In This Economy?

In this economy there is nothing more valuable than an idea.

With that statement in mind, each month time I get around to writing one of these articles I’m going to be giving out five brand new, untapped money-making ideas that are sure to be instant goldmines. Feel free to grab them and make them your own. Just don’t forget who tipped you off in the first place.

It’s been a long time since I’ve delivered some money-making gold to you guys, so I’m going to do my best to make this month’s edition extra awesome. Get ready to get rich. $$$$$!!!$!$$!$!!

#5: Shit Tags

I’m a dog owner and as a part of being a dog owner I’m outside walking my dog quite a bit. And, unfortunately, during some of these walks I have stepped in dog shit. It’s a miserable experience.

However now, thanks to Shit Tags, that misery will become a thing of the past.

Shit Tags work like this:

FIRST: Attach the Shit Tags dispenser to your dog’s leash.

SECOND: Watch your dog take a shit.

THIRD: Place a Shit Tag next to your dog’s freshly-produced stool to help warn future walkers that there is something hazardous ahead.

GOODBYE SHITTY SHOES! HELLO AWESOME, CLEAN-SHOED AMERICANS!

And the best part is that Shit Tags don’t have to only be for dogs. You can use them for any shit. Cow shit, cat shit, baby shit, bird shit, camel shit and even horse shit! You can’t show Shit Tags a shit they can’t tag.

You guys smell that? It’s the smell of shit. And profits. Next.

#4: Tollway grocery stores

The days of stopping at a tollbooth to pay your toll are over. These days most states have pay-as-you-go systems in place on the majority of their toll roads and most people have tags or stickers in their car that are linked to their bank accounts. I have a thing called a toll tag on my car and it takes money out of my account, as it needs it, $40 at a time.

My idea here revolves entirely around these toll tags.

Why should the toll tags stop with tolls? Why not set up a lane on the tollway that has a small grocery store inside it. Imagine this: instead of paying cash and getting out to wrestle with shopping carts you stay in your car and grab everything you need as you drive through. And at the end it all gets charged to your toll tag. You do all of your shopping without leaving your car or fumbling with your wallet.

So what if your wife called and asked you to pick up some milk on the way home! You can drive through the tollway grocery store and grab it in seconds.

Plus, if this idea took off (which I’m sure it would) you could expand it to other types of stores. The money-making possibilities are endless. I don’t want to be too crass (this is a fucking family blog) but can you imagine the profits a drive-through sex shop could make? It would be disturbing.

California I hope you’re reading this, because this idea just might get you out of debt.

MONEY IS LIFE!!!!!! $!$!$!$!

#3: Ed Hardy Menorahs

Everyone loves Ed Hardy and the awesome look all of his different products have. It’s like Jackson Pollock and James Spader from Pretty in Pink banged and their kid exploded all over a bottle of hand sanitizer. Or some school supplies. Or all those amazing shirts you see at the club.

So, with that in mind, I think the timing is right to expand the Ed Hardy craze to the world of religion, and with Chanukah being just around the corner Menorahs seem like a great fit.

Just think about it. This year, instead of putting up that same old, cherished, been-in-your-family-for-three-generations, heirloom Menorah, break out some Ed Hardy shit!

First he (I’m talking about Mr. Hardy here) takes a plain gold Menorah:

Then he squeezes out his amazingness all over it:

Mmmmmmmmm… that is so perfect.

AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR CHANUKAH! YEAH! CALL UP YOUR BRO’S CAUSE IT’S TIME TO LIGHT SOME CANDLES!!!

NEXTYS!

#2: Websites

Do you guys like websites? Yeah?

Well I knew that!

The crazy thing is that it turns out you can make some serious money from websites these days. The guys over at This is why you’re fat and Stuff White People Like have landed book deals, and you know there is a book deal looming for the fine folks behind People of Walmart.

So this got me thinking. What are some other potential websites that might lead to the same level of success? Here’s a list of some of the ones that i came up with:

• www.picturesofmeandmymomridinghorsestogether.com
• www.interestingphotosofmyuncleandyouraunt.com
• www.nakedhangliding4ever.com
• www.dudeswithmustachesridingunicycles.com
• www.whatdidyoueatforbreakfast.com
• www.underwatergenitals.com

Feel free to steal any of these and make a fortune.

$$$$$ GREED $$$$$ YEAH!!!

#1: Wii-nimals

People love to pet animals but hate to clean up after them (especially if they don’t have #5 on this list). So what if I told you that you could get all of the petting-related joy a pet can offer without having to go out and actually buy a dog or a cat? Would you be, like, totally bursting with excitement? Yeah?

WELL GUESS WHAT?!!!? Wii-NIMALS IS HERE!!

Wii-nimals uses all of the amazing motion capture gameplay magic the Wii has to offer and applies it to a new activity — petting animals.

All you have to do is take the specially designed Wii-nimals Petter Accessory (shown below) and gently stroke it until your heart is filled with pet loving wonder. The animal that you are digitally petting can be seen on your TV screen and there are tons of different pets to choose from. With everything from a dog to a hippo (“HEY MOM, I JUST PETTED A HIPPO!”) at your disposal, you’ll be petting like a champ in no time.

You can even challenge your friends to competitive petting games like “Circle of Petz” where each contestant pets their animal as much as they can inside of 60 seconds and the person who gets their pet’s joy meter to rise the fastest wins.

With the heartwarming, family fun of Wii-nimals in your house your whole clan will be petting and stroking in no time.

Uhhhhhhhhhh… yeah, and that’s it.

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That’s all for now. I apologize for the delay. I know all the entrepreneurs out there were hitting refresh like crazy the past few months just hoping for another installment in this series. I’ll try to be more regular in the future because the economy needs me. Yeah.

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Need more untapped money-making ideas? Check it out:

• AUGUST ’09
• JULY ’09
• JUNE ’09
• MAY ’09
• APRIL ’09

Tags: Ed Hardy, fast food, Jewish, shit, tollways, untapped money-making ideas, video games, websites

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 at 10:38 AM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.