79 things that I heard are in Obama’s healthcare reform bill
Posted by drocolate on August 20th, 2009NOTE: If you don’t have a good idea of what satire is, don’t bother reading this.
Hey guys!
Listen, I just got word from a friend of mine that knows a guy who has a relative that used to date a former member of congress’ secretary’s kid’s sister’s 3rd grade teacher, that Obama’s healthcare reform bill is full of TOTALLY CRAZY stuff!
So now, like a real American who is concerned about freedom and guns and stuff but doesn’t want to take the time to actually get informed, I’m going to pass this stuff on to you guys as fact!
Let’s get started. These aren’t in any order of importance because they are all equally important.
1. Obama wants to bring back Jus Primae Noctis. For reals. Lock up your daughters.
2. Under his plan, homeless people will be entitled to wealthy people’s kidneys — even if said kidneys are still in their bodies!
3. Pubic hair tax. And it’s quality based, not quantity.
4. There will be tax breaks for cannibals. WTF?!?!
5. Leeches are going to be really huge in the future under this plan.
6. Cupping is also going to make a big comeback.
7. Sex is going to be illegal with this plan, and you’ll need a license to have a kid. And if the kid is a boy you have to pay more taxes. Or something.
8. Get ready for a Skittles Tax!
9. And a Sprite tax. But 7 Up will be tax free for some reason.
10. Obama wants to take everyone in America’s guns and melt them down and use all that metal to create robots, which will then be used to replace doctors. These robot doctors will do twice as much work as human doctors and they’ll work for free. Unfortunately, they will probably become self aware at some point and start wearing do rags, and then we’ll all be screwed when they start purposefully botching normally simple procedures.
11. Lasers.
12. Professional eating is going to be outlawed. Which totally sucks!
13. There is going to be credit card swiper things installed on doctor’s belts, so that they can charge you as they go with a simple swipe of your Med-Cred card.* (see #21)
14. Old people are going to be taxed. A lot. And not just money. Pounds of flesh will also be required.
15. Fictional characters are going to get taxed like crazy. Characters like Ugly Betty and Nash Bridges (on DVD) will have to take out second mortgages just to cover the insane rates.
16. Stem cells are going to be a required part of everyone’s morning meal. Gross!
17. All food is going to double in price.
18. Actually the word “food” will be replaced with “Obama Approved Tummy Fillerz” or “OATF”.
19. July is going to be OATF rationing month. There will be a yearly contest to see who can eat the least during the seventh month. The winner will get some fuzzy dice.
20. The public healthcare plan is going to be known as “The Plan”, “Barry’s Plan” or “The TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDICINE NOW AND LIKE IT PLAN”.
21. *All normal currency will be replaced with the Med-Cred medical credit system. In order to earn credits people will have to complete challenges like running a mile or shaving their head or donating blood or eating an orange or reporting their neighbors as Med-Pirates.** (see #45)
22. Death Panels. Duh.
23. Oranges will become the national food of America.
24. A photo of an orange will be placed on the American flag, in between the eleventh and twelfth stripes. Obama loves oranges.
25. Peg legs will make a comeback. They’re affordable. They will, however, not be directly related to the Med-Pirates.**
26. We’re not going to be able to bury our dead anymore. After a loved one passes away, government agents will sweep in immediately and take the body away for “mutant testing”.
27. Illegal immigrants are going to not only be given free care. They’re going to be made honorary doctors.
28. We are all going to have to buy crypto insurance. That shit is everywhere. No pun intended.
29. U.T.I.’s will not be covered by this plan. Ouch.
30. Cancer will not be covered by this plan. At all.
31. Prescription meds will no longer be handed out in convenient bottles. Instead people will have to go to the pharmacy every time they need a pill and have a new pharmacy employee (known as a pill-eating-associate) give it to them.
32. The Obama-abase is real.*** (see #61)
33. There is going to a major budget cut in the “keeping medical instruments clean” division of medicine, so don’t be shocked if you get cut into with a dirty scalpel.
34. Med school is going to be replaced with ER on DVD. The characters on ER will get a tax break as a result.
35. A new Olympic games will start up called the “Elderly Olympics” or “OLDympics”. At first it will be looked at as a great way to promote fitness for the older set, but it will later be revealed that the whole thing is nothing more than a scheme created by Obama to kill off seniors through physically demanding activities. DASTARDLY!
36. Lice will not be covered with this plan.
37. Marijuana will be legalized and most of the country’s younger people will immediately become disgusting hippies as a result.
38. Cocaine will also be legalized.
39. As will Jenkem.
40. Mechanics will be brought in to replace doctors at the last minute (due to the medical rush**** [see #70]). These mechanics are going to work hard to do doctorly stuff but they won’t be able to forget their roots and some car/human hybrids will be born from the chaos. I know it seems unbelievable, but it’s true.
41. Car/human hybrids will NOT qualify for medical care under Obama’s plan.
42. After being outlawed, Viagra will become currency in certain shady areas of the country.
43. Oh yeah, Viagra and all other E.D. treatments will be outlawed. No reason will be given.
44. Obama wants to burn books. Not just medical books. All books. He hates reading! And learning!
45. **Anyone caught providing medical care at an affordable, off-plan price will be deemed a Med-Pirate and will be killed. In public. On TV.
