In This Economy?

NBC is a joke. Officially.

By now all of you probably know about the game of musical chairs NBC management tried to play with their stable of late night personalities. You no doubt followed the story as Jay Leno and his bloated failure of a prime-time comedy show was moved, causing the other 89 late night comedy shows NBC airs to get moved around. And if you’ve really kept up with all of this crap, then you know the platinum-balled Conan O’Brien put his foot down against all of this and was quickly relieved as a result.

But here’s what you don’t know. You don’t know what is going to fill up those five now-vacant weekly hours of prime-time TV that Jay left behind?

Behold the answer.

5 new show ideas for the stupids at NBC

These are presented in no particular order.

1. The Ponziest

I’ve had this idea for a while. The show centers around two friends — Bernie Madoff and R. Allen Stanford — that have just been thrown into prison for stealing a combined $60ish billion from people. They get into fights in the yard, do each other and tackle all of the complicated politics that a medium-security prison provides.

Yes, I said “do each other.” It’s a complex show.

And things get even more complex when, in episode 7, the ghost of Charlie Ponzi comes into the prison to give his greatest disciples a lesson on greed, theft… and love.

Oh, did I mention that Madoff and Stanford are playing themselves? I didn’t? Well they are.

It’s going to be awesome.

2. The Luckiest/Unluckiest Man in the World

This show is all about the life and times of Tsutomu Yamaguchi.

Don’t know who he is? Well, let me enlighten you. Mr. Yamaguchi is a Japanese man who survived both the Hiroshima AND Nagasaki nuclear bomb drops. He was in Hiroshima for business when the first one fell. He lived through the blast, spent a night in an air raid shelter and then went home — to Nagasaki. A couple days later… well, you know how it went down from there. He never experienced any of the awful after-effects from the radiation and died recently at the old age of 93.

As you can tell from reading that, this dude’s story needs to be told and then mercilessly shat upon by television writers.

One way we could really shit on it would be to have him pop into other famous disasters in a Quantum Leap kind of way. One second he’s sipping tea on the Hindenburg and the next he’s asking the band why they’re still playing on the Titanic. It could be like a gallery of famous horror stories through the eyes of one humble Asian gentleman.

Hey, what’s that smell? Is it shit? No, it’s Emmys. Next.

3. Repackage your existing shows in 3D

This one is extremely timely. Imagine this:

You sit down to watch The Biggest Loser at 8 (it’s your fav!). During the show, in between the segment where the overweight person cries and the other overweight person sobs, there is a commercial for a special encore of The Biggest Loser in 3D on afterwards at 9. Are you actually going to turn away from that? Imagine all of that sobbing and sweating in three dimensions!

And The Biggest Loser is just one example.

Do people still watch Heroes? No? Well they probably would if that shit had a special encore in 3D! Or Dateline, 3D-ify that thing and watch the ratings go bananas. People don’t just want to see investigative journalism, they want to be a part of it — and that is what 3D is all about.

Think about it NBC.

4. Krull: The Show

DISCLAIMER: If you’ve never seen or heard of the movie Krull you may want to skip ahead to number 5. You may also want to rent Krull because it’ll change your life with it’s amazingness. Now back to it.

The movie Krull is probably the sixth greatest movie ever made so it only makes sense that a TV adaptation finally see a greenlight (especially since my idea for a remake seems to have stalled). Imagine all of the magical characters from Krull having new adventures in a small, easy-to-digest 43 minute package each week.

I can’t wait to see how that Patrick Swayze look-a-like dude’s relationship with that princess chick evolves over time. And what’s going to happen with Liam Neeson’s character? And how will the characters handle it when the HIV virus starts popping up on the planet Krull? And what about that death frisbee? I don’t want to spoil things too much, but I will say that at one point that death frisbee goes out and falls for a woman who will be played by shitty-TV-show vet Lucy Lawless. Yeah. She’s locked in. She loves Krull.

The only thing I’m not sure about yet is what to call it. I’ve got some ideas:

• Krull: The Awakening
• Krull: SVU
• Krull: SG1
• Krull: Las Vegas
• Krull: The Krull Chronicles
• Krull: The Krulliest

And my personal favorite:

• Krull: The College Years

No matter what it’s called it will be gripping. And gripping = good TV.

5. The Vincent Gallo Show

Don't you want to look into these eyes every night at 9pm CST? I know I do.

This one is a great option if NBC is still too scared (or cheap) to bring scripted TV back to prime-time. The idea here is simple. Keep all the sets and props from the Jay Leno Show in place and bring in a new host. In this case that new host will be the always-personable Vincent Gallo.

You may remember Mr. Gallo from some of his film credits. He played the main dude in the indie darling Buffalo ’66 and he blown on camera in the indie anti-darling The Brown Bunny. Oh, and he was also in the Jay-Z video for “99 Problems”. So yeah, he’s qualified.

He’s also currently selling his sperm on the Internet for a million dollars. Uh huh.

His show will be so awesome. And if we can lock down Abe Vigoda to be his Ed McMahon, well, holy hell, we’re talking about an instant classic every night. People will be saying Jay who?

–

Wow. That was kind of weird. And awesome.

NBC, if you’re out there reading this, I hope you got some ideas from this because right now you assholes are really putting the cock in peacock. You need an image makeover and a ratings bump — and I think any one of these provocative new show ideas will get you both.

And if I’m wrong you still have the Olympics, which is bound to be a cash cow, right? No?

Well shit.

Tags: 3D, bernie madoff, NBC, R. Allen Stanford, reality tv, tv, Vincent Gallo

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:22 PM and is filed under Good News, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.