Paying Babies to Not Make Babies
Posted by SurlyZ on June 12th, 2009CUE THEME MUSIC:
Cheers, kudos and mega-dittos to Greensboro, North Carolina. In sort of a reverse-prostitution ring, they’re paying teen mothers $1 a day to NOT get pregnant again.
The idea is that it only takes a small psychological incentive to send people down a better path than the one they’re on. (Similarly, for a mere $7 a day in junior high, I paid bullies to eschew violence just long enough for me to run home crying.)
Why didn’t we, as a nation, think of this sooner? Assuming that it’s not actually the fresh memory of the excruciating pain they endured while squeezing a mass of writhing flesh and bone out of a teen vagina that makes them not want to get pregnant again, $1 a day is a small price to pay to avoid the financial, health and mental costs of teen pregnancy.
Plus, nobody spends money like irresponsible teenagers. With extra dollars in their hands, we’ll have the recession on the run like a raccoon in the rain (my newly coined phrase; watch for it trending on Twitter).
Why stop there?
Maybe we could nip it all in the bud by paying the more promiscuous-looking kids BEFORE they get pregnant the first time. In fact, I think we should make it retroactive for everyone who didn’t get pregnant in high school. The payments would serve as a Never-Stimulated Stimulus Package.
One step further: Include males in this venture. I know I need the money. I spent my teen years actively not getting girls pregnant, and I would take that stimulus money and pump it (hard) into a relevant sector of the economy, like strip clubs or lot lizards.
Problem solved.
Hmmm… Now that I think about it, these kids might just be saving those dollars for secret abortions. Either way, the system works.
Tags: Bristol Palin, Greensboro, Jamie Lynn Spears, lot lizards, raccoon, recession, sex, stimulus, teen pregnancy