In This Economy?

Here’s a riddle that has plagued man for centuries: How in the name of the pope’s ass do we get rid of Florida? Everyone remembers the Florida election debacle in 2000 as the last call for unharassed international travel. And guess who’s to blame for Glenn Frey having hits in the 80s? Florida is.* And frankly, the damn state is just embarrassing to look at on a map.

With 50 states on the roster, there’s bound to be some redundancy. Thus, we bring you our latest (first) installment of WTFF? with the hope that we can make a case to tighten the country’s belt and eliminate Florida.

*Miami Vice

Everybody Must Get Stoned

LAKE WALES, Florida—Alleged loving parent Jodi Wykle bought her son a $138 Nintendo DS at a Lake Wales Wal-Mart for his 16th birthday. But when the kid opened the box, he only found stones and a Chinese newspaper, presumably $138 worth.

Luckily, Mom was filming the event:

This is standard for the “some assembly required” set of goods, but upon further investigation into the story, In This Economy? discovered that the Nintendo DS cannot be assembled from rocks. The Chinese newspaper, however, can be eaten for fiber.

Wal-Mart initially tried to take the “let ye without sin” tack, but then they saw how big the rocks in the box were and quickly capitulated. In a statement, Wal-Mart said, “It is our policy to sell nothing but pornography in our game systems.”

Obvious conclusion: Florida’s preference for Chinese news is killing the American newspaper industry. Florida has got to go.

Chicken Head, Chicken Fed

HOLLYWOOD, Florida—The Kohn family has a problem. They say the city is discriminating against them because they are Jews of Middle Eastern descent. Oh yeah, that’s original. It’s the same lame excuse we hear each time someone gets caught raising illegal chickens as pets.

You see, Steve Kohn believes that a man should be judged by the size of his cocks. So what good is he if the city won’t let him keep them on his property? “The real issue here is a government telling us what type of animals we can or cannot have,” Kohn said.

We’re pretty sure that’s nothing new. When Parker Brothers was first developing Nerf, they were denied a request to raise elephants and harvest their testicles to make the now-popular children’s toys. (UPDATE: Since being acquired by Hasbro, Nerf has restarted its testicle production in Mexico.)

ELEPHANT BALLS

Kohn went on to say, “Obviously there is no scientific research that shows that a pet chicken is more of a hazard than a pit bull or more of a nuisance than a screeching macaw.” Is that right, Mr. Kohn? Are you absolutely sure about that? Then we think you’ll be surprised by the official findings of ITE’s own accredited scientists. Roll tape.

R.I.P. Young child. Say hello to Bea Arthur for us.

Obvious conclusion #2: Florida is training its chickens to enjoy the taste of human flesh and Maude reruns.

Dear God Above

Why is this a story? No, not why is this a story? Why is this a story?

Florida’s governor signed legislation this week that removes the word “shylock” from Florida statutes. Holy shit! The state known for its metastasizing population of elderly Jews had an anti-Semitic term on the books regarding unlawful money lending until 2009???

Have you no sense of decency, Florida? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

Obvious conclusion #3: Did you hear the one about the shylock? She never let anyone touch her keyhole.

Final Analysis

Florida is a burden. Florida is a blight on this great nation. Florida is the ultimate shame in an otherwise respectable family. Florida is Roger Clinton, Billy Carter, Frank Stallone, Eric Roberts and George W. Bush all in one.

So let’s roll up our shirtsleeves and put this country back on the right track. We need a band of volunteers to start sawing Florida at its northern base. But we have to hurry. There’s a race of alligator people on the rise. One has already infiltrated Congress:

Tags: Florida, Nintendo DS, pornography, shylock

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 29th, 2009 at 3:17 PM and is filed under Humor, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.