46. Obama is going to put anabolic steroids into all of the nation’s water supplies so we “can get real strong”.
47. Obama got the framework for his healthcare plan from Hitler’s little-known Nazi healthcare plan. The story goes like this: Obama was searching a secret tomb in Germany when he stumbled upon a dusty document. The document happened to be Hitler’s final draft of “Nazi-Care: Taking care of the Aryan you!”. Obama loved it and brought it back to America. He then renamed it and is now trying to force it down our throat holes.
48. Related to #47: Under the Obama plan, being Jewish will be considered a pre-existing condition and will result in all care for Jewish folks being revoked. Harsh.
49. Plastic surgery will be free with this plan.
50. Dudes in Indiana will be required to get boob jobs because 1.) they’re free and 2.) Obama thinks dudes in Indiana with boob jobs are hilarious!
51. A teeth tax. You pay per tooth.
52. Obama is really into voodoo medicine so things like “rub a snake on it” and “drink some muddy river water” will become commonly prescribed treatments.
53. Human cloning is a go.
54. We’re going to start sending the majority of our medicine to Africa because that’s where Obama was born. We will still have medicine here in America but a lot more of it will be offbrand. Things like Glaritin (instead of Claritin) and Boodafed (instead of Sudafed) will become common. Boodafed will also become a go-to ingredient in Crystal Meth.
55. The Obama healthcare plan will be 100% behind assisted suicide for anyone. Feeling a little sad? Call Obama and he’ll help you kill yourself.
56. This plan wants to send sick people to the moon to help build the Obama-dome.***** (see #77)
57. Did I mention that sex would be outlawed?
58. Obama has a sick infatuation with mutants. He wants to create a crab/dolphin hybrid and sell it’s meat to other countries. It’s the crux of his economic policy!
59. Mold will become a food OATF group.
60. All types of doctors (pediatricians, neurosurgeons, anesthesiologists, veterinarians, etc.) will all be renamed simply “doctor”. This is because Obama has a hard time spelling those other, bigger words and wants to simplify things.
61. ***The Obama-abase is a database of everything about everyone in America and beyond. The only person who has access to it is Barack Obama. It is also known as the Godputer.
62. The Godputer is real.
63. Polio will be heavily covered in the new plan because Obama gets compared to FDR a lot.
64. Lip discs will be required of all 14-17 year old girls in Southern Minnesota. And like #50, the only reasoning given is because “the President thinks it’s pretty funny”.
65. In addition to death panels, there will be life panels. Newborns will be interviewed for hours about the impact they think they might make. If they flunk the interview, well, yeah.
66. Abortions are going to be encouraged under the Obama plan. 2 for 1 deals will become commonplace.
67. Obama is going to have a clause placed into the bill that enables him to step into any medical procedure at any time and take over. So if Obama is driving through Virginia and he wants to stop off at the hospital and remove someone’s tumor, he can, and no one can do anything to stop him. Unfortunately, Barack has no medical experience so most of his patients die. Horribly.
68. All medical records up to this point will be burned. With all the books. (see #44)
69. Due to a fabricated toilet paper shortage created by the government to save money, Camp Ass will sweep the nation in pandemic proportions. Camp Ass will not be covered by the Obama plan.
70. ****A “medical rush” is going to take place right after the bill is passed. This is exactly what it sounds like. Everyone runs to their local hospital and demands to get their free care. This creates chaos and crazy things have to happen as a result. Things like mechanics being drafted as doctors (#40), people being sent to “Circus Transformational Career-ial Camps” (#73) and a sickening crypto outbreak.
71. A.I.D.S. will be called a lie under the plan. Any reference to it will be laughed off. HAHAHAHA! A.I.D.S.!
72. Because lice will not be covered under the plan (see #36), most people will be bald.
73. “Circus Transformational Career-ial Camps” are going to be set up all over America. These camps will take people with weird ailments and turn them into professional circus freaks. At the camps they will learn things like miming and pie throwing, and then after a short time will be tossed out into one of several government run freak-shows located around the country. They will never be allowed to leave.
74. Scurvy will not be covered under this plan.
75. Scabies will also not be covered.
76. Rabies, however, will be covered. But only in horses.
77. *****The Obama-Dome is Obama’s moon base. He’s going to enslave sick people by promising them healthcare in exchange for labor, and use them to create the dome. Once the dome is complete he will move the entire White House up into the dome and play on his Godupter while he starts construction on his Obama-Photon-Gun.****** (see #78)
78. ******The Obama-Photon-Gun is a giant energy cannon Obama wants to build so he can become the destroyer of worlds. He’s going to use his sick-slaves to build this after they are done building his Obama-Dome moon base.
79. And finally, under this plan sex will be outlawed.
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So yeah, as you can see this shit is serious. Seriously hilarious.
Don’t believe the bullshit.
If you’re interested in healthcare do some research. Start HERE. If you still have strong feelings after you’ve heard from some rational people, then express them. Just don’t spread lies. And stop bringing guns to town hall debates. What the hell is that all about?
Ok, I’m done.
Tags: Barack Obama, idiots, lists, medicine, satire
I thought sex was already outlawed. That’s what the women I date tell me.
they may be right. are their voices muffled?
Cupping is fantastic. Have you even ever been to an acupuncturist? Jeez…
While I appreciate the comedy, now try a serious note and explain 100 realistic benefits of the plan.
Do I have to list 100?
I once saw this internet video called Two Girls, One Cupping. NOT COOL.
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