In This Economy?

Ringside seat

Note: The Get Motivated! Business Seminar is exactly what it says it is. Founded by Canadian Peter Lowe and his American wife, Tamara, more than 25 years ago, blah blah blah… Do your own research.

When I first read that this seminar was coming through Texas, I did what most people do: dozed off at my desk and drooled on my keyboard. When I woke up, I pretended to do some work so I wouldn’t get fired. Then I glanced up and saw the list of speakers. Holy shit, there was no way I could miss this.

A scheduling conflict effed up my chance to attend the one closest to home, but I’ve got more money than your average pre-motivated loser. So I booked a flight to San Antonio, made a SurlyZ dummy for my work station and headed to Alamo City.

Interesting fact: The Alamo itself was a source of motivation when Sam Houston rallied troops with cries of “Remember the Alamo!” to defeat Santa Anna, the Mexican bringer of toys to good little niños and niñas all over the Spanish-speaking world.

I arrived late to Get Motivated!, thus missing the talks by San Antonio Spur Tony Parker and Dr. Robert Schuller. But I got there just in time to hear former Microsoft and HP executive Rick Belluzzo tell a story about ordering too many printers or something from the Japanese and how we never should have helped them rebuild after WWII. I kid, I kid. He seemed like a nice guy. And by “nice” I mean “rich.”

Then we got to the good shit.

General Colin Powell

This man should have been president. I’m thinking somewhere in the January 2001 to January 2009 range. Powell is thoughtful, funny and a natural born commander. He charmed the crowd with stories about missing his private plane and having Diet Coke served on a silver platter and loving red onion relish on hotdogs (who doesn’t?). But he also clearly defined what it takes to be a good leader, which I paraphrase as such: You can get people to follow you to the ends of the Earth as long as you demonstrate a sense of purpose, give your employees the tools they need to get the job done and threaten everyone else with a vial of white powder.

Stock market can suck it

I’ve never been a believer in the stock market. If I invest $1,000 in one company and the stock goes down, my money disappears. Who gets it? Do they just burn it? Give me my money back! These were the questions and exclamations that were not resolved by alleged investment guru Phil Town.

He did, however, make his entrance to pyrotechnics. And he told a personal survival story that featured the question, “You know that feeling you get when the hair stands up on the back of your neck and you know you screwed up and you’re gonna die?” Uh, no. It sounds terrifying though. And he used his second chance after that near-death experience to sell stock market advice to people who know nothing about the stock market but believe they can get rich quick guaranteed because he told them so.

THE Tamara Lowe?

The All-Seeing Tamara Lowe

Tamara Lowe is all things to all people. I just wanted to get that out of the way. I dare not say anything negative because she has connections to very powerful people (Jerry Lewis and Suze Orman, to name two). And she already found me and commented on my preview of this seminar.

I will, however, repeat something she said. The neighborhood in New Orleans was so rough. How rough was it??? It was so rough, we didn’t play doctor; we played autopsy.

Conclusion: Tamara Lowe was a necrophiliac in her youth. So cheers to Ms. Lowe for pulling herself up by her bootstraps and marrying the next-best thing to a live human being: a Canadian.

The Zig Ziglar tragedy

This one made me sad. Mr. Ziglar is a longtime motivational speaker. A lot of my friends have heard him speak over the decades, and while zero of my friends internalized his words and became successful or happy, I’ve never heard one negative word about this guy.

Almost three years ago, Zig fell and injured his brain, causing damage to his short-term memory. Now his daughter introduces him and asks him a few questions to guide him along as he spouts a few rote lines about, oh I don’t know, let’s say being and doing. Then he’s ushered off the stage as they show a “best of Zig Ziglar” collection of clips.

It was awkward.

Prince Charming

James Smith wins my 1st Annual Speaker of the Day Award (the name is a work in progress). He was a 100% prime douchebag who would say lewd, crude and crass things and follow them with Jesus and love talk. He spoke of the disgustingness of making it with an old Denny’s waitress, he made fat jokes and he said he loved old women’s hands because they are like chicken skin. Awesome.

I’m not sure what his overall point was, so here are few choice words plucked from his speech: Beavis & Butt-head, doofus, blows, pissed, hosed, posse, bong for breakfast, this is how you do it (sung), peckerwood.

OMG! President George W. Bush!

Oh, sweet, sweet W. Is there anything cuter than a man who did horrible things on a massive global level, got away with them and is now a hero to the people who go to motivational seminars?

The very same back that was turned on America

Surprisingly, there were no real gaffes in his presentation, which was centered around how great it was to be president. He said they were eight “glorious” years. I, too, long for those golden years of terrorist attacks, wars and economic collapse. For once, I’m not assessing blame. I’m questioning what his standard for glorious is.

He opened with a story about picking up dogshit, just so you know he didn’t learn anything about class in those eight glorious years. And why the hell am I taking jabs at the man? Damn, old habits are hard to break.

Let me just say it was anti-climactic because he didn’t come off as a clown. There was no real substance to his speech, but he’s the guy who put asses in seats that day. And he gave people something to remember and think about when he said, “There’s nothing wrong with Colorado.”

Terry Bradshaw

I gave him about five minutes. As soon as he said, “You know what? Something just went down my britches,” I got up and split. I couldn’t sit through 30 minutes of jackassery. But I didn’t move fast enough. Before I got out of the arena, I also heard something to the tune of, “My hometown was so small we used the same mule for driver’s ed and sex education.” It might have been a donkey. But what the fuck kind of joke is that? I’m going to have nightmares. Terry Bradshaw nightmares.

Sasquatch

Bradshaw

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Moral of the story

Out of everything I heard throughout the day, the one piece of advice that really stuck with me was:

“You can’t let things get to you. You’re sharing the road with a lot of people, and you can only control yourself. Just give people some space and be aware of everything around you.”

I’d like to thank Anthony the cabdriver for those words of wisdom that I have followed every day since the seminar. Because he meant that literally. And it really does make for a less stressful commute.

1-2-3 GET MOTIVATED!

Tags: Colin Powell, George W. Bush, Get Motivated San Antonio, Get Motivated!, motivational seminar, Phil Town, President Bush, Rick Belluzzo, Robert Schuller, San Antonio, scam, Tamara Lowe, taxicab confessions, Terry Bradshaw, Tony Parker, Zig Ziglar

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 5th, 2009 at 1:17 PM and is filed under Human Encounters, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.