In This Economy?

In the past few days the ITE offices have been awash with reports of unique and interesting resume sightings.

First we saw the resume t-shirt. And the billboard resume (stylopolitan?). Then we got word yesterday from ITE reader @agardina that a dude was walking around in downtown Dallas with a sign that said “Summer Job Needed: A&M Business Student.” We also got pointed towards THIS by two different readers — @enoch11 and J. And then this morning we got an email from a dude who’s trying to find his friend a job using a creative tumblr site. Check it out HERE.

And somebody hire that chick. Please.

But none of that is the point of this post.

The point of this post is to present all of the job seekers out there with five brand new ways to get their resume out there. These are all things that are untested, but, in this economy, you have to take some risks to get some rewards.

So without further adieu, let’s get into it.

#5: Resume toilet paper

People always talk about how they do some of their best thinking while they’re in the bathroom. So, using this bit of intelligence, it only makes sense that the best place to have your resume is in that bathroom with them.

This is where the resume toilet paper comes in. Simply go out and get your resume printed on a roll of toilet paper. Make it the nice stuff. None of that one-ply bullshit. Sneak into the HR department of companies that you know are hiring and switch out the TP in the bathroom with your new branded roll.

A few extra tips on this one:

• Keep the resume brief. You won’t have too long to make an impression. If it’s not vital leave it off. No one cares that you were the president of your high school’s key club, so ditch it.
• Getting into an HR department can sometimes be hard, so think about other tactics to get in like working in conjunction with existing employees or custodial staff.
• Target each roll to a specific HR employee. There is nothing more creepy engaging than sitting down on the porcelain throne and seeing an addressed square of TP to your right.

After that, just sit back and watch your phone explode with offers!

#4: The great wallet switch

This one is a classic. I can’t take credit for coming up with it. I heard it a long time ago and now I’m merely passing it on to all of you. It’s legendary.

I’m going to break it down into steps. Follow them closely and say hello to success.

1. Target a company you want to work for. Using the Internet and other more badass surveillance techniques identify the top dog of said company. It may be a CEO, creative director or simply a manager. Get a headshot of them. Preferably with them facing directly forward.

2. Create a fake drivers license out of your newly downloaded/developed headshot. The more realistic the better.

3. Put said fake ID in a common looking wallet.

4. Fill the other credit card and money slots in the wallet with info about you. A shrunken resume, some creative samples of your work and reference info.

5. Go into the lobby of the target company and use the restroom. After a minute or two come out and hand the wallet over to the front desk clerk claiming that you found it in the bathroom.

6. Sit back and wait as the front desk clerk delivers the wallet to the targeted boss man. Boss man opens the wallet, sees what’s going on and calls you to congratulate you on being the most creative MF’er of all time.

Yep.

#3: The Say Anything

I just realized that both of those first two require you to get into a random bathroom. To avoid a scary theme, I’m going to take you out of the random bathroom and into the random frontyard.

In the movie Say Anything John Cusack blasts some Peter Gabriel outside of his special lady’s house via a sweet boom box. Such a great movie…

All you guys have to do on this one is find out where some HR people live and stand outside their houses (preferably with sweet, old school boom boxes) and blast your resume. I know what you’re thinking now. You’re thinking, “my resume is written. How do I blast it?”

It’s simple — Just record your resume as Apple Speak says it out. Then take that recording and play it loud. Really loud.

It’s a well known fact that EVERYONE respects Apple Speak. It just sounds so authoritative.

Don’t believe me? Here, listen to this whole entry about the Say Anything via (poorly recorded) Apple Speak below, and tell me you’re not moved.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

#2: The X-ray-sume

NOTE: This one really only applies to job seekers in the medical world.

All you have to do is write your resume on something that will show up on an x-ray. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say that I know exactly what potentially-radioactive chemicals will show up the best when viewed via x-ray so you guys will have to do a little research on that. But once you have it nailed down the rest is simple.

1. Swallow something with your resume written on it.

2. Go to the hospital and ask for an x-ray.

3. Sit back and relax as the doctors see your resume inside you.

4. Get job offer on the spot.

5. Poop out whatever you had to eat with your resume on it. Eek.

6. Pay tens of thousands of dollars for the x-ray because you probably weren’t insured when you had it done.

Yeah… maybe this isn’t as great of an idea as some of the others. Maybe getting your resume tattooed on the inside of your colon for the challenging-yet-totally-worth-it colonoscopy resume is a better way to go.

Yeah, maybe not.

#1: The face tat rez

This speaks for itself, really.

Tattoo your resume on your face. It will definitely attract attention. Just remember to leave yourself some face in case you ever want to go back and add more work experience.

And just for the record, this isn’t completely original. It has actually been done before. Once.

Mike Tyson’s resume is currently tattooed on his face. I bet you guys didn’t know that. It’s true. His resume is simply “one tribal-looking thing”, so he was able to get it on there no problem.

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So there you have it. Five surefire(ish) ways to get yourself arrested a job!

And seriously, one more time, let’s find this woman a job.

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Tags: job hunting, jobs, resumes, toilets

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 at 2:46 PM and is filed under Good News, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.