In This Economy?

In this economy there is nothing more valuable than an idea.

With that statement in mind, each month I’m going to be giving out five brand new, untapped money-making ideas that are sure to be instant goldmines. Feel free to grab them and make them your own. Just don’t forget who tipped you off in the first place.

I’ve got some good ones this month. Let’s get started.

#5: Bush sings Bush

When I ask you who the most awesome and influential band of the last 30 years was, who will you say?

You’ll say Bush.

When I ask you who the most awesome and influential president of the last 30 years was, who will you say?

You’ll say Bush. George W. Bush to be more specific.

So why not combine all that Bush into a hyper-influential, ultra-awesome collaboration? Yeah. This is gonna be huge. Imagine W.’s distinctive drawl singing such instant classics as:

• “Machinehead”
• “Everything Zen”
• “Glycerine” (or as W. calls it: “Glissrin”)

I can see at least four or five volumes of this thing. And the best part is that it can be reversed if material starts to run out. Eventually, after W. has exhausted all the Bush classics (don’t worry though because there are SOOOO many), Bush lead singer and Gwen Stefani accessory, Gavin Rossdale can sing some of George W. Bush’s old speeches. The possibilities are endless on this. He can tackle classics like:

• “That one where he was talking in front of the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner even though the mission had not been accomplished”
• “Inauguration ’01″
• “The one where he said ‘evildoers’ for the first time”

This is going to be awesome. I’ve got chills.

#4: TongBay

This one is really simple.

It’s like eBay only it’s exclusively for tongs. Tong enthusiasts are sick and tired of having to scour the Interwebs looking for the perfect pair of tongs. They want a hub where they can buy, sell, trade and talk about tongs. TongBay will be that hub.

Slap some ads on that shit and watch the money pour in.

#3: Vin Diesel Cupcakes

Celebrity branding is always a good idea, so, using that principle I think it’s time to take the whole concept of endorsement to a new level. And that’s what brings about the idea of Vin Diesel cupcakes.

It’s obvious from his movie choices that Vin will do pretty much anything for money so all you have to do is throw some cash at him, take his picture, harvest some of his DNA and send him on his way. From there simply synthesize that DNA and put some of it into each cupcake sold. That way you can make the claim that every cupcake is made from bits of real Vin Diesel. Who wouldn’t want that?!?!

Brand the packaging with Vin’s face and maybe even include some decorative Vin Diesel cupcake toppers (see image above) and you’re looking at a guaranteed money-maker.

Plus, the best part is that once other celebrities see how much money Vin is raking in they’ll want to join the fun. Next thing you know we’ll all be chowing down on Tom Hanks Quiche, Jennifer Anniston Popsicles (Mmmm) and Vincent Gallo Muffin Tops (because according to Mr. Gallo the top is the only part of the muffin “worth two fucks”).

It’s going to be a food revolution.

Thanks to chibimoto for the inspiration on this one.

#2: Lawn Justice

Have you ever wanted to win the “Yard of the Month” award in your neighborhood but you just can’t seem to get over the lawn maintenance hump? Maybe you forgot to mow your lawn for an entire month or the car you left half in the flower bed is leaking a few offensive fluids. Maybe you just forgot to edge.

The point is that small mistakes like the ones I listed up there should not stand in between you and your dreams. We’re all only human after all.

This is where my new service, Lawn Justice, comes in. You want that “Yard of the Month” award but you just can’t seem to find the time to perfect your yard’s look? No worries. Just call Lawn Justice and they’ll come out inside of a week and destroy every other yard in your neighborhood, which will make your lawn look amazing in comparison.

Lawn Justice will use fire, disease, shovels, ice or animals to destroy your neighbors’ competitors’ lawns. They will go address by address with absolutely zero hesitance. In fact this as good a time as any to get a couple guidelines out there.

If using Lawn Justice DO NOT:

• Ask for their real names
• Ask to see their faces
• Get in their way
• Tell them to stop burning that tree
• Provide them with bad intel about when your neighbors will be home
• Question them when they overcharge you
• Think about why that one dude with the shovel for a right arm has a face tat
• Double cross them by using another lawn sabotage company
• Fuck with them

A few of those guidelines aside, Lawn Justice is a totally normal and legit way to get what you want. It’s also a business model that’s going to see triple digit profit growth every quarter for at least five fiscal years. Or something.

Many thanks to SozaDesign for help with the logo on this one.

YEAH! MONEY!

#1: A Beer Can That Turns Blue When It’s Cold

So here’s the idea. You’ve got a beer can and when the beer inside gets cold it makes the can change colors so that the potential beer drinkers know the beer is cold.

Oh wait.

This is a really stupid idea. Damn.

It’s really dumb because all the potential beer drinker would have to do is reach out and touch the beer to know if it’s cold or not.

Yeah. Stupid idea. REALLY stupid idea. Stupid stupid stupid.

–

Well. Shit. I’m afraid I’ve only got four this time then. Sorry, guys.

Until next time!

–

Need more untapped money-making ideas? Check it out:

• MAY ’09
• APRIL ’09

Tags: beer, George W. Bush, untapped money-making ideas, vin diesel, Vincent Gallo

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:51 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.