Where Are They Now? The Gov. Mark Sanford Edition
Posted by SurlyZ on July 20th, 2009Remember South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford?
No?
But you do remember the endless string of celebrities who died last month. And you remember that there was a link connecting all of them. And you remember that the link was an unrepentant serial killer who is still on the loose.
Gov. Mark Sanford after doing long division and getting a remainder.
Well, that serial killer is Mark Sanford.
Anyway, the the last time we checked in with Gov. Sanford, he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail,” which if you follow it to its southernmost point, you’ll find yourself in the untamed jungles of an Argentine vagina.
We all thought that would be the end of it — his personal life shattered, his political career doomed.
But the bastard keeps making news. So here are a couple updates just so you know his dickishness is fully intact.
First-class liar
When Sanford first ran for governor, he criticized elected officials for their expensive travel arrangements on the taxpayers’ tab. Yet, the Associated Press reports that since November 2005 Sanford has spent $37,600 in state funds on first- and business-class flights, including a trip to Brazil to, as the AP phrases it, “fuck his ho.”
This led to one state senator expressing this opinion: “I reckon he’s a hypocrite.”
We reckon so too.
Sometimes you have to cheat to win
In a guest column in South Carolina’s The State (what the elders call a “newspaper”), Sanford apologizes for the thousandth time as if trying to convince himself that he’s being sincere.
This time he compares the fallout from his tryst, deception and misappropriation of funds to his funeral. For “it is at your funeral that you in many ways not only can see most clearly the things that really matter in life, but also get the best glimpse of who your real friends are — and how much they matter.”
He also lets everyone know there’s nothing to worry about. God is taking care of everything. And he says “this will make me a better father, husband, friend and advocate.”
ITE‘s linguistic experts believe this means that every person in a relationship needs to take some time for personal reflection — and to screw around on their significant other in order to build character.
Moral majority of the story
And thus, Sanford deftly countered the argument that infidelity and divorce are a threat to marriage. We all know, as well as the Sanford family, that the real enemy is those damn gays.*
*Read more of TheDiscust.com here.
Tags: Argentina, douchebag, first class, funeral, Gov. Mark Sanford, homosexuals, infidelity, luxury, South Carolina, TheDiscust.com
wondering if “hiking the Appalachian Trail” will become an euphemism for having an affair?
He’s not done murdering.
R.I.P. Walter Cronkite.
and Frank McCourt.
For the record, my Argentine vagina joke was published many hours before Jon Stewart’s almost word-for-word joke premiered on The Daily Show. He’ll be speaking with the ITE lawyers before this week is done.