Top 5 ways to make money from Swine Flu
Posted by drocolate on April 27th, 2009
Well folks, the end is near.
Swine Flu has taken the world by storm. With literally dozens of cases strangling the United States, it won’t be long now before this whole thing spirals into a full on Earth-destroying pandemic.
But, don’t worry. It’s not all bad news.
The light at the end of the bacon flu tunnel is that with huge global changes (and pandemics typically qualify as huge global changes) come great opportunities to make money.
And please do not misunderstand: It’s not my intention to belittle the current or future victims of Swine Flu.
I just want us all to get rich.
Ok, let’s get to it!
#5: Hilarious Swine Flu T-shirts
“It’s a flu and it’s based on pigs? That’s hilarious! As a matter of fact, that’s so hilarious I wish I had something like that on a T-shirt.”
Consider that wish granted!
You see, right now everyone is still in full fear mode about Swine Flu, so the market for hilarious pig flu-related shirts is wide open. I did an exhaustive search of the Interwebs and found only one Swine Flu shirt (well played, irregularwear) already available.
Below are a few of my early designs:
Create yours today and start milking this cash cow! Er, cash pig. Wait, milk a pig? Weird.
Moving on!
#4: “Clean” Pig Meat Products
People are scared to eat pig right now. There is an unfounded belief that if you eat a tainted piece of bacon or a pestilent pork rind, you will immediately keel over and become riddled with flu symptoms and eventually turn into a pig and then die.
This is (mostly) untrue.
However, there’s nothing wrong with using people’s fears to make a little money. Just look at our country’s news coverage as a blueprint for this. Time Magazine knows what I’m talking about. As does CNN. And of course, my favorite, FUXNEWS.
But my idea has nothing to do with news coverage. It has to do with the pigs themselves.
Pig farmers, this swineidemic is your chance to differentiate yourselves from the rest. To become the leaders of the pack. All you have to do is give your pigs a bath and start hyping your farm as a “clean” swine (oxymoron?) zone.
From this new divide in pig rearing will come a natural divide in pig products. “Clean” bacon will take on regular old (dirty) bacon and so on.
“Do I want to buy those old school pork rinds, or do I want to buy these new Swine Rinds that are made from “clean” pigs only?”
Yeah, that’s an easy choice.
“Clean” pig is going to be HUGE!
#3: Yarmulkes
This one goes hand in hand with #4. As people become more and more afraid to eat pig, they may naturally transition off of it completely. From there they may start keeping Kosher, just to be safe. And from there they may just go ahead and convert to Judaism.
I know it’s a stretch, but we’re talking about a pandemic here. Crazy things WILL happen.
My point here is that with all these new Jewish people walking around (like the D-bag convert pictured below), we may be facing a yarmulke shortage unless some new yarmulke salespeople emerge.
It’s all just supply and demand, really.
More Jewish people = more yarmulke demand.
More yarmulke demand = more money.
#2: Designer Gas Masks
I’m sure you’ve seen pictures like this by now:
It’s pretty grim.
Now check this out:
What a huge improvement. With new gas masks from Louis Vuitton, Calvin Klein and Osh Kosh B’Gosh, you’ll be able to stand out from the crowd. Just because there’s a pandemic going on doesn’t mean we have to let ourselves go.
Remember, we’re not animals. Well, not yet anyway.
#1: Swine Drugs
With a new pandemic comes new opportunities for preventative drugs. I went to the store a couple hours ago and saw two new products that had obviously just hit the shelves.
One was called Swine Borne. It is pictured below.
It claims to boost your immune system to all pig-based diseases. It also advertised a zesty orange taste. Mmmmmm.
The second drug I saw was called Swine Away. It is pictured below.
This drug’s packaging was devoid of any informative markings or nutrition information, but from what I could tell it was pill based. I imagine you take one Swine Away pill and forget about the horrifying world of pandemic-spreading oink machines for a while.
Now, don’t let my discovery of these two preventative drugs discourage you. There is still plenty of room in the swine drug market for newer, more useful drugs. So drop what you’re doing, go down to your basement drug lab and start cooking up some of that new shit.
Oh, and if by some chance you actually have Swine Flu, just get a few hits of antiviral drugs like Tamiflu or Relenza from your doctor and you should be fine.
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So there you have it. Five ways to make money off of the hysteria, hype and horror of our current Swine Flu situation.
My closing piece of advice is to not worry. Despite some of what I said above, I really hope the media doesn’t sink their teeth into this one all the way because people have enough shit to be scared about these days.
And because, as John Travolta said, “Bacon tastes goooood.”
Tags: lists, medicine, money, pandemic, pigs, Swine Flu, youtube
Top 5 ways to make money from Swine Flu | In This Economy?…
Swine Flu has taken the world by storm. And with that storm comes great opportunities to make money……
i like them pickled pig’s feet! mmm!
I have my own plan:
1.) I steal pigs
2.) I then parade the pigs into a public square.
3.) I start auctioning off the opportunity to the townfolk for their chance to “Off the Pigs”. This is an opportunity for the common man (or womanz) to grab some revenge, prevent further swine flu explosure and/or to take out their angst and aggression caused by this world in which we live on these swine.
4.) I then gather any still consumable pig and cook that tastiness up in all the ways I can think of and eat as much as I can. The rest I’ll serve to all the fine folks who buy tickets to my “Otis Schindler Dine on Swine 2009″ where you can stuff yourself on delicious pig meat (and probably score some strange).
I’ve already estimated that I’ll net $73,000 plus tips.
Otis Schindler
“Makin’ It Happen, Everyday I do!”
i’m seriously worried about the world vibes today. seriously. serious post. swine flu.
Otis,
That whole thing actually was #7 on my list but I had to make some edits.
Great minds think alike though! And I’ll see you at OSDoW09!
That yarmulke looks suspiciously like a swim cap, a la Bugs Bunny. Or a human swimmer, I guess.
I like the designer masks, but I think we need to take it further. Some will be made of leather and velvet, others will have fringe, feathers, rhinestones, or sequins. Of course, they’ll all have disclaimers warning that they don’t guarantee to protect you from any airborne pathogens. But DAMN you’ll look good as you hack up sputum.
Bacon. That’s all.
These pingbacks are weird.
Satisfying Senior Sex? WTF?
[...] Top 5 ways to make money from Swine Flu | In This Economy? [...]
Well, I’ve taken some of your advice and went ahead and started my own swine flu t-shirt website. Here’s to hoping it sells!
http://flushirts.spreadshirt.com
FLU SHIRTS! YES! YOU DID IT!
That is awesome. I hope you get rich. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Way to go, Flu Shirts. Good job.
Pork = Death. That’s what I always say!
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The designer masks thing is already happening. You called it, drocolate! http://tinyurl.com/c2h5ov
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http://oranchak.com/?p=593
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