Shithead Roundup #3: John Thain
Posted by drocolate on December 7th, 2009In the past nine(ish) months I’ve written 12 Shithead Trading Cards. And while they have ranged in shitheadishness from people who stole thousands to people who stole billions, they have all been vile.
It’s been fun. And cathartic.
So now, over the course of the next few weeks, I’d like to rehash some of that vileness and catch up with each of them.
LET’S DO THIS! ROUNDUP TIME!
Shithead #3: John Thain AKA Toilet Bug
-Originally published on 2/25/09-
John Thain separated himself from the rest of the douchebag CEO elite earlier this year by doing two things:
- Making the call to merge his company, Merrill Lynch, with Bank of America.
- Spending $1.22 million to decorate his Merrill Lynch office.
The office thing was viewed as a bonehead play from the start and it only got worse when the details were revealed. Seeing that someone who is heading a financial company is squandering millions on things like a $35,000 toilet and a (GASP!) $1,400 trash can just doesn’t look good.
On the other hand, the Bank of America thing was viewed, at first, to be a brilliant business move. Mr. Thain managed to fold his company into BoA instead of simply collapsing like so many other firms were at the time. The only problem was that Toilet Bug screwed up the whole seemingly good arrangement by doing things like handing out $4 billion in bonus money, conveniently handing out said money right before Merrill Lynch’s horrid sales numbers came out, and running his mouth like a varsity D-bag in the news every other day.
In the end Bank of America told him to pack up his shit and he resigned.
From there things got quite a bit worse for Bank of America. Ken Lewis, the Bank of America CEO, became a constant target for everyone from the media to political committees looking for bankers to sacrifice. and while Lewis was not totally innocent he was also having to answer for a lot of the shit Thain had left behind… and that’s not cool.
And the worst part is that while all of this was happening Johnny Thain was probably off somewhere skiing or yachting or something.
Unsurprisingly, after a year of being beat down, Ken Lewis announced he was going to be leaving BoA at the end of the year.
A few months after that John Thain conveniently resurfaced. He did a number of interviews with financial news sources and talked about how he was ready to get back out there and get a new job.
But what company would want him? Who would want a guy with a reputation as a greedy snake who would rather cut and run than stay and answer for his mistakes? What company would actually be interested in a dude like that?
Well, if you believe the experts, Bank of America.
That’s right! In yet another sign that our financial institutions learned nothing from the apocalyptic events of this year, John Thain is one of the final contenders for the soon-to-be-vacant Bank of America top job.
So just remember folks, if you want a job at a new company all you have to do is follow the Thain method. It’s easy!
STEP ONE: Target a company you like and merge with them.
STEP TWO: Start dicking it up and get asked to leave.
STEP THREE: Watch the company you left from a distance and be very quiet.
STEP FOUR: Swoop in as soon as an opening is available and somehow become CEO…
Yeah, I don’t get it. This dude hasn’t changed at all yet somehow he’s going to come out of all of this on top. I can’t wait to see what kind of toilet he has in his office at BoA. Maybe it’ll have diamonds in it. I would LOVE to take a shit on some diamonds.
Yeah. John Thain sucks. The end.
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Next time on a very special Shithead Roundup: Bernie Madoff!!!
STAY TUNED!!
Tags: douchebag, John Thain, Shithead Roundup, Shithead Trading Cards, toilets