An Open Letter to the A$$holes Who Broke into My Place and Stole My $hit.
Posted by breadwinner on October 14th, 2009Dear Assholes:
What’s up thieves? I know we’ve never met, but you seem to have invited yourselves into my home by way of kicking in my front door, so I feel we could and should have a heart-to-heart about some things. I wonder if you have even an inkling of how terribly inconvenient it is to deal with your HOA, insurance adjuster, nosy neighbors, countless police officers, locksmith, alarm company, credit card companies, computer IT folks, handyman, TX Drivers License people, detectives, and an octogenarian finger prints guy all at once? Well, I didn’t until last week when you robbed me. So thanks for that. I sincerely hope someone steals all your shit someday soon so you can experience the joys of crappy customer service across many different companies, all inside a very short time period. Anyway, here’s some more things I’d like to inform you of:
This is Dallas, not Detroit, punks.
You appear to have decided that it would be your “mark” to leave behind a crowbar in my office chair. In fact, you have broken into like eleven homes in our area, leaving a few crowbars on peoples’ beds and whatnot. Just FYI: that’s fucking lame. You left us a fucking crowbar you didn’t even use?! What do you think this is, CSI?! Get a life — or at the very least — get a little more creative.
Y’all are pretty, little girls.
Thanks for taking all of my jewelry. Seriously—it’s going to be a fun fucking time trying to replace all of it considering the fact that I only buy things on sale. 
Hello?! In this economy and with my cheap ass I swear to Marc Jacobs I haven’t bought a piece of full-priced jewelry in decades. And I am willing to bet my insurance adjuster isn’t going to be impressed with my lifetime of thriftiness. I also bet you look really hot in the earrings I wore on my wedding day. Fuckers.
Take my keys … and shove them straight up your ass.
So on your way out of my home carrying a few laptops, all my jewelry, my handbag, iPhone, wallet, etc. you decided to snag my car keys off the hook near the door as well. Thanks for that little cherry on top of my shit sundae. Either you intended to return to my place and just kindly let yourself in, or you really liked my Kid Robot key chain, or you intended to come back later to steal my car. Well, the key chain is your only win there, friend, because the keys have been deactivated and my home and mailbox have been locksmithicized to the max. That’s right, LOCKSMITHICIZED.
In summary, I think as a victim of a burglary I’ve kept my cool throughout most of the seemingly endless cleanup process — except perhaps for a teensy little freakout after an unfortunate jerk-of-an-insurance-rep didn’t give me the answer I was looking for — but just in case, I’ve given myself some time to cool out on this before I decided to write to you. Turns out I’m still pretty pissed, and I still hate y’all. I also hope you get caught. Or shot. It’s whatever. Anyway, that’s why I’ll be sending, via facsimile, a pretty little collage of sweet pics of all my stolen shit to all the pawn shops in Texas, courtesy of my new friend at the pawn unit of the Dallas Police. When you pawn my things, they’ll hunt your asses down. So be sure to smile pretty for those security cameras, bitches.
And with that, I will conclude my letter to you, oh sweet baby assholes who stole my shit.
Sincerely,
breadwinner
Oh, and if you’re NOT one of my very special thieves, you may follow me on Twitter. Thanks.
Tags: assholes, break-in, burglary, cops, crowbar, economy, HOA, open letter, stole, thieves
First off, my condolences. Being one who has had his precious assets thieved upon (xbox), I know the feeling of anger rage and pissedoffedness.
I only hope these fuckers pawn your shit. A friend of mine had his guitars, amp, other expensive musical equipment stolen. And here’s the kicker, it was from one of his step-cousins. Anyways he called pawn shops and had the registration numbers to prove ownership and got 100% of back. My heart goes out to you, good luck, and fuck thieves.
Hey crowbar bandits!
I hope you guys put all your stolen loot in a closet and then I hope that that closet gets stuck or jammed and then I hope you can’t get into it because you threw all of your crowbars onto the ground of the people’s houses you stole from.
Fuckers.
I want my crowbar back.
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