WASTE OF MONEY: Hot Pockets Side Shots
Posted by drocolate on April 22nd, 2010It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.
Today I’m going to rant pointlessly about:
Hot Pockets Side Shots
Oh my. Where do I begin…
I guess I’ll start with the most obvious reason why I really don’t think anyone should be eating these.
Reason #1: They look like balls
Seriously. And if you don’t see it, or just think I’m being pervy based on that photo above check this one out:
Yeah you’re seeing it now, right? Balls. In your hands. Being ripped apart. Nice cuticles on that hand model though.
For more ball resemblance evidence check out 0.24-0.26 of the Side Shots ad:
Kinda makes me squirm. A lot.
It’s amazing to me though. Was there no one involved at any point during the development of this product that had the, well, balls to step up and say that this product looks a lot like a hairless set of testicles? And then to encourage the grabbing and ripping of these doughy, meat-filled balls just adds to the general wrongness of the whole thing. Side Shots are balls. End of story.
But that’s not the only reason why they’re a waste of money…
Reason #2: The name is only one letter away from being “Side Shits”
This one doesn’t really need a lot of elaboration. If you start calling these things Side Shits you won’t be able to stop. And if you actually enjoy them that will lead to some problems for you.
“Mommy! What’s for dinner tonight?”
“We’re having Side Shits, children. Yum.”
Yikes.
Reason #3: Bubble Guts
In the interest of full disclosure, I have never eaten a Hot Pocket Side Shit Shot, but I have had my fair share of boring old, rectangular Hot Pockets and they have only led to bad things in the world of digestion. So, by the laws of the transitive property (or something), it only makes sense that if normal Hot Pockets turn your insides into a Jackson Pollock painting then the Side Shots must do the same thing. Right? Yeah.
It’s making me a little sick just thinking about it. Definitely don’t eat a Side Shot before a date. Or a standup comedy performance.
Next.
Reason #4: The “steam” on the box art is photoshopped in
Yeah I know, this one is getting a little pesky, but come on! Anyone who as ever eaten anything from the Hot Pockets family knows that there is plenty of real steam coming out of these smoldering burn traps to get a suitable photo. And the steam on the box art looks like shit. It looks like someone took a pencil eraser to the package or something. Check it out:
So weak.
I guess if they had real steam in the box art they would have to have real food… and well, that just wouldn’t look good:
Oh my lord. If it’s any consolation they look less like balls in real life… but damn.
Yeah. Don’t buy these. If you MUST have a Hot Pocket, stick to the rectangular shaft portion of the Hot Pocket genitalia and steer clear of the balls.
--
Previously on Waste of Money:
- Heidi Montag’s Face
- YuleCon 2009 and Other Anime/Manga Conventions
- The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
- Halloween Costumes That Accentuate Your Penis
- LivePrayer.com Birther Contributions
- Personal Urns from Cremation Solutions
- Axe Body Spray
- Olive Garden
- Creed Concert Tickets
- Harem Pants
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine
- Creed’s New Album
- Rollerblades
- The Beatles Remastered Catalog
- George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
- Fast & Furious
- Snugglette
- Truck Nuts
Tags: Hot Pockets, testicles, waste of money
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ITE? and Derek, rachcreative. rachcreative said: RT @drocolate: They're balls. RT @inthiseconomy: WASTE OF MONEY: Hot Pockets Side Shots — http://bit.ly/awsR3W [...]
Next hot new Hot Pockets product? Money Shots.
[...] Hot Pockets Side Shots [...]
You should give them a try. They are actually very good. I know, it’s difficult to equate Hot Pockets with “good”. I don’t believe the developer was going for “balls” either. I find them to be more of the feminine body style, perhaps a shaply rump or…well you get the idea. And when I eat them, they don’t come out of the microwave like that. They look much better. You must have manipulated it like they did on the box cover. If your product genuinely did look like that fresh out of the microwave, then you should call their consumer complaint line. I do not work for the company, and I think your critique is poor at best. Try the products before you give your opinion. I for one love them. I love the way the bread smells, and I can taste hints of pickle, mustard, and ketchup.
I think Hot Pockets Side Shots are amazaing with Pickles stuffed inside them, it also cools them down when they come out of the microwave steaming (just like the picture). I really think you should try a product before you bash it. I completely disagree with everything you wrote. I also think you have an odd obsession with balls. I think your website has a good concept, but I have lost all respect for you after this article.
Who cares if they look like balls? Hot dogs look like.. well you know but that doesn’t stop us from eating those or ranting on em? And you didn’t mention the biggest thing on here, i just ate one today for the first time and the cheeseburger side shots taste exactly like mcdonalds cheeseburgers.
I agree with EKG…you really should try a product before bashing it. You make yourself sound so ignorant by talking about something of which you have no real idea about. Get a life. Side Shots ROCK!