In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

I’m back! Today’s shithead isn’t all that economy-focused, but he’s so shitty that he needed a writeup regardless.

Keith Bardwell AKA Piledriver

Keith Bardwell is a justice of the peace in Louisiana who refuses to grant interracial couples a marriage license. He is also a racist fossil.

Yeah, that’s about right.

It all started back on October 6th…

…when Beth Humphrey called JOP Bardwell to ask about getting married to her boyfriend, Terence McKay. Bardwell’s wife answered and, after finding out that they were an interracial couple (Ms. Humphrey is white and Mr. McKay is black), politely informed them that the JOP does not sign off on interracial marriages, and that they should visit a different justice if they want to get married.

Of course, Ms. Humphrey was shocked. But it only got worse from there.

When further clarification was requested from JOP Bardwell about his position on interracial marriages he said this:

“There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage… I think those children suffer and I won’t help put them through it.”

Ohhhhh, so he’s doing it for the kids! What a saint!

He really does have a point though. Children from interracial marriages typically don’t go on to do anything with their lives.

Just look at that Barack Obama guy. What has he ever done?

But he’s not a racist.

Nope! Mr. Bardwell is definitely not a racist. If anything he’s a helpful citizen who just happens to believe that black and white couples shouldn’t have the same simple rights as other couples. When asked about being racist, he said this:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way… I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Piles and piles? Yeah, that’s a really weird way to put it. And I love how he calls out the fact that he lets them use his bathroom. As if the ultimate test of racism is whether or not you’ll let a person of the opposite color use your porcelain throne.

I also like how the wording of that whole quote makes it sound like a couple (be them white or black… BUT NOT interracial) comes to his house, gets married and then goes off for their customary newlywed deuce.

Yeah, this guy really sucks.

And he just keeps on sucking.

This story hit late last week but is only now achieving full hurricane-force shitstorm conditions. Mr. Bardwell has said that he refuses to apologize or resign, despite countless calls for him to do both. He continues to claim that he truly does not see what he has done wrong.

And that is the biggest problem with the whole thing.

If he legitimately can’t see what is wrong with this, then he is a racist. Case closed.

If you refuse to grant a certain group of people the same rights you would grant everyone else, and your only reasoning for doing so is some delusional conclusion you’ve come to after observing an interracial couple here or a half black, half white child there, well then you are a racist. It does not matter how many African Americans use your bathroom. Or how many “piles” of them you have.

In conclusion…

…I hope JOP Bardwell steps down soon and opens up his own janitorial business. That way he can clean bathrooms all day and then proudly watch as both black people and white people use them. He can keep statistics of how many piles of black people use his bathrooms and display them with pride to anyone who calls him a racist.

Plus, he’ll be working right alongside what he knows — shit.

Get your Keith Bardwell shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #11: Carolyn Towns
• #10: Angelo Mozilo
• #9: Teresa Tambunting
• #8: Marcus Schrenker
• #7: The AIG 73
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: Barack Obama, Keith Bardwell, racism, Shithead Trading Cards, youtube

This entry was posted on Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 5:03 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.