disjointedness of this post, but I must admit that I started it while employed one place, and finished it after being hired by another. No worries—I will not be making so much cash at said new gig that I will suddenly consider these “deals” to be reasonable. So look out for the forth edition soon, no doubt.

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Tags: dash, economy, neiman marcus, online, online shopping, recession, rich, sale, shopping

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 9th, 2010 at 10:10 PM and is filed under Deals & Free Stuff, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.