In This Economy?

It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.

Today I’m going to rant pointlessly about:

Halloween Costumes That Accentuate Your Penis

It is the eighth of October. Halloween is quickly approaching, and with it comes the pressure of finding a costume.

Do you go for a sexy costume? Maybe a funny one? Maybe a classy one?

Oh! Or how about one that draws tons of attention to your penis?

YEAH! THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!

Last year I purchased a banana costume and wore it on Halloween. It was a classic look. Strangely however, it was during my search for this banana costume that I stumbled upon an entire world of costumes that are designed to accentuate the banana in your pants.

These costumes (or as I call them: cockstumes) are supposed to be funny, but they’re really just stupid, pathetic, sad and stupid. Check out some examples:

EXAMPLE ONE: Snake Charmer Dick Snake Flute Blower Man Costume

You see he’s a snake charmer, but the snake is in his pants. The snake is like his penis and when he plays his flute thing it springs into action. I can only assume the balls are like two turtles or something.

I may be giving this one too much thought.

I just hope the costume actually comes with that sweet necklace.

Next example!

EXAMPLE TWO: Big Dick Pants Tent Circus Man Costume

Ok, let’s break this one down.

This cockstume consists of a circus tent facade thing that surrounds your crotch area. Then, inside this tent thing, there is what appears to be a gray faux penis. It almost looks robotic. Or bionic. Or both. Roboionic.

In fact, I’m not sure if there is any sort of a mechanism that makes the gray robot faux dick pop out on command, but that would definitely be a plus.

Yeah, no.

Seriously, who the fuck would ever wear this?

Wow. Ok, one more.

EXAMPLE THREE: Fireman Dick Hose Tiny Axe Hero Man Costume

“I’m a fireman! But the hose I’m going to use to put out fires is my long hose-like penis! HAHAHAHA! What’s that? You’re on fire? Let me hose you down with my hilarious dick hose! HAHAHAHAH!”

This is awful. And that tiny axe looks almost as stupid as that big gold crayon coming out of his pants.

Sigh…

–

I get it. I really do. These cockstumes are supposed to be funny. But think of them for a second (and this isn’t all of them, go HERE for more awful costumes… and some reasonably priced banana suits) and imagine wearing one on Halloween.

You walk into a party. Everyone laughs once and only once. Then you go about your business. You grab a beer and close the fridge door on your fake snake dick. You go up to talk to a girl and accidentally poke her in the eye with your fire hose weiner. You try to do a keg stand but wind up slapping yourself in the face with your own fake cockstume penis, which is bound to be a mind-scarring experience. In the end it’s clear that your unfortunate costume choice is getting in the way of everything you try to do.

And worst of all, you’ll forever be branded as “that dude, who probably has a tiny dick, who wore the awful penis costume”.

It won’t go well at all. It really won’t.

And honestly, with all the other awesome costumes that are out there, buying one of these cockstumes is just a waste of money.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Enjoy it.

–

Previously on Waste of Money:

• LivePrayer.com Birther Contributions
• Personal Urns from Cremation Solutions
• Axe Body Spray
• Olive Garden
• Creed Concert Tickets
• Harem Pants
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• Creed’s New Album
• Rollerblades
• The Beatles Remastered Catalog
• George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
• Fast & Furious
• Snugglette
• Truck Nuts

Tags: Halloween, idiots, penis, waste of money

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 8th, 2009 at 9:42 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.