In This Economy?

Everybody knows our Earth is in peril. We have a worldwide, frenzy-inspiring outbreak of the sniffles, gay people are getting married, global warming is making us effing sweaty…and Sarah Palin is on deck to become our next president. Oh, and the economy STILL SUCKS. For all these reasons and more, the world is OBVIOUSLY going to end. Soon.

Maybe that’s why a new kind of vigilante hero has appeared on the scene. And they may be the only ones who can save us all.

“My method can be nothing, or the most intense, bizarre preparations you've ever seen.” --Christian Bale

Cincinnati. Around 2:00 pm. Broad daylight. A 21-year-old man known only as “Shadowhare” walks the streets in search of justice. He is dressed in what appears to be a dark and mysterious hybrid of a handmade Mexican wrestler uniform and The Dark Knight costume found at PartyCity. And he has set his sights on ridding his fair city of crime via citizen’s arrest and legal weapons like pepper spray, tasers and handcuffs. All in a day’s work.

Meet Shadowhare. Just don't meet him in a dark alley...

But Shadowhare is not alone. No! He is part of a gang of masked- and caped-crusaders who just like him want nothing more than to clean up the streets of Cincinnati, one evil scumbag at a time. The “Allegiance of Heroes” is a ragtag group of spandex wearing laymen (and one laylady) who patrol the streets in broad daylight and hand out sandwiches to the homeless. Oh, and fight crime with absolute determination.

Think Cincinatti is the only home to justice? You couldn’t be more wrong! There are clusters of selfless heroes popping up all over the country! Almost as many as there are cases of Swine Flu! And they’re on the Internet! You just have to see this for yourself, my friends. The World Superhero Registry is “a public forum and resource center for the Real-Life Superhero community”. It’s basically a MySpace for superheroes. Think fewer strippers and more spandex. Wait, how is this awesome? Oh yeah. Fucking Raw Powerful Vigilante Justice. That’s right.

Now get ready to have your mind blown, because Shadowhare is all over the news.

Watch THIS:

Folks, this shit is real. And it’s real serious. The only way we’re going to make it through this mess is to band together, put on masks and capes and use our pepper spray to fight for what’s right in this godforsaken planet. With that in mind, I’ve gone ahead and assembled some tips on how to become a Suburban Superhero.

You’re welcome.

1. You will need a fucking badass superhero alter-ego name.

Beware The Bunny!

And I’m thinking you can do better than Shadowhare, but I’m not sure. Because it’s pretty damn terrifying. Perhaps Lightningminx or — y’know what? Maybe you should just follow steps similar to the well-known and widely-used “Stripper Name” method. First, write down the first noun from the first graphic novel you ever read. Then, add a furry, woodland creature to the end of that word and BAM—you’ve got yourself a badass vigilante name.

Now go get ‘em, Streetnymph!

2. Get thee to a crafts superstore.

Exhibit A

Find the spandex section. Get a few feet of that. Find the felt section. Get some of that too. Get some Wonder Under®. You will need it unless you already know how to sew. Maybe sit in on one of their free courses! It couldn’t hurt for the savior of your town to know how to wind a freakin’ bobbin and — I don’t know — add a little skull-shaped appliqué to your uniform. Use your imagination.

3. Invest in a few spy tools and/or legal instruments of justice.

If you haven’t been to your neighborhood spy supply store, or don’t know you had a neighborhood spy supply store, it’s probably because, in true spy-style, the store itself hasn’t wanted to be found. But it’s there, I promise you. Within its doors you’ll find everything you need to seek out justice: pen-cameras, tiny microphones, GPS tracking devices, etc. Buy it all. Then get yourself some mace or nunchucks or whatever is legal according to your county’s bylaws, and get to protectin’. Just like the Allegiance of Heroes.

4. Find your dark, dark demented reason for being a superhero.

Dig deep in your past. Did a teacher spank you? Were you picked on by your big brother? Was your girlfriend killed in an explosion by The Joker? Good! Now draw upon that deep-seeded angst and make that part of who you are as a superhero. Because heroes are not made overnight. They fester and feed off of themselves and their tiny inner demons until their own human bodies cannot contain them. Which brings us to step five.

5. Prepare your body and mind for battle.

Think this guy needs to worry about dirtbags? Nope!

One cannot anticipate the danger that awaits you as you begin your journey to superhero-dom. So you must be ready for anything. With that in mind, work out at a local gym — in uniform so you can simulate the real stress of battle on the fabrics — and so your fellow citizens will know that help is on the way. Then enroll in a few courses: Karate, Tai Chi, Tai Bo — anything that sounds Asian in nature — and learn to FIGHT. Then test your skills with an obstacle course. Trust me; when you are ready, you will know.

6. Find the others like you in your fair city.

Photo: itenerantlondoner

Picture a scene from Heroes. Or X-men. Or Unbreakable. When you find “the others” like you, it will be like the reuniting of siblings separated at birth. So be prepared for the overwhelming waterfall of emotion that event will bring. And then…the Montage. You might want to bring a boom box. And some sandwiches because if there’s no crime around you can spend your spare time handing them out to homeless dudes.

That’s it! Just six simple steps until you’re ready to join Shadowhare and his cohorts in saving the planet from utter destruction. Please hurry.

Tags: allegiance of heroes, economy, justice, MySpace, shadowhare, superhero, Swine Flu, vigilante, world superhero registry, wrestler

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 at 2:59 PM and is filed under WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.