HAIR Apparent: A Folical, Non-Political Take On The Texas Governor’s Race
Posted by breadwinner on January 13th, 2010Let’s talk for a minute about something that for many people is more important than the economy. More important than politics. More important than — dare I say it — fantasy football. That something is hair. These people aren’t bimbos, or the shallow, self-obsessed vain chicks and dudes who grace reality TV shows with their coiffed presences. They’re just people for whom more serious topics, and often more negative topics, take a back seat to their own hair. I’m not here to judge. Well, actually that’s precisely why I’m here.
The point is this: one of the greatest inventors of all time, the man who brought the ultimate in sleek, straight, in-control styling to the masses, is making his foray into politics. And he’s doing it in one of the most hair-obsessed nations in the Union. The great state of Texas. Mostly known for big hairstyles that implore the pic for teasing and the aerosol can for spraying, Texas is a great place to immigrate to, start a business and hire a bunch of people, and then run for governor. Though, as I’ve said before, it’s not a great place to be unemployed. Well, at least while Dick Fairy is in office, anyway. This got me thinking: if CHI hair straightener inventor Farouk Shami is in the governor’s race, shouldn’t your hair have something to say about it? Mine sure as hell does. And mine’s kinda bitchy, so watch out.
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Does that make hair the soft, billowy, sconce-like curtains? Lovely thought, but I digress.
Let’s take a look at five non-random runners for the governor’s race, from the perspective of hair.
1) Rick Perry AKA Dick Fairy
Hairy Perry: appropriate for political office, yet dated
He's so black.
With hair that calls to mind a certain infamous politician known for his helmet hair and questionable moral character, Rick Perry AKA Dick Fairy is obviously a hair contender. It’s full of shine, with a big wave and I doubt it moves an inch in the wind. Plus, it’s got just a dash of salt and pepper on the sides, perfect for looking particularly distinguished while packing up to secede from the Union, or criticizing the President. So distinguished.
Annnnd with that I’m going to have to stop myself from going on an off-topic rant on this dude. Because talking politics, he’s a contender for Ass-backward Robin Hood of the Millennium, in my humble opinion. But that’s beside my point. For today at least.
2) Kay Bailey Hutchison
KBH: Nice wings, but can she fly?
Patty Duke
Why hello there! Now, this grandma looks like a sweet lady. There’s no way I could hate her as much as I hate ol’ Dick up there. But this post is purely about the ‘do, so I’m going to have to give this chick’s look a low score. Because while it appears much stylist-time was spent teasing, spraying and round-brushing this style pre-photo shoot, it’s just not blowing my skirt up, personally. But I’ve got to come clean: it’s also true that I’m not into Hillary-types. (I’m talkin’ hair only people—I know she’s a Republican.) Now let’s move on to someone a lot more interesting.
3) Kinky Friedman
Maybe Kinky has kinky hair as well? Hence the hat.
Nice hair, but he’s out of the race. I am a fan of the hat and the ridiculous character. Too bad for Texas. I honestly put him in this list for the hell of it. Ha! That’s the same reason he puts himself in the governor’s race every term.
4) Bill White
Poor Bill. He's no Homecoming King.
Bill is HIP!
Yeah, with that hair, or lack thereof, he’s not getting anywhere in Texas aka “the nation’s best state”. Although I must say I fully support the outright dig on Dick Fairy that Mr. White’s staff cleverly worked into his fantastically-placed Facebook ad. Maybe he and I do share some political sentiments after all. Sorry I asked to be removed from your email list, Bill. It’s just that I have no idea how I got on your email list in the first place, and I honestly didn’t want to see any more of your crappy campaign emails. <wince>
3) Farouk Shami
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Shami Swami: Bow down to the one true god of hair.
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The invention of the wheel ain't got nothin' on this.
Okay obviously this one’s a lock. The winner by volumes. He’s conditioned to succeed. Okay enough. His hair may lack looks but he’s done so much for hair in general that I have to look past it. Either way, he’s got my vote. Unless he turns out to be an asshole, which I doubt because I read he moved his entire CHI-making operation from China to Houston, TX and hired a shit-ton of Texans to work for him. He’s also a first-generation American which gets him mad props. He may be one of seven Democratic candidates for the head honcho spot, but he’s the one who’s done the most for my head. Of hair.
So with that I end my nearly pointless diatribe on the current condition of the Texas governor’s race and it’s contenders for beauty queen. I hope you’ve enjoyed the distraction from your day, and who knows — maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow with a wild hair yourself. Then perhaps you can write about something ridiculous and use it to audition for ITE. Please?
Tags: bill white, economy, farouk shami, governor, kay bailey hutchison, race, rick perry, texas
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