ITE SPECIAL REPORT: Holiday Inn Offers New “Human Bed Warmers” Service
Posted by breadwinner on January 21st, 2010Just a few short minutes ago, when I caught word of this new “service”, a number of thoughts shot through my mind like tiny, creepy bullets. Here is a sampling:
Am I reading The Onion right now?!
Did someone hack Yahoo! News?!
Is this for freaking real?!
Am I hallucinating?!
Do they even make footie pajamas in white?!
Why’s it gotta be white?!
Will these so called “human bed warmers” look like Oompa-Loompas?!
WHY?!?!?!?!
and finally,
OMG—Are they hiring?!
wait, what kind of "service" is this?
I suppose in this economy and in the general state the world is in at the moment, a cold bed is daunting and hotel chains must do what they can to differentiate themselves from the competition. A free breakfast isn’t cutting it anymore. This takes your hotel stay experience to a whole new level, folks. A creepier, Goldilocks-style, “Who’s been sleeping in my bed?” level. <shudder>
Well, Holiday Inn, according to your spokeswoman Jane Bednall, “The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed.” This begs the question, “Why the hell are they putting real, live, living, people in there instead of said giant hot water bottles?” I mean, it’s got to be more cost-effective, right? How much per hour must you pay these fleece-clad warmers? It seems Reuters was way ahead of me on this one. They did in fact ask the Holiday Inn folks about the use of actual hot water bottles, to which they replied that they were unsure, and that this idea was “quirkier.” NO. SHIT.
But there are more details via Yahoo!: “Holiday Inn said the warmer would be fully dressed and leave the bed before the guest occupied it. They could not confirm if the warmer would shower first, but said hair would be covered.” So they might not shower huh? Sounds awesome. Sweaty human bed warmers.
Hey. Little people need jobs too.
Don’t freak out too much people. This service is just being tested. And only in Britain. And only by request. This is going to do wonders for the fetish industry. I can see it now: Dudes calling ahead to ask if their bed warmers would please wear shoes, or requesting only female warmers with size 9 or larger feet. Who knows — if this thing takes off it could be just the job Hugh Grant needs once his career inevitably stops circling the drain AKA he’s co-starred in a romantic comedy with every female starlet in Hollywood. Twice. It’s getting real close. I obviously haven’t utilized a human bed warmer AKA had enough sleep lately.
Here’s the real question: Who is really making money off of this odd-ball idea? That would be this guy: sleep-expert Chris Idzikowski, director of the Edinburgh Sleep Center. It was his idea to warm the beds in the first place. Apparently, we humans can’t start sleeping until our bodies warm up a bit. So this was the obvious solution. Yeah. So. Obvious.
But just in case this doesn’t work out, here are some other services I thought of — just off the top of my head — that Holiday Inn could offer to help us humans warm up for sleeping:
- complimentary pre-warming of the guest rooms using — oh, I don’t know — central heating!?
- provide electric blankets
- pre-warmed sheets offered to guests upon arrival
- the aformentioned giant hot water bottle
- free prostitutes
- complimentary in-room microwaveable footie pajamas
- offer a free Snuggie program
- introduce new in-suite fireplace upgrade program
- offer warm milk upon request
- play a lack-luster podcast upon request
- provide free Ambien upon request
Do you have an opinion on this new “service”? Would you use it? Do you want to buy me a flight to Britain so I can check it out for myself? (Please say no.)
So sleep tight, darling readers. And may you have sweet, sweet dreams of tiny Oompa-Loompas chasing tiny Goldilocks in your bed.
Love,
breadwinner
Tags: bed warmers, economy, fetish, footie pajamas, holiday inn, ITE special report, oompa loompa, yahoo! news
“This service is just being tested. And only in Britain.”
Sounds like a job for the ITE Europe correspondent (why have one otherwise?). Am I allowed some sort of stipend or per diem? Just asking.
Personally, the weirdness of this is just too enticing to pass up.
Ha ha ha ha haa per diem. You crazy British fool.
Ewwww. They wouldn’t need to have creepers lay in the beds if they just bought real bedspreads instead of those horrible, sand-papery hospital blankets.
Question: Do they get to eat the mint on my pillow or just leave their business card on the nightstand?
I think this idea is great.
If I could also get a naked person to stand in the shower until the water is the perfect temperature that would be divine.
Well done, Holiday Inn!
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Do hotels actually put mints on the pillows anymore? I wouldn’t know because I bring my own sheets…and leave them there upon checkout. It’s expensive, but worth it.
you’re so rich
Mints, no. Chocolates, occasionally.
How long until some crazy guest seriously abuses this service? I give it a week.