In This Economy?

In this economy there is nothing more valuable than an idea.

With that statement in mind, each month time I get around to writing one of these articles I’m going to be giving out five brand new, untapped money-making ideas that are sure to be instant goldmines. Feel free to grab them and make them your own. Just don’t forget who tipped you off in the first place.

I’ve got some new ideas for a new year. Let’s get right into it so we can all get rich.

#5: Mafia Farm Wars-ville

Facebook has an ugly history of stupid bullshit.

First it was that 20 things note that swept the land like a well-fueled conflagration. Then from there we moved into the plague of quizzes, and oh what a plague it was.

And now we have games.

And to be more specific — now we have FarmVille and Mafia Wars.

Now personally, I don’t play either and I sigh every time my Facebook feed gets bogged down with news of my friends latest crop or criminal act (depending on the game). But even though I don’t like these games, I can still see that there is major money to be made here.

The two games on their own are all fine and good, but imagine a game that mixed them together. Pretty amazing, right? One second you’re out in the fields planting some corn, the next you’re getting your fuckin’ shinebox and shooting a gangster in the neck. How sweet of a fake, video game life is that?!? Imagine how much time you could waste! Imagine how many Facebook friends you could alienate!

It’s got limitless potential. And limitless potential = limitless profit. Yeah.

#4: A shot-for-shot remake of For Your Height Only

Hollywood makes a lot of remakes. Too many if you ask me. For some reason though, amid all of these remakes, there doesn’t seem to be very many that are made shot-for shot. Could this be because the few (ok, I can only think of one) that have been made up until now have sucked? Yeah, I think so.

So if the one recent attempt has sucked so bad, why keep trying to pass off these remakes as money-makers? Well, that’s easy. That Psycho remake sucked because Psycho was a good movie, but it was nothing compared to a movie like Krull or, in this case, For Your Height Only.

Just stay with me here.

First, watch this compilation of scenes from the original film:

Now, imagine that film being remade today with a REALLY BIG star in the leading role. I’m thinking we get that Zac Efron kid from the High School Musical movies to do it. And if you’re worrying about the fact that Mr. Efron is not a little person, don’t fret. Gary Oldman totally pulled it off in Tiptoes so there is no reason to think that Zac Efron couldn’t do it here.

This thing reeks like a summer blockbuster. Reeks. It reeks.

#3: Avatarifyoxloft

So there is a lot of buzz on the Intertubewebsnet right now about the movie Avatar. And more specifically, there is a lot of buzz about a cross-section of people that are claiming to be horribly depressed after seeing Avatar because, essentially, the movie is not real. One guy even died (though Avatar-related depression didn’t really have anything to do with that…). This is clearly a very real medical problem that is in desperate need of a very real medical solution.

That’s where Avatarifyoxloft comes in. It’s the anti-depressant for all of the self-proclaimed Avatards out there that can’t seem to differentiate between the beautiful 3D world of the movie and the only-average-looking 3D world of real life.

Like any good prescription drug though, Avatarifyoxloft has side effects. And by law, I have to list them here:

Dry mouth, painful urination, crying, tons of crying, turning blue, choking, bleeding, throwing up violently, death, tumors, chicken skin, man hands, liver spots, spotted liver, swine flu, bird flu, donkey flu, ass flu, shortness of breath, full-on loss of breath, heart attacks (plural), sobbing, colorblindness, vertigo, nasal drip, bloody nasal drip, an erection that lasts for more than four hours, a Brundle-Fly-like dissolving of organs, tissue damage, holes in the skin, pig heart, scales, pony tail, hot flashes, blindness, swollen tongue, crazy-fucking-insane night terrors, the inability to count, lepresy, coughing, swelling, sneezing, hernia, pain and loose stool.

Don’t let that discourage you though! If you’re feeling bummed after seeing Avatar reach out to your doctor and get a hit of Avatarifyoxloft. It’ll cure what ails you.

Special thanks to our friends over at SozaDesign for the incredible box art you see up there.

NEXT!

#2: Anything with 3D

All that talk about Avatar got me thinking about 3D and how hot it is right now. At this moment we’re right in the middle of the 3D gold rush, so go out there and claim some land.

I’m afraid I don’t have one specific, magical 3D idea on this one, but I’ve got a few suggestions. Take them or leave them.

• 3D websites (stay tuned for ITE3D coming Q4 2014)
• 3D wristwatches
• 3D vitamins
• 3D calendars
• 3D Victoria’s Secret catalogs
• Those AWESOME screens from Minority Report that had all the data and people could move it all around with their hands and it was all floating there in the middle of the air and it was soooo futurustic. That shit was really like 5 or 6D though, so maybe the time isn’t right yet.

3D. That is all. Yes.

#1: The Daves

Wanna know a sure-fire way to make money? Well I’ve got one.

SUPERGROUP.

Yeah, that’s right. Supergroup. Just think about it. How many records did Chickenfoot sell? Yeah, probably like a billion. What about Temple of the Dog? Uh huh, another billy I’m sure.

So with that in mind, I’ve created the single greatest and superest supergroup ever and they are called The Daves. Let me introduce you to them (and bear with me, because this supergroup is large):

On vocals, we’ve got:

David Lee Roth of Van Halen fame. DLH loves jumping, girls and running (preferrably with the devil). He also looks awesome in spandex.

Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode. DG is very moody and would love auto-tune if only someone would tell him about it.

Those two dudes that got to the end of American Idol a couple years back. They were both named Dave, right? Well they’re in.

Then, backing them up, is the rest of the band:

Dave Navarro will be in the band to play guitar and satisfy The Daves’ ridiculous facial hair requirements. Does he have the word “tweet” tattooed on his neck? Eh, whatever.

Dave Grohl on drums. I don’t have anything snide to say about Dave Grohl. He’s a badass.

Dave Matthews on guitar and weird mumbling sounds. Thanks to DM’s presence in the group, The Daves will have an automatic, built-in audience of shitheads from day one, which is a great thing when it comes to making money.

David Bowie will play some keyboards. Really, more than than that though, his job will be to stand on a big pedestal and make awkward eye contact with audience members.

The Dave that will serve as The Daves’ fictitious manager will be:

David Hasselhoff. And don’t worry, he’ll get the chance to sing from time to time, especially during the German leg of their inevitable world tour.

Additional supporting Daves:

David. Yes, that’s right. THAT David. He’s in charge of standing there and looking ripped. He’s also in charge of being naked because dudity is really hot right now.

Dave Chappelle will be along for the ride to warm up the crowd everynight for The Daves. He’s a funny dude.

And finally…

David Duchovny will be there to study every member of The Daves so that he can one day play them all in an amazing movie about their rise to fame. He will also satisfy the sex addict requirement every band has.

AND TOGETHER, THEY ARE THE DAVES!!!!!!$$!!$$!!

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Yeah. I’m exhausted. That’s it. I’ll see you all next month.

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Need more untapped money-making ideas? Check it out:

• DECEMBER ‘09
• NOVEMBER ‘09
• AUGUST ‘09
• JULY ‘09
• JUNE ‘09
• MAY ‘09
• APRIL ‘09

Tags: 3D, Avatar, drugs, facebook, gold, Krull, movies, quizzes, supergroups, The Daves, untapped money-making ideas, Weng Weng

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at 4:38 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.