In This Economy?

As everyone knows by now, KFC recently rolled out a new line of grilled chicken products.

First they gave it away for free on April 27. People lined up for hours to taste what a piece of Kentucky FRIED chicken would taste like if you peeled all the delicious skin off, wringed it out and painted little black “grill” lines on it.

Then, earlier this week, they took the promotion up to another level — the Oprah level. Oprah sucked down some of Kentucky’s grilled fowl on her show and unveiled a new deal that she’s endorsing. Just go to a website, get a coupon and you can get free grilled chicken and some free sides. Of course, because we’re talking about THE Oprah here, the entire Internet almost broke as literally tens of millions of people logged on to the web (some for the first time in years…I bet they used Compuserve… or Netscape… or one of those AOL “billion hours free” discs) to get their chicken ‘n fixins coupon.

And now, today, I came across THIS.

KFC is giving away gift certificates, which you can use to buy their new grilled chicken (hint hint), to people with a mom-related tattoo. You know, for Mother’s Day!

I’m not going to get any further into the details because if I do I’ll have to rename this site to in-this-KFC.com. Basically what I’m saying is that they’ve been whoring out their new grilled chicken product so much, that I’m tired of singing their free chicken praises. I’m sick of it!

But, because I’m not a total dick (regardless of what all the Creed fans out there may think), instead of just saying, “Fuck KFC!”, I’m going to take the high road and present them with five more marketing opportunities. Maybe after they utilize one or two of these (or all five), they’ll be able to finally put this KGC marketing blitzkrieg to bed.

Ok, here they are. In no real order.

1. KFC Grill Line Colored Paint

So far all of the critics (myself included) of KFC’s new grilled baby have agreed that the grill lines that adorn each piece look fake. They look as though they’ve been painted on. So what can KFC do to combat this criticism? Well, nothing, really. No matter what they do, the lines are always going to look painted on.

So they need a diversion.

And what could be a better diversion than giving away something funny and free. The funny free thing I’d propose is KFC Grill Line Colored Paint.

Do you have a room in your house that you wish resembled fake char? Maybe you’ve been dying to paint your garage door (for an upcoming staycation) but all the shades of charcoal gray you’ve been looking at just look too real. Well, KFC Grill Line Colored Paint is the paint for you!

And, as a bonus, the paint could be edible, so the kids can paint their own grill lines on all their favorite foods.

“LOOK MOMMY, MY CEREAL IS GRILLED!!!”

That’s good stuff. And effective.

Ok, next.

2. Sky writing

Do I really need to explain this one? Sky writing is the ultimate, number one, greatest all-time form of advertising. If you see a message in the sky that is literally written in clouds are you actually going to be so bold as to NOT do what it says. Someone could sky write “cut your balls off” and I’d probably do it because I’d think it was a magical message sent from a higher power.

That shit is serious. And effective. It’s seriously effective. Yeah.

3. Think big!

This idea is really simple. All KFC has to do is create some sort of massive monument out of grilled chicken pieces. I’m thinking a massive statue of the late, great Colonel. It could look like that one they recently pulled out of a river in Japan (pictured above). Only it would need to have hands. And it would need to be big enough to where astronauts could see it from space.

“Yeah, Houston, everything is cool up here…just make sure you have some of that Kentucky Grilled Chicken ready when we get back. The top of that grilled chicken Colonel’s head looks fucking delicious. I just want to eat it. I want to eat his head.”

If there was a 1,000-story grilled chicken Colonel Sanders statue built somewhere in America (I think it’d have to be in Kentucky…but I’m open to other locations), the word of mouth buzz on that would be insane. You’d have people driving and flying from miles around to see (and smell) it in person. And right outside the statue there could be little stands set up selling KGC.

The only drawback that I can think of is that the statue would probably only last a week before it spoiled. And birds would be a problem. And the weather. If wind got a hold of it we could have a grilled chicken erosion problem, and that could be devastating.

But, like most of these ideas, even if it fails it succeeds. Or something.

4. Telemarketing

What’s an effective way to spread the word about a new product? Yeah, that’s right — telemarketing. Telemarketing (or as I like to call it teleselling) gets kind of a bad rap, but that’s only because most of the things people try to sell over the phone suck.

Newspaper subscriptions? LAME!

Long distance service? LAME!

Donations for Red Cross? SO LAME!

Delicious grilled chicken? TELL ME MORE!

If KFC ties this in with another free chicken giveaway, I can all but guarantee a 500% spike in KGC consumption. Seriously. That’s just simple business math.

Here’s an example of a script the KGC telemarketers could use:

KGC Employee (KGCE): Do you like delicious stuff?

Customer (C): Uhmmm, who is this?

KGCE: Just answer the question. Do you like delicious stuff?

C: Uhmm, I guess so, but seriously, who is this?

KGCE: Great news! Because Kentucky Grilled Chicken is delicious. Can I go ahead and sign you up for a year’s supply?

C: Uhhhhhhh

KGCE: (burp)

C: Uhhhhhhh

Seriously. A 500% spike.

5. Partner with Hollywood

People love movies. So, it’s only a natural decision to have KFC get in on some of that love.

My proposal is to take successful existing films, tastefully add some KFC grilled chicken imagery and themes and re-release them. This one can best be explained through examples:

Grilled Chicken Run

-Plot Synopsis-

In this animated movie for the kids a heroic piece of grilled chicken (voiced by Vincent Gallo) leads some other pieces of grilled chicken as they try to escape a KFC restaurant in Illinois. SPOILER ALERT: Oprah eats the whole group in the end.

Forrest Gump Loves Kentucky Grilled Chicken!

-Plot Synopsis-

A man retells his life story and how Kentucky Grilled Chicken has impacted him through the ages. From the time a piece of KGC saved him in Vietnam to the grilled chicken boat operation he started — it’s all in this classic epic.

Grill Bill

-Plot Synopsis-

A piece of grilled chicken watches her grilled chicken family get fried before his eyes. Instead of just accepting this fate, our hero decides to take revenge. Oh, and the KFC manager who did the frying is named Bill.

Be these remakes good or bad, they will get everyone talking about grilled chicken, and that’s the point.

Soooooo effective.

–

It’s an exciting time for unconventional marketing. It really is.

I can’t wait to see what Kentucky Fried/Grilled Chicken will do next.

Tags: chicken, Deals & Free Stuff, free, grilled chicken, KFC, lists, movies, paint, sky writing, statue

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 7th, 2009 at 12:05 AM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.