In This Economy?

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger T-Bag.

It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.

Today T-Bag is going to rant pointlessly about:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Well…

I had to grow up sometime, and for that, I have to thank X-Men Origins: Wolverine. You see, it showed me the error of my ways, proved Mom and Dad right about my flimsy Hollywood dreams, and gave me the strength to finally become a man, Corinthians style.

Before seeing X-M O: W, I was completely lost. Relatively easy on movies, especially genre films, I tended to enjoy a lot of silliness while completely ignoring what those stuffy professors called “classics”.

Here is a brief rundown of sins in my past: I saw The Matrix Revolutions five times in the theatres, but haven’t seen Lawrence of Arabia once. I stood in line for six hours waiting for Star Wars – Episode II: Attack of the Clones, but have yet to see 2001: A Space Odyssey from start to finish. I believe Ocean’s 12 to be the best of the three, and think Mystic River is total horseshit.

That all changed when I saw Wolvie last Friday. Able to leave work relatively early, I decided to chance an evening showing at the nearby theatre. After buying my ticket and settling into the cheap seats with the teeny-boppers and crackheads that populate The Grove, I geared myself up for an enjoyable time.

You see I wasn’t looking for a masterpiece, a great movie, or even a good movie. What I wanted, all you REALLY had to provide, was an enjoyable evening at the movies.

And let me clarify how, to me, an enjoyable evening at the movies can be achieved:

• The movie tells a decent enough story that makes you forgive lapses in the filmmaking.
• The movie makes you feel some sort of positive emotion.
• The audience is respectful to the film and the people around them.

Hmmm, I guess one out of three ain’t bad. For about 35 seconds, I got super-pumped and you were one of the best superhero movies ever made. What moment was it, you ask?

Was it the scene where Logan had adamantium grafted to his bones, thus creating one of the cinema’s greatest badasses?

No.

Was it the scene where Victor Creed saved Logan’s life, providing a satisfying story arc?

Not at all.

How about the scene where Logan finds the love of his life bloody and murdered, fueling his hatred and rage for the rest of the film?

Hell no.

All those scenes you dropped like Travis Barker hitting the ground in flames. But there was one moment, one magical moment, where you became worth the thirteen dollars I spent and the live-twittering I endured.

And it was with this dude, my man, Ryan Reynolds:

You see that sweet shit he just did with those swords? Yeah? Because that stuff was super-awesome.

Apparently, that was too bad ass for X-M O: W to handle. Because it sidelined Reynolds’s character until the third act, and then shoehorned him back in with a twist so convoluted it made the Donnie Darko director’s cut look like the theatrical version.

So that’s it then. I’m walking away from genre films entirely. Thanks to Wolverine I’ve been taught that story, tension, direction, lighting, cinematography, editing, and sound are important and sacred tools to creating fine art. I should not waste my time with foolish notions of downloading Mutant Chronicles off Xbox Live or debating the pros and cons of the Battlestar Galactica finale.

I’m done. I’m a grown up. Finally. My favorite actor is Elliot Gould. The best director of all time is Terence Malick. Thank you, X-M O: W. Thank you so much.

Unless. Well, unless you have anything to say about it, Star Trek…

Hmm. Maybe adulthood is going to have to wait.

Happy Star Trek Day, America.

Best Regards,

T-Bag

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Previously on Waste of Money:

• Creed’s New Album
• Rollerblades
• The Beatles Remastered Catalog
• George W. Bush Commemorative Merchandise
• Fast & Furious
• Snugglette
• Truck Nuts

Tags: guestblog, movies, superhero, T-Bag, waste of money, Wolverine, X-Men

This entry was posted on Friday, May 8th, 2009 at 12:26 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.