In This Economy?

I cannot say how I came upon this website. You may have heard of it, www.neimanmarcus.com? It’s a beautiful place full of gilded opulence where insanely rich and just plain insane people shop, or at least that’s what I found out, while visiting their clearance area online. If this is clearance, then a NY porterhouse is the same thing as that “steak” you order at Denny’s that comes with a side of eggs. If this is a clearance, then a Rolex is about the same thing as a Swatch. Which is fundamentally true, actually, when you really think about it. But that’s beside the point. I wanted to share a few of the fantastic finds* I discovered in this laughable “clearance” area of NeimanMarcus.com. I sincerely hope you enjoy making fun of rich people in this economy as much as I do.

*Note: The below images are from the actual Neiman Marcus website, and I assume they are copyrighted. Do NOT get ITE sued by Neiman Marcus. Our lawyers will freak. OUT.

The “Santa Fe Santa” Figurine

Ho Ho Hwhat the hell am I wearing?!

This particular item was chosen not for its price (because $63 is down right cheap, compared to most of the shit they’re hocking at NM), but for its incredibly untimely and regionally specific qualities. It’s nowhere near December, and yet there are rich folks in Santa Fe, New Mexico who are going to be so fucking stoked to find out that the opulently decorated Santa Claus figurine they’ve always wanted is on sale at Neiman Marcus. So very cultural! And it’s $31 off! What a steal. And what a stocking stuffer! For less than $10 more, be sure to secure your very own “Spice Market” Santa, who carries an Elephant he most likely bought from “some Chinaman” in “the Orient.”

The Maitland Smith Console Table

It's almost September, start saving up for Christmas and medical bills!

I now present to you… the table you’ll want to stub your toe on for the rest of your life. That’s literally the first thing I thought of once I spotted this beauty. And the thing about stubbing your toe, or really, breaking your toe, is that there’s not much that can be done about it once you do it. There’s no pinky toe surgery, re-setting, cast or anything like that. You’re just a poor son-of-a-bitch with a broken toe feeling like a complete idiot for misjudging your personal space and walking into a behemoth-of-a-table. Imagine this were that table. NOW how stupid do you feel? You paid $2800 for a fucking toe liability! This is why we can’t have nice things.

The “Noah’s Ark” Chaise

I think the tassles are my favorite part. So classy.

I don’t even fucking know what this is. But I do know this: 1) it may be the ugliest piece of furniture I’ve ever seen, and 2) it’s been identified here as being related to the biblical Noah’s Ark and/or the stuffed animal chain known as Noah’s Ark. Either way, your cat will piss on it. Don’t waste your $2,584.90.

The Lladro Naturofantastic Bowl

It's NATUROFANTASTIC! Sounds like a Chinese-Italian-Mexican buffet...

Now, because my mom is a fan of his work, I happen to know that Lladro is a famous porcelain designer and I must assume that’s why the decorative bowl/candy dish seen here costs just short of a grand. But I’ve got to say this: If I am paying $1000 for a gilded bowl, it had better fucking be a toilet, OK? What the hell is inside this thing? Pears and figs? They don’t even look like they come from Harry and David!! It better come with the keys to a really nice hotel room with a really nice prostitute in it for that hefty price tag. Just sayin’.

The “Rose” Tapered Pedestals

Collect them all!!

I am LOVING the use of quotation marks here. But back to the piece at hand. “They look kind of like gravestones, in a way,” according to Drocolate. Yeah, the gravestone of your sense of style, because anyone who puts these in their house obviously sports a socks-and-mandals combo and owns a white tiger. Burn! These things are just objects; giant paperweights whose only possible function could be to hold up some sort of plant and/or dead, cremated and urned remains of a loved one. At the price of these babies — the set ranges from a mere $579.90 to a 90-incher for $839.90 plus a delivery/processing fee of up to $300 — you could hire an immigrant worker —nay— a FAMILY of immigrant workers (for the whole set of course) to physically hold up the house plant/remains during dinner parties and actually save money all told. How impressed would your rich friends be if they saw that at your next soiree!? AND it’s good for the economy because it creates jobs!

The “Ethan Tabriz” Rug

Would someone please pee on this for me? Thanks!

And lastly, I’d like to turn your attention to the most expensive item currently on clearance in the “Home and Entertaining” section of NeimanMarcus.com. Without further ado, it’s a rug! A rug that would run you $8,000. It looks like any other yellowish, greenish Persian rug you’d see wherever, hanging outside The Dump or in your average Coen Brothers flick. Actually, the Dude’s rug might actually be worth eight grand to a loving fan. Who knows. Maybe somebody famous pisses on this rug at the NM warehouse before it ships to you for up to $400 in delivery/processing fees. Maybe that’s who “Ethan Tabriz” is. I don’t know, I’ve never heard of him.

The End

So regal...

I so hope you’ve enjoyed this first edition of Stuff I Found On Sale. Now, get shopping!

Follow breadwinner on Twitter, free of charge.

Tags: clearance, lebowski, neiman marcus, neimanmarcus.com, rich, sale, tacky

This entry was posted on Monday, August 24th, 2009 at 5:30 PM and is filed under Deals & Free Stuff, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.