In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

This one has it all — money, politics, gambling, stupid people and poorly distributed corporate bonuses. So strap in and get ready to meet…

Sue Lowden AKA Sue Lowdown

Sue Lowden is a businesswoman. She is all about conducting business the right way, no matter what. In fact, she’s so passionate about her business knowledge and morals that she is currently running for the United States Senate in the state of Nevada based on the campaign slogan, “fighting for your job is my job.”

She sounds pretty awesome, right?

Well she’s not. She sucks.

Let me explain why.

Last year was a crap year for pretty much everyone in America and Mrs. Lowden’s business, the Pioneer Hotel & Gambling Hall, was no exception. Over the course of the year the company had to cut its workforce by 25% (106 total jobs) and shut down the company match on the remaining employees’ 401k plans. The latter change was going to save the company around $67,000 a year, which is a sizable savings.

Unfortunately…

…Mrs. Lowden’s husband somehow managed to collect a bonus in 2009 of $200,000. This bonus increased his and and his wife’s combined salary total to almost a million bucks.

Yikes.

So let’s do some math here.

106 employees times an average of (and I’m making this up) $35,000 a year is about $3.7 million. Add to that another $67,000 from the murdered 401k match program and we’re talking about a total cost savings of roughly $3.8 million for the Pioneer Hotel & Gambling Hall. Then subtract $200,000 from that and multiply it by a couple of douchebags (that’s the Lowdens, just in case this is getting confusing… math is tough), then divide the whole thing by a really, really fucking stupid political move and you’ve got the end result of OH MY GOD SUE LOWDOWN IS A SHITHEAD!

Her company is reverse Robin Hooding people. They’re stealing from the poor to give to the rich. $200,000 is, using the savings figures provided by the company, enough money to keep the existing employees’ 401k match program going for almost 3 full years. Or maybe instead of that they could have taken the $200k and used it to save a few of those 106 tossed jobs.

And the thing that I love the most…

…is that at the same time Sue Lowden is overseeing these irresponsible business moves she is also trying to run for the United States Senate in Nevada on a ticket of business expertise and job creation. As I said above her slogan is “fighting for your job is my job.”

I think that slogan may need to be edited to read “fighting for your job is my job, unless my husband needs his bonus.”

Now, before you all completely write this woman off, I should say that she did not actually receive a bonus last year. In fact, she hasn’t received any sort of pay increase since 1996. So she’s not all bad, right?

WRONG.

In my opinion that really makes the whole thing worse. It means she realized in advance just how bad it would look for her to collect a bonus in 2009, but did nothing to prevent her husband from getting his. It’s not like he’s some wild card CMO that you can’t openly bring up the topic of “slashing bonuses for your own political gains” with. He’s your fucking husband. Sack up and mention it to him.

And that whole mess is, in my opinion, what takes her from just being an idiot to being a crook.

And an idiot.

An idiot crook.

Yeah. I’m done.

Get your Sue Lowden shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #13: Pankaj Joshi
• #12: Keith Bardwell
• #11: Carolyn Towns
• #10: Angelo Mozilo
• #9: Teresa Tambunting
• #8: Marcus Schrenker
• #7: The AIG 73
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: idiots, nevada, politicians, Shithead Trading Cards, Sue Lowden

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 4th, 2010 at 11:23 AM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.