In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Alright, let’s get right into it. Today’s shithead has had a target on his back for a while now.

Angelo Mozilo AKA The Snake

Angelo Mozilo is kind of Like Tony Montana.

Yeah, THAT Tony Montana

The dude from Scarface.

They both had a humble beginning, became very powerful, and then shat it all away (allegedly) doing illegal stuff.

Really the only difference is that Tony Montana rose to power using drugs and Angelo Mozilo used fraud. Well, and Angelo never killed anyone (that I know of) and Tony killed a lot of people. And Angelo grew up in the Bronx and Tony grew up in Cuba. And Mr. Mozilo has a college education and Tony Montana definitely does not. And Tony Montana had to watch that one dude get all cut up with that saw and, well, ok, maybe it’s not the best analogy.

My point is that Angelo Mozilo was sitting pretty on top of the world and now, due to some fraud charges and a general bad vibe, he’s become the last kid picked in kickball.

And on top of that he’s becoming a half man/half snake hybrid creature. More on this later.

Humble Beginnings (egg)

Mr. Mozilo was born in 1938 in New York City. He was the son of a butcher in the Bronx. He went to Fordham University and graduated in 1960 with a Bachelor of Science degree. From there he set his sights on making money in the money industry. However, because his degree was from Fordham and not an Ivy League school he had to work twice as hard to get his foot in the door of the right places — but once he was in, he was there to stay.

In 1978 he founded Countrywide Credit Industries in New York. This would be the tiny snowball that would eventually roll down the hill to become the snow boulder that is the Countrywide Financial we see today.

The shit really got real in 1984 when Countrywide hit the NYSE. From there Mr. Mozilo officially became a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy it was money and instead of a kid it was a weird little Italian man that was slowly turning into a serpent. More on this later.

Success is Awesome (baby snake)

Countrywide exploded with growth over the next couple of decades. And with that growth came more opportunities for Angelo and other members of the Countrywide elite to fill their pockets.

From 2001-2006, a period of time that saw unreal growth for Countrywide (due in large part to their major role in the now dubious subprime mortgage craze), Mr. Mozilo pocketed $470 million in compensation.

But that’s not all.

In addition to the $470 mil, Countrywide also payed his annual country club dues at Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, CA, The Quarry at La Quinta golf club in La Quinta, CA and Robert Trent Jones Golf Club in Gainesville, VA.

I can understand this however. I mean, what good is having $470 million if you don’t belong to any snooty country clubs? Who will see you drive up in a different car each week? Who will be there to laugh at your jokes about minorities and democrats? Who will disingenuously thank you when you pick up the tab for yet another round of mint juleps in the smoking room?

Random sidenote: I get a vibe like Angelo is the kind of rich asshole who leaves a $1 tip on a $100 tab. Not sure why. Just a vibe i get.

Moving on.

Shit Hits Fan (full grown half man/half snake hybrid)

So last week the SEC finally charged Mr. Mozilo (who I will from now on be referring to as MOZILO!) with fraud. The entire thing wasn’t really a surprise to anyone except maybe MOZILO! himself.

The SEC alleges that he purposefully misled investors on the direction and practices of the company. Oh, and they’re also accusing him of $120 million in insider trading. The two charges go hand in hand.

So, this dude who was pulling down an average of $80-$90 million a year in compensation (plus those golf memberships!) wasn’t satisfied? Everyone has always assumed he was dirty (kind of like how everyone just assumes Sammy Sosa did steroids) but his grossness hasn’t had a real face until now.

And speaking of his face…

Enter The Snake (FULL BLOWN DEATH SNAKE)

Has anyone else noticed that MOZILO! is starting to look a lot like a gross serpent creature. I have a feeling that if this transformation continues we may have a serious problem.

Check it out below:

Here is a picture of Mozilo in March of 2008:

Now here is an expert’s representation of what Mozilo will look like in 2011:

OMG! LOOK AT THAT THING! AHHHHHH!

This shit is serious. If we’re not careful he might get pissed and start destroying our cities. You’ll hear people screaming “MOZILO!” and you’ll know his wrath. If he keeps transforming he may become a real force of evil!

But until then, he’s just another shithead.

Get your Angelo Mozilo shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #9: Teresa Tambunting
• #8: Marcus Schrenker
• #7: The AIG 73
  
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: Angelo Mozilo, fraud, Shithead Trading Cards, theft

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 at 4:41 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.