In This Economy?

In this economy, it’s hard to find the disposable income to buy a good sex toy. My fellow ITE staffers complain daily about the skyrocketing price of anal beads.

So it’s understandable that some people would try to liven up the action with household items instead of their normal high-end paraphernalia.

But I think I will go out on a limb here and say that guns should be off limits.

Guns don’t kill people; sex with guns kills people

Sexy gun

A Houston woman is accused of manslaughter in the death of her boyfriend after shooting him in the chest during a sexual foreplay game she called “dirty cowboy.”

Because this is a serious and sad story, I won’t make a joke about how her gun went off before his. But I do wonder which person was the alleged dirty cowboy. And why did they use a gun and not, say, a cowboy hat or a lariat? Or a horse?

And what kind of gun were they using? Was it a handgun like the one pictured above? Personally, I wouldn’t want to involve anything that made me feel inadequate. Surely there are guns to accommodate all shapes and sizes of sexual partners.

SurlyZ-friendly sex toy

Practical alternatives

The real point is that there are so many better and safer undiscovered sex aides in the average home. Here are a few suggestions that will keep you out of those overpriced dildo shoppes — and just might keep you alive:

1. Cell phones
Obviously. They vibrate. Get all your friends to call during the time you plan to have sex. (This also counts as an orgy, for the next time you take a purity test.)

2. Mixer
Self-explanatory.*

3. Crisco
Lather up. It’s like trying to catch a greased pig. And have sex with it.

Say what?

4. Pets and peanut butter
Good lord, I’m going to be sick.

[Vomit break.]

5. The Bible
Nothing gets people hot and bothered like a story from the Bible. It has everything: sex, infidelity, prostitutes, Sodom, Gomorrah, animal sacrifice, rods, staffs, burning bushes, etc. The book also makes a good paddle.

If none of that works, do what the rest of us do to alleviate sexual frustration: Blog.

*I’m being told this is not self-explanatory.

Tags: accidental shooting, Crisco, dirty cowboy, foreplay, Gomorrah, gun, Houston, sex, Sodom, The Bible

This entry was posted on Friday, July 10th, 2009 at 1:44 PM and is filed under WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.