In This Economy?

In the past nine(ish) months I’ve written 12 Shithead Trading Cards. And while they have ranged in shitheadishness from people who stole thousands to people who stole billions, they have all been vile.

It’s been fun. And cathartic.

So now, over the course of the next few weeks months, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.

LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!

Shithead #4: Bernie Madoff AKA King Shithead

-Originally published on 3/2/09-

2009 was a rough year for Bernie Madoff. Wah Wah.

First he got caught for Ponzi’ing. We went over that. Ad nauseum.

Then he went to prison for Ponzi’ing. We also went over that.

And now he’s dying very rapidly inside.

We reported a few months ago on a prison fight shoving match that Bern Dog got into over the stock market. And that was only one example of how prison life has taken its toll on this old bastard. On Christmas eve he was hospitalized for supposedly falling out his bed and injuring his face. According to sources there was “a lot of facial bleeding”. Yikes. I imagine this bed accident was similar to a battered wife “falling down the stairs” but that’s just me speculating.

And yes, in my speculation, I am saying that Madoff is someone’s wife. Or to use prison speak: someone’s bitch. And in the prison family system, when your wife (bitch) won’t do what you ask, you have to make your wife’s (bitch’s) face bleed.

Or at least that’s what I’ve heard. And seen on Oz.

King Shithead has also been in and out of the prison hospital with other ailments like dizziness and hypertension. I don’t want to seem grim but this dude isn’t going to last much longer inside. Maybe he can get a cell with the incredible shrinking man (that’s my completely insensitive nickname for R. Allen Stanford) and they can swap stories about scamming people as their health worsens by the day. That’d be kind of sweet.

Seriously though… why haven’t those two been put in the same room for some sort of interview or documentary or cage match. I need to look into this.

I'm assuming he's on top and his cellmate Frank is on bottom...

Moving on with other Madoff activity since his shithead enshrinement: The majority of his property has been sold at various auctions, and a lot of the money raised has then been passed on to his victims. Unfortunately Madoff didn’t have $50 billion in homes and jewlery so Kevin Bacon and all the others will never get the majority of their money back. That really is the problem with made up money… it’s very hard to recoup.

But it’s not all bad for Bernard. A story in the Wall Street Journal from early December chronicled his prison life and mentioned that he has a young cellmate named Frank who beats his face to a bloody pulp when Bernie doesn’t do what a good bitch should treats him with respect. In fact, the article talks about how Bernie is surprisingly revered inside. He’s viewed as a master thief. Like the dudes in the Ocean’s 11 movies… only not quite as cool. He also has access to chess AND checkers so things aren’t totally hopeless.

Bernie even gets to do something inside that he definitely wasn’t doing when he was free — work. All of the inmates are given a variety of jobs at the facility he is housed in (the Butner Federal Correctional Complex) and they are paid for the work they do. Their wages range from $.12 to $1.15 an hour depending on the job.

Yeah, that’s right. Bernie Madoff, a dude who was once filthy rich off of the stolen wealth of others, now has a job that pays him about fifty cents (I’m guessing) an hour.

How fucking poetic is that?

It really makes Kevin Bacon and I smile.

I truly hope Bernie makes the most of the (probably very little) time he has left. And I also hope that him and Allen Stanford hook up and plan a prison break… because that would be the saddest/most amazing thing of all time.

HOW HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE!? SERIOUSLY?!

Ok, that’s it.

–

Next time on Shithead Roundup, I’ll be tackling multiple shitheads at the same time. Uh huh. That’s right.

STAY TUNED!!

Tags: bernie madoff, prison, R. Allen Stanford, Shithead Roundup, Shithead Trading Cards

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 3:42 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.