In This Economy?

Gov. Sanford pokes self in the eye to whip up tears.

Nice try, Gov. Mark “Sabotage” Sanford. You really pulled out all the stops to prevent us from writing this piece. I hope you similarly pulled out of your Argentine girlfriend.

First, you almost got lucky when Ed McMahon died, which allowed you to try to ride back into the States under the cover of his corpse. But that didn’t work. You needed a bigger celebrity death to distract the nation from your family values malfunction.

You knew Farrah Fawcett teetered on the brink of extinction, and you thought no one would be suspicious if she died. So you decided to commit murder. But after you put her out of her misery, you didn’t see a nation in tears. You saw a bunch of guys masturbating to the pics of young Farrah that were being shown on the news. And their frenzied sexual state caused them to pay more attention to your story, licking their chops in anticipation of delectably lurid details.

Keep it in your pants, ITE readers.

So, as these things tend to do, the snowball effect began, and you went straight for the big cheese: Michael. You killed the King of Pop, and the next thing you knew, the world came to a standstill. Iran was off the front page. You were off the front page. ITE’s site crash wasn’t even buried on an inside page. You succeeded in the biggest political diversion since Richard Nixon murdered Sharon Tate (you heard it here first). Which makes it all the more bewildering why you offed Billy Mays. Killing D-listers seems so unnecessary.

And speaking of ITE’s site problems, it seems a little convenient that we started having issues right about the time this post was started last week. Who are you, sir, that you would dare try to silence the voice of citizen journalism?

Well, guess fucking what? You ain’t silenced shit. We’re still here. And we’ll outlast you. We waited until the dust to dust and ashes to ashes settled, and now we’re bringing Sexy Sanford back.

5 Things Gov. Sanford Was Actually Doing When He Was M.I.A.

5. Hiking the Appalachian Trail. And what happens when you hike that trail? You’re kidnapped by hillbillies and used as a guinea pig for their experiments with teleportation. We’ve seen it a thousand times. It’s impressive that these Sons of the Soil are on the cutting-edge of quantum mechanics, but they’re still filthy pig-fuckers.

4. Researching his role as Eva Perón’s mysterious, long-lost twin brother. There’s a good chance he was cast in the sequel to Evita, tentatively titled Evita 2: You’re a Bunch of Cry-Babies, Argentina. We’ll watch it as many times as we watched the original: zero.

3. Hating Jews. Argentina was a well-known refuge for Nazis after World War II, and since then, the country has been a top vacation destination for anti-Semites who need a friendly place to experiment with new epithets. We’re not saying Sanford is for sure an anti-Semite. We just think it would be more acceptable to his political party to be engaging in good old-fashioned bigotry rather than super-hot ‘n’ spicy Latin sex.

2. Getting a sex change in preparation for his 2012 run for the U.S. presidency. We all know it’s going to take something other than a white male for the Republicans to win back the White House. But Bobby Jindal is creeping out America. And Michael Steele sealed his fate by pledging a “hip-hop makeover.” Because there’s nothing Republicans love more than hip-hop. Oh wait. My mistake.

1. Having sex with his “soul mate” while at the same time trying to fall back in love with his wife. Strike that. That’s way too preposterous. Can we get someone to rewrite this one? It’s — what? Really? We’re getting reports that this is Sanford’s official story. That’s fucked up.

Fellow ITE writer Breadwinner contributed to this report.

Tags: Argentina, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Gov. Mark Sanford, lists, Michael Jackson, murder, sex, soul mate, South Carolina, White House

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 at 9:55 AM and is filed under Humor, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.