WASTE OF MONEY: Axe Body Spray
Posted by drocolate on August 4th, 2009It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.
Today I’m going to rant pointlessly about:
Axe Body Spray
I don’t like Axe Body Spray. Here’s why:
1. It’s contributing to a general lack of hygiene amongst dudes
Thanks in large part to Axe’s sexy/controversial/sometimes awesome ads, there is an ever-growing population of teenage boys, frat dudes and others that think it’s a good idea to pass on the morning shower and simply spray themselves down with a can of Axe. I guess they think that smelling like an aerosol version of a taxicab air freshener is a good way to meet the ladies.
Unfortunately for them (and for anyone around them), masked B.O. is pretty easy to detect.
Just think about it like this: If you spray Febreeze on a piece of shit, it’s still going to smell like a piece of shit. But if you wash that piece of shit with soap in the shower it will smell like… uh, maybe this analogy doesn’t work. Yeah.
I just want people to take showers and use soap and shampoo. Not body spray.
2. It’s flammable.
Back in April some geniuses decided to start a fire using some cans of Axe. The story doesn’t note it, but I have no doubt that these dudes smelled AWESOME!
They dropped two cans of Axe into a bucket with some lighter fluid and fireworks and lit it up. Naturally, because they were geniuses, they were shocked at how enormous the fire that followed was. The lead genius, a 17-year-old named Cyrus, summed it up:
“The fire got really big. We tried to put it out and that’s when the cops came.”
This story is just one example of an entirely different Axe Effect than the one that Axe likes to advertise. There are more than 200 videos on youtube showing kids (that smell AWESOME) starting Axe fires. A lot of them are even setting themselves on fire. Here’s an example:
How fucking bad ass was that!?
Here’s one more I want to include, but only because of the seemingly dead girl laying next to the toilet being totally ignored. She must be drunk on the AWESOME smell of Axe! Check it out:
So rad.
I wonder if Axe is going to capture the smell of burnt flesh for a new spray. They could call it “Scar Tissue”. Yeah, that’s sounds about right.
3. You can’t spray it on your cat if your cat stinks.
I’m going to defer entirely to an amazing question a dude, who undoubtedly smells AWESOME, posed to Yahoo! Answers.
Check it out HERE.
4. Stupid names.
I’m going to close out with this one. Below is a sampling from a list of past and present names that Axe has used. I’m not making this up. I’m copying it from some Wiki that was probably written by a dude who was making it up.
Ok, here’s some of my favs:
Kilo, Orion, Tsunami (too soon), Pulse, Essence, Clix, Vice, Unlimited (even though it was only available for a limited time), Dark Temptation, 3, Shock and Alaska.
No those are not the names of WNBA teams. And they’re not the names of Sarah Palin’s brood.
They’re the names of Axe scents. I wonder what Alaska smells like…
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That’s all I’ve got.
Axe is a waste of money because it’s a stupidly named product that can burn you and hurt your cat. It’s also not a worthy substitute for a shower, which is, like, a total bummer.
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Previously on Waste of Money:
- Olive Garden
- Creed Concert Tickets
- Harem Pants
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine
- Creed’s New Album
- Rollerblades
- The Beatles Remastered Catalog
- George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
- Fast & Furious
- Snugglette
- Truck Nuts
Tags: Axe Body Spray, idiots, waste of money, youtube
It’s like college all over again
This story is semi-dedicated to high Jade.
Axe is the male version of FDS.
I don’t wear Axe because I’m trying to preserve my virginity.
Someone take me to Wal-Mart so I can pick up some Clix and buy an X-BOX game.
A guy I used to work with had some Axe at work. I think he used it to hide the smell of cigarettes or something.
Thing is, he spilled it all over the carpet. The resulting Axe vapor had half the building practically convulsing. Eyes watering, noses running, lungs burning.
If Axe had been around during WWI, soldiers would have hurled it into enemy trenches.
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