In This Economy?

In this economy there is nothing more valuable than an idea.

With that statement in mind, each month I’m going to be giving out five brand new, untapped money-making ideas that are sure to be instant goldmines. Feel free to grab them and make them your own. Just don’t forget who tipped you off in the first place.

Alright, let’s jump in.

#5: LoserScrapers

Every four years we elect a new president, and every four years some other guy loses. This is where my new service — LoserScrapers — comes in. Just give them a call and they will come to your home or your work and peel the losing candidate’s bumper sticker off of your car for a small fee.

The demand for this service is going to be huge. It seems like I see a McCain-Palin or a Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker on a daily basis, and each time I do I feel a little bit sorry for the driver. They’re either stuck in the past or are simply too busy to take the time to de-sticker their bumper. Whatever the reason, getting rid of that old sticker will help them move on with their lives. And that’s what LoserScrapers is all about.

Many thanks to SozaDesign for help with the logo.

Oh and just FYI: LoserScrapers can also handle bumper stickers from former presidents and even current presidents. Look at it like tattoo removal for your car. YEAH! RICHES!!

#4: Hand-held digital music players

Imagine having all your favorite songs in the palm of your hand. And I’m not talking about a clunky Discman. I’m talking about something that’s maybe the size of a deck of cards that has all your songs, ready to be played at the push of a button. Instant music, no matter where you are. We can call it the Dataman!

I’ve drawn a mock-up above. It is not to scale.

The songs would have to be converted to some sort of data (seems crazy, I know) and the technology would have to be really refined for this to work, but if those two factors come together just right, this could revolutionize everything.

And with revolutions, come money. YEAH! RICHES!!

#3: A ShamWow-based chemical weapon

This next one is for all you military contractors out there searching for the next big thing in chemical weapons. If you refine this idea and take it to the Pentagon, they’re bound to bite and give you a little piece of that $534 billion.

Ok, here’s the idea: A bomb or missile or something that contains a slightly oversized ShamWow. When this bomb strikes its target it will immediately absorb all the water from it. Think I’m kidding? Have you seen the infomercial? That carpet square is soaked with soda and the ShamWow sops it all up in no time. Imagine that same reaction, only the ShamWow is slighly larger and the soda soaked carpet square is a terrorist water source.

This new line of chemical weapons can be scaled down to a personal man-to-man level as well. ShamWow tipped bullets that absorb a person’s blood once inside their body will leave the enemy looking like the dude who chooses poorly at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.

ShamWows are serious shit. And like most serious shit, there is serious money to be made from them. YEAH! RICHES!!

#2: Tiny Wallets

Imagine a normal wallet, only much, much smaller. Well, you’re imagining a Tiny Wallet. How tiny? See FIGURE 1a above for an idea. Yeah, that one Dr. Pepper can is taller than three Tiny Wallets. These wallets are seriously tiny.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone want one of these little wallets?

Well first of all they’re tiny, so your credit cards won’t fit in them, which is great because then you won’t be tempted to purchase things you don’t really have the money for. Plus, Tiny Wallets are an instant conversation starter, and who doesn’t love a little almost-awkward chitchat with the cashier at Banana Republic?

Plus, with Tiny Wallets you can carry two or three in the same pocket that used to only hold one. More wallets = more money! YEAH! RICHES!!

#1: Combination out-of-date collectibles/Hot Pocket vending machine

This idea is the big one.

Have you ever been in the middle of a crowded shopping center and felt the undeniable need for a Beanie Baby? Or maybe you’re sauntering through an airport terminal when you get a serious craving for the delicious taste of a Hot Pocket. Well folks, with my new idea for a combination out-of-date collectibles/Hot Pocket vending machine you can find both things in one convenient place.

The machine will be designed to look like a giant Furby (remember them?) with a transparent stomach to reveal the goods for sale inside. One half of this inside will be devoted to the delicious simulated food taste of Hot Pockets, with four to six flavors available. Once money is deposited and a flavor is selected, an oven in the Furby’s rear will turn on and prepare the Hot Pocket. After about three and a half minutes it will come out of the Furby’s mouth, ready to eat. Yum!

So now you’re satiated and ready to delve into the other half of the machine: the out-of-date collectibles side. This side will be broken up into four or five shelves with each shelf promoting a different collectible. Anything can be dropped in here but some of the hottest sellers are bound to be Cabbage Patch Kids, Troll Dolls, My Little Ponies, Slap Bracelets, Furbies and the aforementioned Beanie Babies.

Seriously, this is going to be huge. All you have to do is develop and install one of these machines. From there just watch the money add up while you shop for yachts. YEAH! RICHES!!

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Remember, an idea is worth a thousand words. Or something.

See ya next month!

Tags: Furby, Hot Pockets, Indiana Jones, John McCain, lists, Michael Dukakis, My Little Ponies, Sarah Palin, ShamWow, Slap Bracelets, Troll Dolls, untapped money-making ideas, weapons

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 at 5:04 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.