ITE Holiday Gift Guide — Day 11
Posted by drocolate on December 11th, 2009
Merry Holidays, everyone!
It’s that time again. Time for all of us to go out there and spend our hard-earned money on unnecessary material goods for our friends and family. The holidays are here! Yes!
But, because 2009 has been extremely hard on the wallet, you can’t just throw your money around on a whim. You need to be sure that you’re getting a great gift, and this is where ITE comes in.
Each day, until Christmas day, we will be giving you guys some gift-giving advice. We’re going to break every day into three categories: The Good, The Bad and The Completely Bizarre. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory from there.
This year we lost a legend in the world of “selling you shit you don’t need”. Of course I’m talking about the passing of Billy Mays. Today’s gifts are a tribute to his life’s work. R.I.P. Billy.
DAY 11 — Billy Mays Gifts
The Good
Awesome Auger
I love to aug stuff. Seriously.
You need a tree planted? I’ll aug the hell out of your lawn and make you a fresh tree hole.
You need to put up a fence? Give me some time and I’ll aug the hell out of some ground for you to drop some posts in.
You need me to make a briefcase full of money that you found on the dead body of a known drug dealer disappear? Yeah. I’ll aug you right out of trouble. No worries.
Really, the only problem with auging is that it’s very time consuming. Well, it was anyway, before the Awesome Auger came around. Now, thanks to Billy Mays and this wonderful product he is endorsing, a new world of speed-auging has been opened up to me. A world where I can dig holes in seconds.
Thank you Awesome Auger. And thank you Mr. Mays.
The Bad
Zorbeez
Fuck Zorbeez.
Yeah, I said it.
If I need an ultra-absorbent cloth I’ll grab a Sham Wow, not this Zorbeez bullshit.
I love Billy Mays but this is one of the few missteps in his brilliant career. He got behind Zorbeez while a new guy named Vince Offer backed the Sham Wow. In the end the battle came down to which one had a better name (because let’s be honest… they’re basically the exact same product) and Zorbeez sounds ludicrous. Seriously. Just imagine this:
Your outside washing your car when your hot neighbor comes outside. Hot neighbor says, “damn, how do you get your car so dry after a wash?” You calmly reply back by saying, “Oh hey thanks, I use ________.”
Imagine the word Zorbeez in that blank. Yeah, totally lame.
Now imagine saying “I use Sham Wow.” Gah, that’s powerful. You and hot neighbor will be more than nieghbors soon. Thanks to Sham Wow.
So yeah, I’m a little off track here but, fuck Zorbeez.
The Completely Bizarre
Samurai Shark
This thing is actually NOT a tazer.
Yeah, I was surprised too.
Crazy.
–
Once again, R.I.P. Billy. You may be gone but you live on through all the shit you were selling.
See you tomorrow.
Oh, and here’s the rest of the guide:
- Day 10 — TV Shows on DVD
- Day 9 — Ed Hardy Gifts
- Day 8 — Gift Cards
- Day 7 — Video Games
- Day 6 — Cars
- Day 5 — Mustache Gifts
- Day 4 — Sarah Palin Gifts
- Day 3 — Movies on DVD
- Day 2 — Hats
- Day 1 — Music
Tags: Billy Mays, gift, gift guide, Holiday Gift Gude, holidays, infomercials, R.I.P.
[...] Day 11 — Billy Mays Gifts [...]