In This Economy?

It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.

Today I’m going to rant pointlessly about:

Personal Urns from Cremation Solutions

Yikes.

Yes, that thing you see up there that looks like one of the principal characters in The Polar Express is an urn. And yes, the company Cremation Solutions wants to sell you one of these one-of-a-kind facial replicas to store the ashes of your deceased loved ones.

Is this a good idea? No.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally in favor of making money by inventing new products (Check out THIS SERIES for proof of that), but this thing is just too much. Let me explain:

It looks pretty bad

The example shown above just doesn’t look real good. It looks, at best, like a digitally animated character in a movie (like THIS GUY from The Polar Express) and at worst, well, like something your kid brings home after art camp.

Now if we were talking about something less important (like a cookie jar… yum), I wouldn’t be so critical, but this thing is supposed to serve as a tribute to your dead loved one. Oh, and we haven’t even discussed the issue of the hair.

Here’s what Cremation Solutions says about hair for your Personal Urn:

“The personal urn does not come with hair. For hair we can digitally add hair if you wish, or wigs can be used.”

Uhhhhh, digitally add hair? Is it going to look as awesome as that beard? Yeah, that’s not a great idea.

All of this brings me to my next point…

It’s creepy as shit

If the image up there didn’t freak you out just check out this one:

Yeah. The shit just got real. Now imagine that thing sitting on a coffee table, or up on your mantle. Forever checking you out with those dead eyes and that stippled goatee. Gah, I’m freaking myself out just typing this. And these are all shown without a wig. The wig is REALLY going to up the creepo factor.

Imagine this: You go on a first date with someone. It’s going well. Your date invites you back to their place for a drink. You accept. Back at your date’s apartment you scan the room while they “slip into something more comfortable”. Everything checks out except the random mannequin head sitting on the table next to the TV. Yeah, that thing is odd, but in a cool, “I stole a mannequin’s head when I was in college and now I keep it around to remind me of the good old days when I was crazy and young and vibrant” kind of way. After a bit more time staring into the head’s vacant eyes you silently shuffle over to it for a closer look. When you get up to it you realize it’s got a wig on. That’s odd. You reach out to feel the texture and the wig slides off revealing a crack around the top of the head. Did this mannequin have a lobotomy? What the hell is going on? By now your curiosity is calling the shots so you reach out and take the top of the head off. This reveals the ashes of an actual dead person that are residing inside. You’re not sure if they are ashes until your date, who is now done slipping into something more comfortable (a plastic, blood-stained raincoat), reappears to tell you that those “ashes belong to the last person I dated”. You scream. A lot. And probably piss yourself. The End.

The moral of that (overly long) story is that disembodied heads are creepy, no matter what purpose they may serve.

Bleh.

It’s expensive

These Personal Urns come in two sizes. There’s the full size version, which retails for $2,600 (WTF!?!?!) and the “Keepsake” size, which is about one fourth the size of the full size. The shrunken head size retails for only $600 a piece.

If you’re thinking about getting one of these, I would highly recommend you just go out and buy a coffee can, fill it with the ashes and paste a good picture of your loved one on it. It’ll serve the same purpose and cost you far less.

This whole thing just has me feeling icky. Good health and good fortune to you all.

–

Previously on Waste of Money:

• Axe Body Spray
• Olive Garden
• Creed Concert Tickets
• Harem Pants
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• Creed’s New Album
• Rollerblades
• The Beatles Remastered Catalog
• George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
• Fast & Furious
• Snugglette
• Truck Nuts

Tags: creepy, Cremation Solutions, heads, urns, waste of money

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 at 4:23 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.