In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

I’m back! And this one is a real piece of work.

Pankaj Joshi AKA Bitcheroo

It has been a long time since I’ve felt the need to brand someone a shithead, but when you hear about what Mr. Joshi did I think you’ll agree that he is well worth the dubious distinction.

It all started back on May 29…

…at the Lucky Food Store in Grand Prairie, Texas. A man by the name of Willis Willis (AMAZING name) came in and purchased some lottery tickets. A couple days later he returned to cash in the tickets and Mr. Joshi happened to be the clerk on duty at the time. Pankaj scanned the tickets and saw that one of them was worth one million dollars.

From here he began his descent down the slippery slope of shithead-itude. This was the moment when Pankaj Joshi disappeared and Bitcheroo took over.

Here’s what he did (in list form for easier digestion):

• He scanned Mr. Willis’ ticket.
• Saw that it was worth a cool milly.
• Quietly freaked out inside his own head. A million dollars is a lot of money and working at this Lucky Food Store blows. I mean what kind of food store only sells four things. Well, five things if you count all these lottery tickets.

• Regained his composure and told Mr. Willis that the ticket he just scanned was indeed a winner — but only a $2 winner.
• Paid Mr. Willis all two dollars of his winnings and completed a masterful switcheroo. It was like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy swaps the statue with the bag of sand (only there was no awesome giant boulder).

• Signed off on the million dollar ticket himself and obtained the money.
• Fled to Nepal.

Yeah. That’s right. This little shit stole a million dollar lottery ticket and then fled all the way to effing Nepal in an attempt to not get caught. Unfortunately for him, Willis Willis (Can I add one more on there and make it Willis Willis Willis? Please?) wasn’t going to just take the whole thing lying down.

Willis W. Willis Willis fights back.

Willis Willis doesn't take any shit

Shortly after the initial switcheroo took place a sign went up in the window of the Lucky milk/bread/beer/soda/lottery ticket store proclaiming that a Texas Lotto million dollar winner had purchased a ticket there. This, plus Mr. Joshi’s sudden desire to not live in America anymore, started to raise some serious suspicions from both Mr. Willis and various state authorities. It wasn’t long before the real story started to present itself.

Check out a poorly captured example of the real story presenting itself here:

Fast forward to present day and the walls are really starting to close in on Bitcheroo. Earlier this week Willis W. Willis Willis Willis got around $395,000 of the original stolen million back thanks to a ruling in his favor in a Texas state district court. $365,000 of it was from bank accounts Mr. Joshi had opened and $30,000 of it came from people in the Dallas area that Pankaj had given money to before he left.

Quick sidenote: How much would that suck? This dude you know gives you $10,000 and says it’s a gift. Then a few months later the government comes around and says that the money is stolen (or as the kids call it: “hot”) and you have to return it. It’s really just another reason why this Pankaj Joshi guy is a total shithead.

As for the other 600+ thousand of Mr. Willis’ money? Well right now it’s being tracked down in Nepal. From there it may take months or even years to make its way back into Mr. Willis’ wallet… but I really don’t think he minds.

So, in the end, this shithead story ends happily. Eventually Bitcheroo will be tracked down and probably imprisoned and Willis W. Whatchutalkinbout Willis will get most of his money back.

The only other bizarre thing about the story is that the Texas Lottery commission still refuses to acknowledge that Willis Willis was the actual winner, even after the ruling earlier this week. They’re still standing behind Pankaj Joshi. So basically, at this point the Texas Lotto Commission are acting like a bunch of shitheads…

But that’s a story for another time.

Oh, and I have to apologize for the horrible picture of Pankaj you see up there. I had to take a screen grab of his wanted poster because I couldn’t find anything better on the Internets. If any of you guys come across a better picture of Bitcheroo, please send it my way.

Get your Pankaj Joshi shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #12: Keith Bardwell
• #11: Carolyn Towns
• #10: Angelo Mozilo
• #9: Teresa Tambunting
• #8: Marcus Schrenker
• #7: The AIG 73
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: lottery, Pankaj Joshi, Shithead Trading Cards, texas, Willis Willis

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 10:19 AM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.