END TIMES ARE NIGH: Drop that Kroger zero and get with the seed hero
Posted by SurlyZ on April 25th, 2009Do you wonder how you’ll feed your family when, not if, there’s a global shortage of food? Does thinking about the Apocalypse leave you crippled with fear about who will supply nourishment to you and your small tribe of feral, hollow-eyed survivors? Don’t you hate it when you get the weed munchies on Christmas Day and not a goddamn thing is open?
Well, have I got the miracle solution for you: the SURVIVAL SEED BANK!!! (NOTE: You have to scroll down a bit on this state-of-the-art website.)
That’s right! For just $129 plus $14 shipping and handling, you can get… ummm… like a bunch of seeds or something. You’ll get seeds for such vegetables as the Dark Red Beet, Bloody Butcher Corn and Speckled Lettuce. As delicious as they sound!
Yes, when you’re hiding in terror from mutant cannibals Chuck Heston-style, you’ll be able to sit back and admire your lush field of abundant crops. Right after you learn that farming requires more than just planting a couple seeds and that it will physically and emotionally break you down to a shapeless, gelatinous mass uncontainable by the standard pair of overalls. Just like today’s farmers! (And believe me, the stalks of Calypso Beans don’t make a rope strong enough to hang yourself.)
But that’s not all!
Well… actually, that is all. My apologies to the rest of the ITE staff. I’m sitting here trying to gussy up something that needs no gussying whatsoever. The Survival Seed Bank site has more choice nuggets of writing gold than I could ever create.
This Shit Sells Itself
Actual quotes from the website:
“You don’t have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what’s going on all around us. A belligerent lower class demanding handouts. … An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives.”
“Remember, non-hybrid seeds can be grown practically anywhere and have the ability to assimilate mineral and trace elements from the soil that man made plants just don’t seem to have. That’s because they were created by God as we read in Genesis.”
“Indestructible Survival Seed Bank Can Be Buried To Avoid Confiscation.”
God Bless Us Everyone
I don’t remember there being anything about Amish Snap Peas and Georgia Flame Peppers in the Bible, but I also don’t remember the last time I read the Bible. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to capitalize the ‘t’ in the ‘the’ before ‘Bible.’
But I do know this: Only a vengeful god would force us to subsist on White Box Radishes and the scandalously named Big Butternut Squash.
Tags: apocalypse, Survival Seed Bank
mmmmmmm, butternut squash.
Glad to know I am not alone in stocking up on shit for the end of days.
I think you need look no further than Tears for Fears … “and anything is possible when youre sowing the seeds of love”
I just now got around to reading this and…wow.
Those quotes are amazing.
I heard about these seeds in a commercial during… (wait for it…) Sean Hannity’s radio show. It was a beautiful convergence of level-headed thought.
Fucking wow.
[...] started like any other day. I ate some free KGC, stocked up on Tamiflu and ordered my Survival Seed Bank. Things were [...]
If you are right wth God why does the end scare you so much?
I’m NOT right with God, and the end DOESN’T scare me. Next question.