Britain’s Answer To The Economic Crisis: A Chocolate Car. Really?
Posted by guestblogger on May 6th, 2009NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger T’tip.
Greetings. British ITE correspondent T’tip here with the latest news out of America’s friendly, though slightly more socialist, ally.
Perhaps unbeknownst to my compatriots across the pond, the Brits are actually pretty good at racing (of the non-NASCAR variety). English F1 driver Lewis Hamilton is the reigning world champion after only his second season as a professional, following a close second-place finish in his rookie campaign. Current F1 points leader is Jenson Button (does not age backwards, I checked), an Englishman currently in the midst of a serious career resurgence due in no small part to the financial backing of ubiquitous Brit-tycoon Richard Branson.
However, I can guarantee you this dominance won’t last because Britain, as a nation, has a sports psyche more fragile than Mexico’s relationship with the rest of the world. Think pre-2004 Red Sox fans, but with hooligans and more readily available alcohol. So, in light of Britain’s penchant for fucking up any sporting success they may achieve as a nation, we find this story on a UK university’s plans for a chocolate-guzzling racecar. “Forget our failing banks and downward economic spiral, let’s build an Aston Martin that runs on Kit-Kats!”
Now, it’s fairly common knowledge (common to me) that chocolate products manufactured on the British Isles suck. If Paul Newman had stuffed his face full of Cadbury crème eggs instead of actual ones, he would have died and Cool Hand Luke wouldn’t have made any damn sense. If you want better chocolate visit Belgium, a little town named Hershey in Pennsylvania or your grandma’s cupboard for that 100 Grand bar she’s been saving since 1982.
After hearing about it, I had a hunch this story was the symptom of a much more far-reaching, underlying problem. Turns out I was right. British chocolate company Cadbury ain’t doing so well lately. Sales in the UK and Ireland are up, but upon further inspection we see global sales are down, due in no small part to a drop in North American demand. The UK is obviously responding to the decline with a crackpot plan to build a choco-car. What’s next? A bus that runs on children’s dreams and kitten meows? Who’s leading this country, Willy fucking Wonka?
Obviously, America will have none of it. That’s why Americans need to continue their boycott of Cadbury merchandise, and that’s how America can continue to promote latent revulsion for all things foreign… ITE. I couldn’t be more proud.
On a separate and entirely more awesome note, Cadbury is, at the very least, responsible for the most amazing* advert (that’s commercial, to us yanks) of all time.
Cheers,
T’tip
*Phil Collins-related
Tags: Brits, cadbury creme egg, guestblog, NASCAR, racecar, Sir Richard Branson, T'tip
Your knowledge of British F1 racing scares me.
I’ve been boycotting Cadbury ever since I discovered their horrible secret: Those eggs taste like shit.
I have to respectfully disagree on the chocolate issue. Yes, it’s true Belgium produces the finest chocolate. But Hershey, PA?!? You have GOT to be kidding. Cadbury beats Hershey, hands down. That is all.
Call it homesickness, but I prefer the thin segmentation of a Hershey bar. Cadbury bars are too thick. And they make some of them with fruit. There’s no need for fruit and chocolate to mix.
I agree with Count Chocula here, this Qtip character knows too much about British F-1 racing. Who’s Lewis Hamilton? Who gives a rabbit’s ass. Just tell me more about the chocolate car and chocolate city. And show me more monkey vids.
You need only ask:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beCYGm1vMJ0
T’tip…well done sir. Now daddy’s happy.
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