In This Economy?

In this economy there is nothing more valuable than an idea.

With that statement in mind, each month I’m going to be giving out five brand new, untapped money-making ideas that are sure to be instant goldmines. Feel free to grab them and make them your own. Just don’t forget who tipped you off in the first place.

Let’s get this started.

#5: Arby’s Roast Beef Energy Drink

We love Arby’s over here at the ITE headquarters.

We really, really, really do.

So this first untapped idea is aimed right at them. You see I think one of the things that’s really getting in the way of Arby’s and total fast food dominance is the fact that eating a roast beef sandwich isn’t sexy.

But do you know what is sexy? Energy drinks.

Are you guys following me here?

Take the essence of a delicious Arby’s roast beef (or as I lovingly call it: gray beef) sandwich, blend it, mix in some Arby’s sauce and some caffeine and cocaine and some other energetic shit — and BOOM!

Arby’s first ever energy drink.

It’ll taste like carbonated beef with a little bit of a fruity aftertaste. People will be so curious when it hits stores that it will become a runaway success. Not only will all the kids be thinking Arby’s, they’ll be drinking it as well.

YEAH!!! LET’S GET RICH!!

#4: A shot-for-shot remake of Krull

Krull is a sci-fi/fantasy movie that came out in 1983. It is also maybe the best movie of all time.

Now I understand that in the past (three days ago) I’ve been hard on Hollywood and their love of remakes, but this is an exception.

You see when they remake lame movies like Psycho (black and white is sooooo lame!) and Star Trek (more like Star Dreck!) it gives the whole idea of remakes a bad name. Remakes can work, just as long as they’re focusing on world-class releases. Like Krull.

Just as a refresher to those of you who haven’t seen it in a while: Krull is the story of this dude who looks kind of like Ghost-era Patrick Swayze, but with a beard. He’s in love with this chick but she gets kidnapped by this big blurry monster. From there, Ghost Swayze gathers together a merry band of misfits and they all go off to this big castle to get her back. Along the way there is all this awesome shit. Like a weird frisbee/boomerang thing that has knives all over it, an awesome cyclops, a giant spider, an evil wizard and lasers. It’s really got it all.

Plus, with all the box office love shown to the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings franchises in the past few years, it would be a GUARANTEED money-maker.

If you still don’t believe me check this out:

Yeah. I know. Fucking awesome.

I CAN SMELL THE MONEY NOW!!!

#3: reYOUnions

High school and family reunions can be tough. You might not be looking as good as you once did or you may have had your vocal chords slashed in a farming accident and as a result have lost the ability to speak. And if you’re an ugly mute you may not feel totally comfortable meeting back up with your old classmates or relatives.

That’s where reYOUnions comes in.

ReYOUnions is a new service that will send someone to your high school or family reunion for you. ReYOUnions has an extensive database of, depending on the day of the week, 7 or 8 potential replacements that will go to any (as long as it’s a high school or family) reunion in your stead and impress the pants off of everyone there.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that the idea of sending someone to something in place of someone is not a new idea. It’s been done before. However, what’s exciting and new about reYOUnions is that they specialize in high school and family reunions ONLY. So they have a skill set specific to those two types of events.

And who knows, maybe eventually, under the right supervision, the idea could expand out to college reunions.

Maybe.

Many thanks to SozaDesign for help with the logo.

YEAH!!! RICHES!!!

#2: Car-rates (pronounced [kahr-ruh ts])

Pirates have been everywhere lately and all the coverage got me thinking.

Why hasn’t anyone taken the concept of piracy and applied it to the streets?

Think about it. Instead of a pirate ship you get a sweet bus or an RV. Slap a flag on there. Deck it out with something sweet like a cannon or something. Maybe get some friends to roll up next to you in dune buggies or bikes.

Then pull it all up next to a car and board that shit.

Quick disclaimer: This idea is illegal, but some of the greatest money making schemes in history have required a little bending of the law. Do you think Fruit Roll-Ups were legal when they first hit the streets? Hell no they weren’t. Don’t think about it as being illegal — think about it as being pioneering.

Ok, let’s continue.

How many times have you been driving behind someone and you’ve noticed something totally sweet in their backseat or in the bed of their truck? Well, if you were a car-rate you could just board ‘em and take it. You want those truck nuts you see dangling from the H2 in front of you? Of course you do. Board that shit and they’re yours!

Then all you do is take your booty and sell it on eBay. 100% profit.

Yo-Ho-Ho the car-rate’s life is good for YOU!

If you’re interested in being the first car-rate just rent The Road Warrior for ideas. Seriously. Do it.

MONEY!! GOLD!! RICHES!!

#1: Dot-Commers

Dot-Commers are pants that are always connected to the Internet. They’re perfect for those times when you don’t have access to a computer or a smart phone, but you still REALLY need the power of the Web.

Dot-Commers have a keyboard and display built in, and they’re both so conveniently located that you’ll hardly notice they’re there — until you need them.

Dot-Commers come in several different pant styles. At this moment there are khakis, blue jeans, slacks (in 3 colors) and cargo pants.

With their easy functionality and stylish design, you’ll be Dot-Comming in your pants in no time.

Just listen to some of these customer testimonials:

Emerson Cox from Mobile, Alabama said:

“I got some Dot-Commers for my birthday and I’ve been Dot-Comming in my pants nonstop ever since. Every time I Dot-Com in my khakis I get more excited about what I’m doing and I Dot-Com some more! Now whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, I tell them that I’m Dot-Comming!”

Ryan Skrotem from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania said:

“I love to hold my wife’s hand while I’m Dot-Comming in my jeans. It’s something we can do together, which is great.”

Kris Wang from Abilene, Texas said:

“Ever since I got my pair all I do is Dot-Com in my pants. Morning, afternoon and night — if you need me I’m probably off by myself Dot-Comming up a storm.”

Seriously. This product is a goldmine waiting to be gutted. Start Dot-Comming in your pants today!

RICHES!!!!

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Remember, one man’s trash is another man’s idea. Or something.

See ya next month!

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Need more untapped money-making ideas? Check it out:

• APRIL ’09

Tags: arby's, drinks, Krull, lists, movies, pants, reYOUnions, The Road Warrior, untapped money-making ideas, youtube

This entry was posted on Friday, May 15th, 2009 at 2:43 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.